Note to self, mistakes

"Your mother cannot love 75% of who you are, and she never will, you are killing yourself living at 25%. Knock it the fuck off! Oh yeah, and...

BUY MILK and juiceboxes.

That emptiness you feel is all the stuff you let go of in order to try to win mom's love, you have let go of so much, and yet, she still does not love you, you are sad.

When you struggle up and manage to break the surface, she tries to drag you back under.

Swim back under and away. Slip away, she’ll never notice. Stop being so sad that she doesn’t notice, she can’t. What a relief, you can be free if you just release yourself. All these years you tried to win mom's love by comparing yourself to everyone and saying, look, I’m not doing drugs, I’m not drinking all the time, and still she didn’t care to look. I have straight A’s, I’m okay at lots of stuff you told me to do, I’ll never be great at it because I do it for you, but I'm pretty good. Wanna see my recital? my art? my show? my game?

They say "Your risk taking used to be charming, now it’s just alarming." The only thing that changed was your age. You can’t be expected to excise your soul at 17 to make others more comfortable.

Your main problem right now is that you do what you think will please others. Newsflash, they don't think about pleaing you nearly as much.

You should piss a few more people off. If they walk away, they were never really there, at least you'll know where you stand.

Your son needs you whole.

Keep conversation in neutral territory, if it moves out of that territory, move on. Interrupt, say you have to go, leave.

“MISTAKES” I have made.

**Sperm donor**.- Gave me Ethan
(**Name changed to protect those who cannot step up to the plate**)

Not having an abortion-gave me Ethan- forced me to pull it together, took me to a whole new level, taught me to love myself.

Steven- helped me through, taught me about affection

Moe- taught me to have fun and sing again. Didn’t hold on too tight, knew when to let go. Loved me. Taught me to love.

Going back to school- If I had done as mom said and worked, I would still be completely broke, in debt, on welfare, and completely depleted, spent , gone wasted. Instead, I have a degree, 3.7 gpa, the school balanced out the Ethan medical crap, balanced me out so that I could do both, kept me from stopping, grinding to a hault. I might have just stopped in my tracks and sobbed myself into an asylum if it weren’t for school.

Ethan-indirectly led me to my current job, where I created something out of nothing, out of a ragged list on a piece of paper.

Puerto Rico- "You're on food stamps, how can you go on vacation?" They only fly free till their 2, live it up while you still can! replenished me so that I could keep going the rest of the year.

Mom says " Are you sure you want to have this child? No man will ever love you with a child." Two already have, more than she ever could.
If they can't love me and this child, then they're not worth it.

Biking to Tierra Del Fuego at age 18. I would have gotten tan, and stronger, and learned a lot along the way. I would have gone out on my own. I would’ve done what I knew was right. Instead, I tried to please, and honestly, I wussed out, and so I went back to school, where she echoed through my ears, why don’t you get this math, it’s not that hard, with that worried, you’re so stupid look in her eyes, she sent me off into the world ashamed and feeling stupid and worthless, so I crawled back into the protected nest she created for me but she resented me when I stayed in it, and I burned out. I failed a math class and dropped out. My soul fire burned out. And so, I met an abusive prick, and I let him say whatever he liked and I drank it up like the truth had finally come, tahnk god for certainty, and I dragged myself down to a point where she could no longer possibly be proud of me, where the glimmer of hope that my mother could ever possibly love me could die out, ("I'm on the board of Planned Parenthood for god's sake")
She was terribly ashamed. She let what little tenuous fake relationship we had go, and my soul fire could finally get a little oxygen.

And this babe taught me, taught me how to take little sips at first until my lungs get used to it again, get used to gulping life.

And she started over with this babechild. she figured, clean slate. And good luck and god bless if she gets it righter this time. If she can accept and love him for who he is, and for fuck's sake, be supportive, then amen.

Mountain biking worries her. Shit, the mountain biking has given me ten friends where I had none, and the mountain biking has helped me feel proud, and given me something to look forward to, and has helped me take out my anger and frustration, and released it so that at the end of a long ride, I am physically empty, but spiritually filled. Empty of anger, hatred, helplessness, impotence, uncertainty, hope even. And instead I am finally, finally here, here right now, and there’s a song on the radio and scrapes on my knees, and bruises on my thighs, and wind through my hair and sun setting in the sky and an hour ride home in the car my bike tire spinning mud onto the highway behind me.

Montain biking has helped me quit smoking, has given me a little light at the end of the tunnel. Jesus, I worry and make to do lists for 6 days and 21 hours per week. Riding is the only time when I can let go. If I think about anything else, I’ll hit my head on a rock, so for 2 and a half hours per week, I am free. My mind is quiet.

Mountain biking, This, worries her. My almost pack a day and increasing anxiety, depression, anger, burn out and panic, worried me.

Note to self. You deserve to be happy.

PS- It'll make you a better mother.

PPS- BUY MILK AND JUICEBOXES.