Numb

This year I graduated from college, my son was dignosed as missing part of his brain, having seizures, and a genetic disorder that is passed on through the mother. I have been told I probably should not have any more children. I have worked for the last 2.5 years to finish school and buy this house. I finished school with a 3.7 gpa. I bought the house. I feel nothing. I met a great guy, I dumped him a few weeks ago, my life is too hard, too hard for my friends, too hard for men, too hard for me, but there is noone else to take my place if I crumble. I work full time, coordinate 20 specialists, 2 schools, over 250 appointments a year, on top of the getting up, breakfast, get dressed on the bus, off to school, diapers to both schools, extra clothes, parent teacher conferences, Committee on Preschool special education, lab tests, lab test fucking lab tests. I miss more an more work to take care of his medical needs, great quality time spent traumatizing the poor kid drawing blood and listening to doctors talk about his "condition". I can't even take a fucking day off to have fun, because all days off must be saved for medical shit and house shit. I'm always poor because I can't afford a raise, I would lose my daycare subsidy and have to pay the full $7-800/month, which I can't afford. I love business, loved classes, projects etc. but I can't go after a real job because of my son's condition. Even when he's not sick, there's atleast 5-10 hours per week of talking to specialists, making appointments, fighting bureaucracy to pay for all of the specialists and appointements, and wondering if any of it's really worth it.

And then there's the actual child. I love him dearly, he is unbelievably sweet and empathetic. This is a kid who, when other kids get put in timeout, goes and sits in solidarity with them. He is strong, and persistent, and stubborn (thank god, or he'd never make it), and sweet, and mischievous and gorgeous. He kisses my boo-boos, and makes me laugh. I love how he gets really excited about Curious George, and sad when George is sad. I love how his eyes light up at books. I love our stupid silly songs in the car. I love snuggles in the morning. I love him.

I just don't know how to keep going anymore. I have no motivation for work,I really only feel pain right now. i want to belive it will get better.

I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could have another kid in a few years, with the right partner, do it right this time, have a normal pregnancy, a normal birth, a normal kid, a normal relationship. I must be crazy but I actually liked being pregnant.giving birth was one of the most profondly spiritually life changing, beautiful events of my life. I am too young to be told that I cannot do that again.

I go in in a few weeks to my midwife to talk about getting my tubes tied. I am 23 fucking years old. Who gets their tubes tied at 23?

I can accept the bargain of not getting child support in return for having peace and stability in my life, not having to deal with his abusive sperm donor. I can accept that. I can do all the doctors appointments and day to day and pay the bills and take care of everything, all I asked unconsciously was that he take the blame, take the blame for Ethan's condition. It's genetic, father's side of the family. (unspoken rest of sentence, it's not my fault, my next child will be okay) I at least could give him a large chunk of the blame. But now here I am with the day to day frustration, the financial stress, dealing with doctor after doctor after doctor absorbing, understanding, studying, taking it all in, advocating, turning information into a workable plan for treatment, all while cradling my babe and keeping him as happy and whole through this process as possible, by myself, and here I am burnt out as fuck. I want to get back. i Need to get back to happy. There's got to be a way. Please tell me.

I am trying so hard, and bad news and uncertain news about his prognosis just keeps pouring in faster than I can bail it out and get my head above water.