Are we being stalked?
As everyone knows, FIL is the douchebag supreme. But he upped the ante conciderably. We had been plotting our escape into Family Student Housing when I found some semen on Sophie's leg after FIL had been watching her. When he gave her to me he said "she's really sweaty." She wasnt. I was revolted and scared. Anyone who can so anything where semen ends up on an 8 month old's leg as gone off the deep end in the most dangerous way. He hung around us for a long time so i wasnt able to swab, but there wasnt any trauma to the genitals or anus. Thank god. If it smells, feels and looks like semen, it most likely is eventhough i have no proof except for whats in my heart. He left on a business trip the next day and we got the hell out of there.
He's been calling and calling and calling ever since. We explained in a note that he mistrated us and that if theres any hope for a reunion there will have to be time. Even after that he keeps up with the calling. Three times today alone. i've let it go to message every time. He calls SO's mom too and tries to get her to relay messages. The most recent was that he wants to meet with us on my birthday in two weeks. Gross.
Sophie is never to be alone with him again. As things stand now, i'm afraid he'll rape me (it's no secret he was attracted to me) and I want nothing to do with him except to get the $700 we had to give him before we left. (he said he'd tell social services we'd lied to them about paying rent if we didnt pay it to him in a full lump sum). It was a pathetic attempt at keeping us there for as long as we could.
I talk to his ex girlfriend (the one that lives across the street from him) and she's supportive and a wonderful friend. She's able to keep an eye on him to some extent and tell us his stability level (he's harassing her, too)
What do I do? Mamas, help me!
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Two words sweetie: Restraining Order. This guy is creepy and dangerous. Take care, and stay safe.
i'm so glad you got out of there. i'm new here and haven't read your blogs yet, but he sounds like a very dangerous person. i don't have any advice (it sounds like you've taken control of the situation) except maybe getting a restraining order. that might require more evidence of him being a threat- but its worth looking into.
oh, mama. that is so fucking scary. you need to file a police report immediatly. even if there isn't any proof you need to get it legally recorded. fuck. stay the fuck away from him. thats what you need to do.
So quiet down cobwebs, Dust go to sleep!
I'm nursing my baby and babies don't keep.
And I would tell him that if he doesn't stop calling you will be forced to get a restraining order. Don't feel a need to be polite with this fucked up man.
I am so glad you got out. I think you need to document this somehow. I know it is hard, but he could in fact go to jail for what he has done so far. Remember that!
We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap.~K.V.
I second that restraining order...
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you don't have to prove it was semen. report him.
change your numbers and never have any contact ever again. don't talk to the ex, don't keep any kind of contact, even indirectly.
let him tell social services what he will, they are not going to believe a molester. it's his word against yours and he has to know that how it would look to report your rent payments in retaliation to getting reported. he knows you have shit on him, he won't say anything.
ass.
"All persons, whether living or dead, are entirely coincidental." Kurt Vonnegut
Dude, it's sexual assault. Period.
Don't go through this alone. Call a rape crisis line. What he has done is not just sick, it's criminal. This requires more than a restraining order (and, reporting it to the police will strengthen your order, as well).
Cops go fucking ape shit about pedophiles, use this to your advantage.
All little girls should be told they're pretty--even if they aren't.
--Marilyn Monroe
I think you are taking his feelings and situation into account way too much. This guy jerked off around your kid. Period. Done. Call the police and get the hell away from him.
I am a crazy mama bear when it comes to my kids. NO ONE is allowed to violate their space.
I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I think you are cutting this asshole way too much slack. He is a criminal, possibly pedophile and despite his illness, he is responsible for his inappropriate actions. By not holding him accountable, you are essentially condoning his behavior.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but this is fucked up and your child needs to be protected from him.
Be safe, be well.
i would report teh crime and get the restraining order, reporting his erratic behavior and the fact that he is off meds in court. they may force him into treatment and medicate him. there is protection, if you are willing to use it.
or i would drop off teh face of the earth. relocate to a wholly different state, with no forwarding address and no contact forever. for me, it would be one or the other.
i would take retribution into consideration, but it wouldn't be enough to stop me.
"All persons, whether living or dead, are entirely coincidental." Kurt Vonnegut
If his mental state needs to be taken into account so much, he STILL needs to be reported and gotten into a psychiatric facility, because he's causing WAY too much emotional distress to your family at this point, even disregarding his actions in the past! He's totally harassing you guys. It's bullshit.
25/MN and WA. Queer, veg, single, AP mama to DD2.5.
hi soph,
first off: i think it's great that you guys are out of there for good.
you know that you can't ever rely on him or live with him again. No matter how he behaves or what he says. you can't trust him at all.
i say this because if he hurt your daughter, looked at you sexually and could potentially rape you, staying away is your only defense.
this guy is a crafty wicked fucked up bastard. to manipulate the situation in the ways he has, is ridiculous. he kept you guys under lock & key. and i agree with you & everyone else. the guy is a pervert. threatening to call welfare? he should get his ass kicked. and forcing you pay money in a lump sum? he's insane and he'll use whatever he has against you.
i'm proud of you for bailing out the way you did. you were smart and stayed one step ahead of him. this is a life saving tip.
making the firm decision to never leave him alone with your baby again is the only way to keep her 100% safe from him.
what would i do? probably burn the motherfuckers house down. restraining order? i don't know, it could work in this case. BUT, if you know that he would be set off to the point of wanting to kill someone or really hurt them, then i wouldn't do it.
*consider being alone with the baby and he shows up, or he shows up at your door step, etc.* it could temporarily stop the constant harrassment, but it seems like he's the type that would find another way.
honestly, it's situations like these that make me support physical violence. when people are crazy dangerous and they don't care about their actions, what are you left to do? protect yourself.
cops? i'm never a fan. they can take a report, maybe contact him, and then he's aggitated again. you can't rely on the system to keep you safe. i think not picking up the phone, or dealing with him directly is your best bet. it will at least buy you time.
if this continues and you can't take it, you might be forced to move.
whatever you do, i support you 100%. this is a tricky situation, and as long as your family is safe it doesn't matter how you handle it.
take care and keep us updated,
dc
space age disco healer
While you and SO are toying with the idea of calling the cops, your child has been sexually abused. Your baby! She is just a baby! Why would you even have to think twice about calling the police???
Listen. Sometimes when people have experienced abuse as a child, be it emotional, physical, sexual, they subconsciously try to repeat the situation as an adult in order to make sense of what happened to them or to try to control what happened to them. Some victims of childhood abuse then becomes predators, some just keep finding themselves being abused. It's no leap to see that you and you SO, both of whom experienced abuse as children, fall in the latter category. That is probably why you both had such a hard time seeing how crazy his father is and how/why you needed to get out of that living situation.
but consider that while you work out your issues, your daughter has already been abused. She does not deserve to go through what you did and she deserves to be protected and defended! Unless you are lying to us to get attention, if you really think that he gunked on her leg or jacked off around or on her then you NEED TO CALL THE POLICE. This is a crime and your daughter needs to be protected. Stop all the bullshit, really. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. Go and file a restraining order. You don't need proof, what he has done before this is enough to qualify for a restraining order.
and you and your SO get some help as soon as possible. You two need mental help, therapy, or you will just keep finding yourselves in similar situations with other people even if you handle this situation with his dad. The world is filled with people who want nothing more than to abuse, use, manipulate, control, and harm others. You can make a choice to no longer be a person who seeks out abuse. You don't have to willingly put yourself in harm's way. You don't deserve to be abused. You can stop the tape playing in your head that says you have to be hurt and abused by someone. and you can make a choice right now to never have this tape put in Sophie's head. Do the right thing and call the police!
Family Footprint | Beyond Battered
She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
~Proverbs 31
This is the straight forward truth.
And I just want to add... that even though you say you didn't see any physical trauma to her body, that doesn't mean that there wasn't any physical trauma to her body, you know? It doesn't necessarily have to leave a mark.
We're getting her checked out at her pedi's.
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OK, if you tell the Dr why you are having her checked I'm pretty sure the Dr is required to report what happened.
But my point was that just because you (or your Dr) may not see physical damage, does not mean that she wasn't physically harmed.
I can understand why you are hesitant to report this after reading what happened to you as a kid. A lot of the reactions you are getting here are just people trying to make you understand in any way they can that it is OK to report it, and that you SHOULD report it.
Reading back in your blog, I see how this man has reacted in the past to the suggestion of you moving out. Even yelling at you that you can't "take the baby" from him. He is her grandpa, right? Normal grandparents don't act like that. There has to be something more to why he wants so badly to keep her there there with easy access to her. I seriously doubt that this is the first time something like this has happened.
While I know that your intention was very good in your response, I take offence. It puts my back up to hear that anyone here would think that I would lie to get attention. I'm a reasonably longtime member and poster on HM and i'm completely honest here. My thinking is, how can I get help and support if i'm dishonest about my situations? Having the possibility that my daughter has been abused like that isnt something I could even have the nerve to think out loud if it wasnt in context. My personal experience with the police in matters of sexual abuse in children is poor unless you have DNA evidence/reocurring events/witnesses. All they did when I reported my priest was to make me feel like a liar, and to confront him on it with no intention of an arrest or giving me a restraining order because he wasnt calling or hanging around and I didnt go to that church anymore. All he had to say was that he hadnt done it and they went away. He did start stalking my family after that because he was angry. The police had no sympathy for this little girl.
We're scared. So we removed Sophie from that situation. We are looking out for her safety. What will happen if the police decide to go the same route as they took with me and FIL gets infuriated and does something even worse? A restraining order is just a peice of paper. If he rapes or kills me, it happened and he goes to jail but that doesnt change that it happened.
And BTW, I am in tharapy. SO isnt because he just isnt ready to yet. Personal choice. I encourage and encourage but it's up to him.
It's disgusting the way things work in this world. But i'm not defending him, i'm defending my family and myself from him. I'm not trying to make sense of or control what has happened to me in the past through Sophie. I have had years and years of tharapy both in the past and in my future to do that. I've healed from the sexual abuse from both my preist and my father. Or as healed as one gets from that kind of thing, anyway.
I understand that your intentions are purely good but it really hurt and offended me.
http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/princessburpalot
at mothers who know their child has been sexually assaulted and don't report it and/or don't protect their children from further harm. Yah, I know you said you won't have him alone with your baby from now on, but didn't you say that after his driving wild with you two fiasco? Where he was crying and clapping his hands over his ears and speeding through the streets all crazy? Even after all that, you let this madman alone with your baby. Why?
I absolutely cannot comprehend how someone can know their child was sexually abused and not report it. If you can live like this, I think that means something bad is going on with you, in your head...it's like you're posting like you don't understand your child was sexually assaulted here.
Maybe you have healed from the past sexual abuse that was done to you, but more therapy certainly couldn't hurt and it may stop you from re-enacting or allowing your child to be abused. Why not call the therapist you mentioned in a prior post and ask her what you should do? Would you go to the police if she suggested it?
I do wish you well. But I am not going to sugarcoat the truth. Your child, your baby was sexually abused. You are refusing to report it and you have a variety of excuses to evade going to the police or even changing your situation, like changing your phone or moving to a more secure location. You are stuck in victim mode. Sophiesworld, I know what's going on with you because I was there once. I will vibe you to find the courage to stand up for your life and your daughter. I am vibing you with all my heart the courage to not be this man's victim anymore.
Family Footprint | Beyond Battered
She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
~Proverbs 31
Your priest? I thought you'd said you were abused by your father?
Nomatter what happens, this situation sounds horrible, and I really hope that you will report it.
Both abused me. My father when I was 9 and my priest when I was 13. Sometimes I refrence one person and not the other.
http://s117.photobucket.com/albums/o57/princessburpalot
I see you have gotten a lot of comments on this post, good and bad. I am sorry for the negativity you have received as a result of writing in your safe space. I do think that if you do not call the cops, you must cut all ties with that sorry excuse for a man. I agree that you should not only never leave your daughter alone with him, but also never let her around him. Change your number if you have to, give up your $700 as gone if it will help you get rid of him. You will find that the money will come back to you in other ways, because money isn't everything.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this. And please don't let the negative comments keep you from writing. I haven't been writing in Hip Mama for long but I am seeing that it is a good place to find comfort and safety, but that only goes so far. You have to do everything in your power to see that said comfort and safety extends beyond the realm of the internet world, which includes keeping your daughter as far away from harm as possible and, at first chance, call the police and press charges.
I'm pulling for you.
-xoxo-
Mich Mash
I think it's wonderful that *Sophie* is going to be safe, but what about other children in his community? This man is a pedophile and could abuse others.
Like I said, GLAD Sophie is now apparently safe, but sad for the other kids that come in his contact in the future and the unknowing mothers of those children.
Where is the village looking out for them?
Still bothered by this whole thing and it's not even my kid.
.
it's happening, but SW is not mentioning it here. the important thing is that it happens, not that we are all let in on it. but then, people do this all the time. put their heads in the sand and pretend that it will all go away when we don't see it. it's how so many abusers are out there, still, when their tendancies are known.
"All persons, whether living or dead, are entirely coincidental." Kurt Vonnegut
. """"the important thing is that it happens, not that we are all let in on it"""
My feelings are I think it is important that we are let in on it. To hear that he is being held accountable. With the amount of mamas who read this site (including lurkers) I feel it would empower other *silent* mamas here who have been or currently being sexually abused to turn their abusers in. Otherwise, it just validates that the abusers do *get away* with it.
I just have a hard time going from *there is semen on my kid's leg" to *I got a cute haircut".
But I understand the denial.
I want to know who's walking around in my village.
i don't entirely disagree. i also feel that because it was put up here for us all to read and be affected by, that we are kind of owed a follow up. but ultimately, what really is important is that this guy is accountable and if SW doesn't feel safe to discuss it anymore, i wouldn't be surprised. i'm on both sides of this because i know about denial, and how complete it can be. my mom was abused in this way as a child and as a result she let bad things happen to her kids. i totally understand how and why that happened because i witness the change in her face, her eyes and her demeanor when i look at her and say "you will not have that guy around my kid," as she comes back and say how much he loves kids, how nice he is and all that. she doesn't know where the "line" is, and probably feels that sexual abuse is just one of those risks in life like car accidents. i know it also because i read about it from a mental health point of view. so, understanding it i feel like, condemning the one in denial accomplishes nothing. on the other hand, understaning it doesn't make it alright. it's not ok that SW failed to protect her kid, but it's understandable that she hesitated and got confused. it happens. all-the-time it happens. these are the parents whom we report because they don't protect their kids or take reasonable action to protect the community. that's why i said i would totally have reported her, not FIL, but her, if i had any idea where she was or what her name is. because i really think that this is why so many predators are still out there.
you know, it's like someone who is stunted from trauma will never grow past that until she is treated as an adult and expects her to take reasonable action. when we say "it's ok, you did the best you could" we reinforce that this really is the best they could do, and therefore they never expect more of themselves. sure there is trauma and let's be sensitive to it, but let's also treat her as an adult, capable of making rational choices.
"All persons, whether living or dead, are entirely coincidental." Kurt Vonnegut
.
Having the possibility that my daughter has been abused like that isnt something I could even have the nerve to think out loud if it wasnt in context.
hon, it isn't a possibility, it's a reality. Your daughter, your BABY was sexually abused. Just becasue they didn't help you doesn't mean someone won't help her.
You are using some really poor logic here.
bravo. well said mercury!
"There are times when silence becomes an accomplice to injustice." -Ayaan Hirsi Ali
"Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity."
Semen on your daughters leg? SEMEN ON YOUR DD's LEG!
I'm in total shock. Call the damn cop. Fuck this. Fuck him.
I'm going to say something really weird. Are you a real person? Is this just trolling weird shit. Can anyone possible write that their kid had semen on their leg and they are *toying* with the fucking idea of turning him in?
You come on here post after post writing about this man's abuses and now, he finally has crossed the most un-fucking believable line in the world and you're toying with the idea.
If you can't do it, your baby's daddy needs to grow some fucking balls. This thread makes me sick and I'm sorry I even signed on.
I hope this is clear enough and I don't need anyone responding with telling me I don't understand how to give Fuck damn VIBES.
I only hope you are a troll and your just *toying* with my fucking brain this am.
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We've been toying with the idea of calling the cops and filing a restraining order for as long as this has been going on. But we had trepidations. We're scared of retribution. Not just calling the state, but our physical safety and the safety of our families. FIL is a bipolar off of his medications, so he's unpredicatable and eratic. If he gets manic, we're afraid of what he'd do. My experience with cops and child molesters isnt good. i reported a molestation by a preist in my church at the time and all they did was confront him for me because there was no DNA evidence he had done anything. Confronting him on it led to a full out stalking situation.
FIL is very narcissistic. He only cares about how others view him. Giving him a restraining order would be dangerous because it would humiliate him and while he's not seeking revenge now, we're afraid he might.
As for changing our number, he would just find another, possibly more dangerous way to get us messages. We just screen em. He's called 4 times and sent one text today alone.
If he were on his meds, we would make his life a living hell. But he's unstable and we have to be subtle for the time being, i think. i just dont know how to cope.
Her ex was my friend first, and he's taken so much from me already. We both need support from someone who knows him just as well.
Taking this into account, how would you proceed?
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