I haven't posted in forever, but this is my update on the dog-who-knocks-over-my-toddler - he has a new home. A couple (teacher and stay at home mom) with three kids (9yr old girl, 7 year old twin boys) and two cats. They live about an hour away. They seem like good people, are familiar with the breed.

I am really sad, I think it is for the best, I am really sad, feel like a shitty person for not being able to make it work, and I am really sad. Anyhow, it is done. Now we have to deal with our other dog and her reaction, whatever it will be. Our son is two and we talked about it and I know he doesn't really understand.

It's funny, I keep thinking "he is going to be happier, he is in a better place" which is what some people say when loved ones die - and he isn't dead, but at the same time he is kind of, for us anyway, because we will probably never see him again. And I made the decision, took the action, handed him over.

Part of what made me able to make the decision was some of my old mom stuff - the neglect, blame and ambivalence I was raised with that I started to feel for our dog (I am a devout anthropomorphicist apparently) made me feel really guilty and weird, but also raised the question of whether I was better off with my mom (which is what happened) or with someone who could have really cared for and about me in a healthy way (like my aunt) --- and I came to the conclusion that love, for the dog, was the answer, not habit or tradition. Which is a weird deal all on it's own.

And last of all, also unrelated, I had a talk with my mother about some stuff that she said when I was pregnant that led me to cut off communication with her for a long time to protect myself, and by protecting myself protect my son. And it was pretty good - I held my ground, didn't accept blame for overreacting and also didn't blame her overly for the result...just dealt with what was actually said. Which is a big deal for me since I tend to avoid all confrontation( which is probably why I almost never post here anymore), especially with my mother.