please help - my morning dose of white supremacy

Submitted by mamaneen on Tue, 09/04/2007 - 6:38pm

last night, before she went to sleep, my daughter put the baby doll she was playing with to bed on the window sill by her bed. {this particular baby doll is phenotypically caucasian. she has one other presumptively white baby doll, three with her light brown coloration, and two darker ones closer to her father's.}

this morning, when she woke up, she asked me to get a baby doll and play dolls with her. she said, "you get a brown one, mama. you like them. but i want a white baby because white babies are better."

needless to say, this began a toddler-oriented discussion about coloration {which included the revelation that she had picked up this white-is-better perspective at preschool - in which non-white folks predominate both as teachers and students} and the reading of every kid's book we have about skin color. {thank you, bell hooks et al.}

my partner is calling the racial justice organization he used to work for to see if they can refer us to a kid-capable community educator to present at dd's preschool.

coincidentally, bd and i were just discussing how to discuss race with dd last night. we have made a point of having her toys and books and dvds be positive in their portrayal of non-whiteness, and we have touched on these issues a few times before - also often at the catalyzing of a teacher comment dd reported to us.

still, we haven't tackled race specifically 'cuz we're at something of a loss as to how to do it without reifying social constructions that are likely to leave her feeling adrift as a mixed blood. if we can find a community educator for the preschool, i'm hoping s/he'll have some useful approaches, but i was also hoping that maybe some mamas here might - especially mixed mamas and/or mamas of mixed kids.

please help, mamas. i'm about to sob sitting here thinking of the look in my beautiful brown grrl's eyes when she said, "white babies are better."

Comments

Ericka

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 6:45pm

wow. thats heavy. did you ask her why?

mamaneen

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 7:12pm

but that didn't get us very far 'cuz she's in that toddler space where everything is circular:

me: "why don't you want to eat the soup and crackers you just asked for?"

her: "because i don't like soup."

me: "why don't you like soup?"

her: "because i don't want to eat it."

which is pretty much how that part of the conversation went this morning. asking where she heard that did reveal that her teachers told her she was light brown {which she is and which we've talked about, so no big there}, but she was less clear about from whom she had heard that white babies are better than brown ones, just saying, "at preschool".

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Ericka

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 7:38pm

damn. you know, i remember being in preschool and being surrounded by all those new kids and their diffrent philosphies and ideas and unfortunatly issues and how overwhelming it was, how impressionable I was Especialy when the kids are bigger or older- even by a year very scary. I'm so sorry this happened to your family and I hope this is going to be an opportunity for her to confirm the truth from the bs that some kid(s) have spun. Wow, shes so young! Her having that conversation with you I assumed she was older seeing as my grrl is almost that age and shes cannot communicate nearly as well. She must take after you- Your *both* so articulate. You have the ability to change this- if anybody can and get her to see whats wrong with what shes been told- its you. I can only hope the school helps you with what they can to the best of their ability. its stories like this that make me paranoid of leaving my kids with anybody other than their father and fuel my desicion to homeschool. Not that I am saying thats better, I just wouldn't know where to begin when something like that has happened.

mamaneen

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 8:00pm

yes, she has been a bit precociously verbal from jump, but i was really hoping she wouldn't be confronted with issues this bald for - oh, hell, at least a little while longer. this has been and will be an ongoing aspect of dd's growing up and our parenting wherever she is schooled/socialized. i just pray that we are able to give her a strong, loving sense of herself despite negative messages like the one discussed this morning.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

idyllia

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 6:58pm

I have no advice here, but what your daughter said broke my heart. I am very very impressed with all the steps you are taking and am interested to hear what the other HMs have to say.

----

a tangled path
Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

mamaneen

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 7:13pm

thank you for sympathizing and offering support. i'm interested to hear from the mamas, too - come on, mamas, please?!

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

sebsmom

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 8:29pm

That is so sad... and really alarming. :( I hope that you are able to find a community educator to go to the preschool.

mamaneen

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 9:02pm

my partner left a voicemail for the director of the org he used to work for {all day staff meeting today}, so here's hoping she has some good possibilities for us tomorrow!

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

earthgarden

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 8:50pm

Oh my mamaneen, I can imagine how you must feel. I am working but I had to log on to let you know I saw this. I am going to respond when I get a break, prolly around 430 your time, I'm gonna PM you about this.

MSPmedia
People began to become successful the minute they decide to be
~Harvey Mackay

biz & etsy & books
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
~Jean Anouilh

mamaneen

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 9:01pm

for the hugs and for taking the time to PM me.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

mamaneen

Tue, 09/04/2007 - 11:19pm

another of the reasons we have discussed human coloration, but not race with dd is because toddlers are supposed to be very physical beings not yet adept at abstract thought, and while the social constructions that constitute race can have very physical consequences, the construction itself is abstract. a mama friend of mine, though understanding my concern, suggested that Morrigan may have been making a physical differentiation, not a social one. i'm wondering if i'm projecting too much onto this, but then i think, even if she is making a physical differentiation, she's picked it up somewhere, and it is gives preference to something she isn't which could lay the foundation for negative self-concept issues. sorry to ramble - just trying to think through this stuff.

another friend offered some links to potentially helpful books and articles and i found some others. i haven't read through these entirely yet, but thought i'd put here for future reference:

right on point and depressing as hell:
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2553348

looks like a 101, but may have some pertinent info further on?:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3614/is_200610/ai_n17189991

this one sounds creepily detached, but still also potentially useful:
http://www.sagepub.com/booksProdDesc.nav?prodId=Book4761

also clinical, but maybe useful:
http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/custom/portlets/recordDetails/detai...

specific to folks of african descent, but possibly also a generalizable resource for other non-white folks?:
http://eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/custom/portlets/recordDetails/detailmin...

http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/custom/portlets/recordDetails/detai...

focuses on transracial adoption, but recommended for wider use:
http://www.webcom.com/intvoice/kimberly5.html

an anti-racistparent.com blogger:
http://multiracialsky.wordpress.com/2007/07/19/reading-about-race/

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

dynamom

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 12:32am

I cried when I watched it. Then I tried to reproduce the study at home, but being our own baby dolls, the answers were things like, "Well, I think this brown baby is CUTER, but since Aunt Agnes gave her to us she kind of smells like smoke. This Japanese baby has a REALLY cute outfit. This other baby is nice, too, but I can't find the diaper that fits her."
Etc.
I was trying to find a nice way to ask if maybe you were projecting too much on this, too, but couldn't make it come out not weird-sounding. Not saying you SHOULDN'T project much on this, but sometimes with kids you have to take things at face value and soon you figure out what it's all about. HOWEVER~~it sounds like you tried to talk to her and ask her about it all ready and it's SO true that it's upsetting she's picking this up somewhere...and I have 100% faith in you to conquer this head-on. You truly are one of the smartest mamas I "know" and so well educated on the subject of deconstructing biases...you're amazing. You're going to figure something out.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

mamaneen

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 5:07am

and yeah, per my usual, i'm taking apart my own taking apart of this morning's conversation, et cetera. i just so want to give her the sturdiest, healthiest foundation for her sense of self that i can in a larger context that is designed to do the opposite, so i'm trying to be alert and responsive without being neurotic and ending up with the opposite outcome. ::sigh::

plus, my own comprehensions of these issues {to the extent i had them} in childhood and adolescence stand out in my memory as harsh and traumatic, and i a} wanted to spare her the pain of all that for as long as possible and b} wanted to figure out some way to build a positive familial cushion of sorts in which color and race were present without being painful or negative.

after work/preschool, we had a mellow outing to this park by the bay we often go to, and later, before bedtime me and papa tried to kind of bookend this morning's conversation, but i think she just thought we were being weird.

it's an ongoing aspect of our lives, so it can't and won't be resolved today. today was a rough day, though - a watershed of sorts, maybe? i don't know. but i really appreciate the mamas for helping me through it.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

mamaneen

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 10:03pm

in this one {the 101 was intro material}:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3614/is_200610/ai_n17189991

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

janisfan

Sun, 09/09/2007 - 12:27pm

I got your message and called you back but I was on the MUNI so probably you had no idea what it was that I said....

I was talking with an African American colleague of mine about your experience and in her experience with her 7 year old that it was a stage that her daughter and her daughter's friends (mostly all POC) went thru in the preschool years...white dolls, white barbies preferred over others. It didn't last long though I don't recall if she said how long it lasted. Now her daughter plays with any kind of doll. She said that she would talk to her daughter about it and that it just passed and that she didn't get a sense that the daughter consciously got that she was actually saying she didn't want to play with dolls that looked like herself or both her parents. It was her belief that most kids go thru that stage. She didn't like that it happened but she figured it was a product of our culture.

This whole scenario reminds me of when i was a preK teacher (in the south). The parents would get upset with me because I always included the black and brown markers/crayons and so sometimes their kids' artwork was very "dark" looking (duh). My response was that it's my belief that these subtle preferences for lighter/brighter colors contributes to racism and specifically internalized racism.

Lucy Pinball

Tue, 09/11/2007 - 7:57pm

my above comment from my dd makes me think about the whole coloration thing too. that is definitely how she is seeing the world at the moment.

sweet innocence.

ascedarleaf

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 12:42pm

I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and love are with you and your little grrl. I wish I had more wisdom to offer right now but you seem to have wisdom to spare on this. Thank you for all the links.

The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing.
- Blaise Pascal

The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing.
- Blaise Pascal

mamaneen

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 4:30pm

but i can't. thank you for your supportive words, and you're welcome for the links.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lucy Pinball

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 4:17pm

that made me tear up this morning. i don't even have any suggestions just empathy.

that would kill me to hear. i hope you find some resources.

mamaneen

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 4:28pm

sorry to tear up your morning, but thank you for your empathy. we have "call[ed] all angels", so to speak, so the perspectives and insights and references are beginning to flow in from several directions - including from ya'll wonderful hipmamas. i'll keep putting stuff up here for easy access to everyone, too.

something that was brought to my attention last night was that mixed kids may often tend to experience the typical toddler/young child identification with their mothers through the lens of race - feeling more positive about or more strongly connected to raced traits/identifiers that their mothers exhibit or that they associate with their mothers or feel associates them with their mothers. there's still a lot to work on in that instance, but it makes me feel a bit less panicked about possible damage to my kid's foundational concepts of herself and color and race.

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

dynamom

Wed, 09/05/2007 - 4:34pm

Because I know that toddlers also can go through a super-identifying with the parent of the same sex phase so I can see how this could be another facet of that phenomenom.
Glad you feel a bit less panicked. Keep posting.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

mamaneen

Mon, 09/10/2007 - 11:23pm

so, i wrote to ask anti-racist parent, too, and the query is posted on the site now. some folks have responded, if ya'll are interested in reading what they had to say:

http://www.antiracistparent.com/2007/09/07/ask-arp-what-should-i-do-abou...

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

mamaneen

Tue, 09/11/2007 - 7:23pm

http://www.antiracistparent.com/2007/06/20/free-e-book-how-to-be-an-anti...

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lucy Pinball

Tue, 09/11/2007 - 7:55pm

dd came into my room as i was getting dressed and said, "i have brown skin!" then she looked at me and said, "mama you have brown skin too!"

i have something of a tan so I said, "yep you're right. i do have brown skin"

just one of those moments when i thought, now why would i tell her i have "white" skin? my skin isn't white. interesting to ponder. maybe in the winter i will tell her i have peach skin?

thanks for posting all the resources, mamaneen. nia's comment this morning made me want to come back to this blog.

mamaneen

Tue, 09/11/2007 - 10:37pm

glad to be of service.

when we were talking with Morrigan about this stuff the same day as her initiating remark, bd said, "see, i have dark brown skin, and you have light brown skin, and mama is brown, too." she just looked at him like he was insane. so he amended, "see, she is light brown here, and bright pink {sunburn} here, and paler here" i'm thinking she's somewhere between the literal and abstract on these issues. we're fumbling along as best we can trying to meet her where she is.

wanna have a regular blog on the topic to touch base with or something?

Lilypie 3rd Birthday Ticker

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu

dragon knows dragon

Lucy Pinball

Wed, 09/12/2007 - 5:38am

with the regular blog. pm me about it.

nia is really verbal and i can see the wheels turning all the time so i can see how you would say that morrigan is just on the edge of the literal and abstract. i see nia getting there and she's about 3 months younger.

i wish our girls could hang out :)

sunflower

Wed, 09/12/2007 - 2:38am

I am so sorry.

Sunflower the unflower

Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky

Sunflower the unflower

Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky