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title:*Submitted by Henry on Fri, 06/15/2007 - 4:31am.
I was reading a magazine and the article was about these 40 something women gathering to talk about their lives and basically it ended with them not talking about their "dreams" as planned and something about how even mothers can have dreams and desires to some extent. Last week I read in our local paper an article about this woman being inspired (by some man, now dead) to pursue her dream even though she was a mother. OK, what the f*uck is that? I am not a total idiot cripple dreams-deferred person just because I had a kid. If anything having a kid has made me aware of just how important it is to do what I love, strive to be bigger or better than I am or think I am and to not sit on my ass whining all the time (most of the time is ok). I get more done every day. I don't want Bep to grow up and throw it all (himself) away because of a kid (though in this society he probably wouldn't since he's male) or any other reason. Not that I do things just to be a good role model, I am too selfish and lazy for that. I guess it just has to be a mix. I am not a good parent if I don't do what I encourage him to do (or will encourage) and I am not a happy parent if all I want to do is get away from him or get him to "behave" so I can do what I really want to do. If I can find a way to do some of what I want to do and what I love, besides parenting, then I may be a more fit parent in all ways. If I spend his childhood resenting him for keeping me from living or spend it thinking "if only I could..." I will be miserable. Not that it's that easy or it takes no work, but it takes work even without a child. And when I didn't have him you can bet your ass I wasn't using my time to get done all of the things I am now wanting to get done. I squandered my time. When I was single I squandered my aloneness pining for, chasing and trying to trap a mate. I really want to enjoy and be present with Bep for his (our) life together. And right along side, I want to do the stuff I love to do. And in addition, I want him to know that he can do what he loves too. I guess I hear from some people that they "wear a lot of hats" and they have so many roles to fill and they jump from one to the other and on and on. I get what they are saying but the only thing I seem to be able to want to do is have my one hat and make sure it's fit for all occasions. When I try to divide up my life everything comes up short, but there is a way to integrate it. Mostly it just requires that I show up and try to stay awake. One person, one life, one hat (goes with everything). "Not that it's that easy or it takes no work, but it takes work even without a child. And when I didn't have him you can bet your ass I wasn't using my time to get done all of the things I am now wanting to get done. I squandered my time. When I was single I squandered my aloneness pining for, chasing and trying to trap a mate." yes yes yes. i am definitely following my dream more actively and feverishly now that i am a mom. when you're childless, you don't realize how precious your time really is. and it's the same for my dh too. he has made great strides in his career and side projects since becoming a father. shortly before i starting dating dh, i had a tarot reading from a friend. i was struggling with pursuing my goals as an artist and pursuing my goal of finding a mate and starting a family (because deep down i knew that was what i was looking for, even though i was singing the praises of freedom and independence at the time). i felt that the two goals could not coexist--that i could not have a fully an artistic existence and be a family woman. my friend said that my creativity will flourish only after becoming a mother. a few months later i was pregnant. and now i am more creatively driven than ever. after becoming a mom, my interests broadened considerably. i don't know if it is because i'm a mom, or just that i've grown a lot. before kid: i was into painting & drawing. after kid: add to that comics and zines (and the potential for making some), quilting, emroidery, temari, patchwork, applique, making clothes, cooking, gardening (if i only had a garden, that is). yes yes yes! I agree with this. My interests and activities expanded greatly. No I do not go to bars 3x a week anymore, and watch tv the rest of the time I'm not at my 9 to 5 job. I started 3 businesses, learned to sew, garden, cook a wider variety... the list goes on. I hate this crap, too. It's so pervasive, though. When we went to LA to audition, and the director was asking me about my music, and whether it would appeal to people other than mothers, I tried to explain to him that I am a fully functioning adult, a full member of society, and that I have the a full range of experiences and emotions and thoughts. Total deer in the headlights look from this guy. he simply couldn't understand that my music originates from my experiences as a mother--he thought no one but moms could relate to that. Wha?? Like being a mom makes you an alien? Cuts you off from the rest of the world? Or maybe, it's a reflection of how the world cuts mothers off.
I hear this idea from lots of people that basically your life is over once you have kids and it drives me nuts. I feel like my life BEGAN once I had kids, or it was richer or something. Having kids was my goal, what I wanted to do. I have always wanted to be a mama in the way that some people want to be a geologist or a optician or whatever other careers there are out there and I distinctly get the impression from many sources that there is something wrong with that or that I am some kind of under achiever. one hat. I like that idea. Thanks Henry. * I'm all fight and no flight * my sentiments exactly. my having children has thrown me 180. i'm just starting to get my bearings now and i'm truely excited again to reexamine who i am and what i want from life 'cause it sure the hell is not even remotely close to what i expected in my late teens or 20's. ...and the one hat idea is brilliant. |
I totally agree - my life is so much more now that I have kids. Partially because having kids meant getting myself a hell of a lot more organized, and less frivolous. I can also thank my younger child for helping me get into med school. If it wasn't for him, I would have never joined the midwifery program, and I think it really helped me get into med school in a round about way, even though it seemed like a detour from my dreams at the time.
I hate comments (usually from people without kids) that I can't do this as a mother. Fathers (and mothers, for that matter) become doctors and work their butts off in other ways all the time. Sometimes with a helluva lot less reward than med school, too.
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