over the line? or just my own baggage... *UPDATE*
I have noticed a few times over the past few months that Sauce jr crosses his eyes every once in a while. His vision seems to be fine, but when he looks at something really close up, he left eye gets a little crossed. I have been keeping an eye on it and not feeling to worried because I have also noticed a lot of little kids (especially the little dudes) eyes do this. We still don't have a doctor yet (a doctor shortage in Ontario dontcha know, free health care is great as long as there is some one to provide it but that is another post) and so I have just figured that when we do get one, I'll bring up the eye thing. So today I am with my mom and we are watching Sauce jr play which is just so cute and I notice his eye is a little crossed and I mention it to my mom and she says "yes I know I have noticed this. I did a little research on line and this condition is called "_______". It isn't a big deal, but he may need to do some exercises and wear an eye patch."
I felt pissed off. How long had she been sitting on this little tidbit of information and not telling me she was concerned about her grandson's eye? I know that in her mind she probably thought that she 'didn't want to worry me' but I come away with the feeling that she thinks I can't handle or deal with the situation. Now I am going to talk with her about this, but I don't want to be all pissed off and insecure when I do. I realize that my own insecurities about being able to take care of my kids, especially Sauce jr are coming into play here. I made the decision to wait on a dental surgery until he is a little bigger (he has two broken teeth and enamel hypoplasia from an accident he had when he was 18 months old). I spoke with two different dentists and did some research and came to the conclusion myself that it was safe to wait and the right thing to do but sometimes I feel insecure that strangers will assume that I just don't care or am ignoring the situation. To add more baggage to the mix, the last doctor I took Sauce jr too lied to me about a reaction that he had to a vaccination (Sauce jr had partial paralysis in his leg for two weeks) then forcibly retracted his foreskin without asking me.
So yeah, maybe I can't really handle the situation. Or maybe the expectation I place on myself to have PERFECTLY healthy kids is unreasonable and if I let go of that none of this will really bother me so much.
looking forward to hearing all of your input!
* So I talked with my mom and it went really well. I told her nicely that she could feel comfortable sharing her concerns about Sauce jr because I can handle it. Then I acknowledged my insecurities about his health which I think made her comfortable to talk to me without being defensive. I asked her to be a little more up front with me in the future, and told her that I understood it might be easier for her to notice changes in my kids because she doesn't see them everyday all the time like I do. Thanks everybody for weighing in, it was really helpful for me.*
* I'm all fight and no flight *
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I think their's alot of pressure on us as parents to make the "right" decision around health issues, especially because we get so little in the way of support/feedback from the professionals. I always do this second guessing...I think I blogged it, but Indigo burned her finger and I thought it was fine, then I finally took her in after a week and the doc freaked out on me, made me go to all kinds of specialists, only to hear from them that it was fine and I probably didn't need to bring her...so I guess I'm saying even from dr. to dr. you will get varying information. I think the worry about
"
but sometimes I feel insecure that strangers will assume that I just don't care or am ignoring the situation."
is definitely best let go...much easier said than done, but yeh, I think it's that perfectionist streak (I have it too!) Also, accepting that you probably will get it wrong at some point and it most likely won't be too big of a deal...kids are pretty resilient and it sounds like you definitely do your hw on things. I mean you noticed the eye and have been paying attention? I would place bets the dr. will say wait it out for a while when you do make it...
Can you go to an optometrist for a quick check on our own without waiting? I would get it checked only because it may be easier to correct now.
Lazy Eye (Amblyopia) and Crossed Eyes (Strabismus) are not the same condition.
.
.tp feel worse?
I always have trouble responding to medical questions on this board becuase I error on saying have it checked out rather than "wait and see".
We have eye docs on every corner here in L.A. You can just walk in. Exams are cheap. I just figured they could give you a quick check to confirm it's nothing or maybe a prescription for glasses.
Sorry, didn;t mean to make you feel worse? I guess I'm not quite sure what your original question was?
Hey, do you really need a medical referral to see an Optometrist? Here, most insurance does not cover vision anyway. So usually eye exams (glasses/contacts) are out of pocket.
Now an ophthalmologist is another story since they have their medical degree and usually you do have to be referred by your GP in order for insurance coverage..
you already know what to do. you seem to have it under perfect control. when you can get into the doc, you will, in the meantime you are monitoring and doing your own research. once it feels less ick, you'll let your mom know if she has a health concern you'd like to know about it from her and you won't take it as her being critical of your parenting. and insofar as other people judging your choices around your child's health, like i said before, it seems like you have a handle on everything so no worries, you got this mama. if you were ignoring it, then you wouldn't be blogging it. sorry the health system has you so trapped.
I think that you just need to trust yourself because you are a very competent and wise woman who loves her children - which makes you a good mother. You just have to learn to trust yourself mrs. sauce, because you ARE doing right by sauce jr, you always are.
"I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman my country is the whole world." - Virginia Woolf
"I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman my country is the whole world." - Virginia Woolf
"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." - Rose F. Kennedy
First off, your kid is fine. Your plan is a good one: when you get a doctor, and get into the appt you can ask about the eye. If it's anything at all, it may be something like Duane's Syndrome that is No Big Deal (at least, from what my friends' experience is) *or* more appropriate to be treated later in life. P.S. I am obviously not a fucking eye doctor so do as your situation seems fit.
Secondly, separate these issues:
You may or may not have made mistakes in the past with your kids' healthcare. You may or may not be making mistakes now. All of us have this responsibility and all of us may make mistakes. Some of us don't make too many mistakes, or never find out about it if we did. Some poor souls make huge fucking mistakes and it has very sad, horrific, or at least regrettable consequences. I think you're probably doing fine. But listen:
Is your mom a trusted source for you to air all your angst and worry and your latest or current plans? A trusted person for you to bare all your insecurities, your medical questions? Do her opinions on medicine and health jive with yours? Is she someone who makes you feel better or worse when you openly discuss your insecurities and worries?
My guess is the answer is no. So who IS someone who fits in that category for you? Talk to THAT person (or persons).
Next time she "casually" slips in a diagnosis she did unasked for and behind your back, say, "Thank you Dr. Octopussy!" or something equally immature, and let it pass. Go home and stress about it and find your friends or HipMamas to ask for advice.
"You've got fifteen minutes to shove some pie in your hole and then it's camper time!"
"Macaroni - let me finish! - salad."
because I've been there - in a "proving ground' way where it's all about who is "right". It sucks, sucks.
I think it's interesting mr. sauce wanted to even look it up. I usually say, "Well, agree to disagree" (ala Anchorman and "whale vagina") when confronted with that freakiness. I think that must be a difficult family trait to live with.
"You've got fifteen minutes to shove some pie in your hole and then it's camper time!"
I don't know your mother, but is it possible that she noticed the eye thing and researched it on her own instead of worrying you because she knew whatever happened you COULD deal with it and didn't need her butting in? Yes, maybe she could have pretended not to have noticed, but it sounds like the kind of thing I would do: Notice something, figure I didn't want to butt in, do some research, then when invited into the problem offer my two cents. Not saying it's not annoying, just saying I can see where she's coming from.
I agree that we set our standards too high health-wise. And I think it's hurting our health. We dash in and fixfixfix when it might be better to do the research and talk to people like what you're doing on the teeth.
I'm sorry about Sauce Jr.'s problems though. Another vaccine reaction. Everybody I talk to about Simon's reaction says their kid reacted and had some crazy problem. We should all keep talking to eachother more or else we become really disconnected from the way real people are living.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
Geez. That's very frustrating. Doctors seem to get all personally wrapped up in this vaccination debate which pisses me off. Like, please get a grip on yourself and provide us with rationally thought out care, ya know?
Simon reacted to his 15 mo dtap vaccine and got a high fever, vomiting and diarea. I'm tired of trying to spell diarea right. Then he couldn't pee. He seemed extra tired for awhile. All this didn't really seem that bad, except we think he has celiac disease, which causes difficulty chelating and kinda correlates with autism somewhat. So I took him to a naturopath and got drops that will help his body deal with the vaccine and am juicing cilantro which should help him chelate. You might try a naturopath if you can, but no rush, it's not like it's going to be "too late".
You're doing the right stuff: you are really THINKING through your choices. Sometimes, even when we really think, we still get fucked over, but it DOES make it less likely. I do struggle with caring about what others think. I think sometimes, when you have high expectations for yourself you do unconsciously plan to please everyone when you know you can't. Unfortunately, the people I struggle to please are the same ones who become toxic for me. Yes, probably SOME people are going to judge you because of Sauce Jr's teeth. They don't KNOW how much you think everything through. This is because there's this great big boogeyman in society of the "checked-out mother". I've never met a mother who didn't care about her children, but we all seem to fear that she's hiding in people we meet. Part of the whole "Society of fear" thing, especially in the U.S.
If I were you, and it's good you're with-it enough to have identified this baggage within yourself, I'd just try to project confidence as a way to improve society: "Nobody judges me as a mother because everybody knows the "checked-out mother" is a stereotype not a real person" and see if putting that vibe out there 1)Keeps the few real judgers away 2)Makes you feel stronger 3)Improves the world by contradicting the "checked-out mother" stereotype
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
but i'd still be miffed that she came across this nugget and didn't see fit to discuss it with me.
"Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin! It encourages punching, boastfulness and rudeness to hos!"
it sounds like you have a good relationship overall with your mom? is this right? i think that if you're close enough to see your mom regularly & have some communication with her, maybe her intention was good. BUT, maybe she should have known that holding out on you & her opinion/research of your sons eye, wasn't the way to go.
these situations are harder for me to judge, because i have no relationship with my bio-mom, because she is a straight up lunatic. *and she would never care enough to even comment on her grandkids health/well being, period*.
i can see how this would upset you - it would bother me to. when i'm close to a person i want them to tell me the truth/their opinon if it could help the situation, or my child.
i think you've made some good decisions about your childs health, i can relate to the feeling of someone second guessing what you know is best.
it seems like there's always a jackass waiting in a bush, ready to jump out and make you feel bad. i hate that. on a good day, i take comfort in knowing that people only judge incorrectly when their totally misinformed.
the botton line is i hope your sons eyes/vision is okay. that's all that matters.
take care,
dc
matriarchal time warrior
because I would do the same thing. I think it is s simply a personality trait. If I am worried about something. I will look it up and find out all about it, even if it is for/about someone else. I think she was a little knowitallie (a new word for you) to blurt it out in that fashion, but I suffer from that defect too so I understand. Because she found that it was okay, she didn't have to intervene as grandma. I think it is hard for women to fully release parental control on their children, even when they are grown.
"sometimes I feel insecure that strangers will assume that I just don't care or am ignoring the situation."
We all feel like this at some point or another. I feel insecure whenever Ike has done a nosedive that people think I beat him with a tire iron. Just last night he ran into the windowsill with his upper lip. He looked like a Hollywood starlet with a fresh injection of collagen. Or I feel insecure that people think I don't vaccinate because I am an idiot bumkin that has been led away by some fundamental religion. I pretty much feel insecure about every non-mainstream parenting ideal I try to attain (but I do them anyway, fuck em all).
the benefit of the doubt, however - maybe I am reading between the lines too much, but I got this vibe like she was TELLING mrs. sauce what was up (as opposed to looking online and freely sharing with mrs. sauce, with openness and curiosity on her part).
"yes I know I have noticed this. I did a little research on line and this condition is called '_______'."
There is some weird vibe like she really does think she's FIGURED IT OUT. Therefore now she is ENTITLED to judge every aspect of mrs. sauce's "treatment" of the problem. I have heard mrs. sauce often go off here about how our words and our attitudes can really hurt other people and make them feel bad. I'm wondering if mrs. sauce gets this sort of belligerence in response to her FOO, who seem to have this power over her and her family?
Again - maybe I'm reading too much into what I'm seeing here.
"You've got fifteen minutes to shove some pie in your hole and then it's camper time!"
That is great! I'm glad it went well.
"You've got fifteen minutes to shove some pie in your hole and then it's camper time!"
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
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thanks mamarebe. That is a good reminder that even if I go to a doctor their opinion is just that, the opinion of one doctor. Medicine is not an exact science but we are all supposed to pretend it is the be all end all.
* I'm all fight and no flight *