non-harsh mamas: a light bulb moment
let me set the scene for you; teething 8 month old baby who hasn't slept for about 3 days, active 3 year old with a cold, the mr. and I recovering from an intense marriage counseling session, general domestic chaos...
I called my mom today to ask her if she knew how I could clean a melted plastic bag off of a stove element. She didn't really know but she did want to know how that could have possibly happened. I explained what had happened (making a delicious sugar free treat for Sauce jr, baby fussing and kid pestering I knocked over a bag of dried cranberries onto a still warm stove burner) Then I mentioned that I had overcooked tonights dinner, roast beef because I forgot to turn the oven down before I had a nap. My mom's response: "Why were you trying to sear it at the beginning anyway? I would never do THAT".
and it hit me, the light bulb moment.
I talk to myself like that ALL THE TIME. I have something shitty to say to myself every time I make a mistake or I don't live up to my unreasonable expectations of what and how I should be doing stuff. I am constantly concerned about what my mother thinks of how I am raising my kids because I let them watch a bit of tv and I don't bake my own crackers. My partner has mentioned that he feels like he can never live up to my expectations. I am angry all the time because nothing and no one ever can meet my expectations, including myself. I have no tolerance for failure or mistakes, I think that everything should be perfect the first time I try and if it isn't it's because I failed. Which of course, is unacceptable.
so here is what I need to do, let go of my expectations of how my partner should be, how my kids should behave and most importantly, of myself. i have to stop talking to myself so poorly and I have to stop calling my mom when I need help, because obviously I don't live up to her expectations either.
* I'm all fight and no flight *
- mrs. sauce's blog
- Login or register to post comments
I can relate to this revelation. I too - since having kids - have noticed my own mental chatter. I've noticed how hard on myself I can be and how judgmental/critical I am towards myself. Since realizing this, it has been a huge priority to catch myself falling into that negative mindset. I tend to think if I can be more aware of how I'm thinking, I will suffer less in life because I can stop myself from tearing myself another asshole everyday.
Thanx for posting this, mrs. sauce. And may you also find the awareness to stop the mental chatter (and ass tearing) 
.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
Wow. That is an amazing discovery.
let's toast to kicking that voice out the door and down the street. I think it helps to say those dumb-ass things out loud, so you can hear how dumb-ass they really are! My fave is how I have this deep fear that I'm being judged for "snuggling" my nine month old too much 'cause mom thinks she should CIO. WTF. . .Try saying that out loud: "I snuggle my baby too much" and you'll see what I mean . . .
I feel your pain, mama. Ah, to just not give as much of a shit...
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
or verb or whatever is the bon mot of the moment.
"You sure know how to build a better mousetrap, Fred"--Shaggy.
if i could hug you right now i would - i'm crying as i type this. i can definitely relate to what you posted. it takes guts to day it out loud. blessed be to your sweet soul.
love always,
dc
matriarchal time warrior
I so hear you. The ass-kicking I give myself in my own head is amazing and I do know that some of the original source is my mom...who also does it to herself of course...and got it from her mom....
Imagine my stunned face when, this past winter, I was walking with my mom and berating myself for being fat and tired (I was 5 months pregnant at the time), and my mom, my MOM! said to me, "A., maybe your only job right now is to cook up a healthy baby, and you should stop trying so hard to go to the gym, and maybe let the house go a bit and get some extra sleep."
Damn, Mrs. Sauce, I needed this today. Had a horrible harsh mama day yesterday and feel like shit still. This made me feel a bit better, thanks so much. I am my worst enemy most of the time and DH is unfairly treated sometimes because of this. Thanks again, and I'm kicking the expectations out the effing door today!
"...And I shall know some savor of elation,
Admist the cares, the woes, and the vexation..." ~Pushkin
You deserve a break!
Sunflower the unflower
Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky
Sunflower the unflower
because she was likely a part originator of this voice (I'm into an "I'm annoyed with my mom" phase, thanks for letting me hijack your thread with it).
I'm also a perfectionist, although not a very angry one. It's lame because anyone looking at my life would NOT think "perfection" when they saw it. If I'm going to suffer as a perfectionist than can't I have a fucking clean house at least!?!?
Seriously though, I relate.
"You've got fifteen minutes to shove some pie in your hole and then it's camper time!"
"Macaroni - let me finish! - salad."
ooooooh, this is sooooo hard to do...
and mom is the same way. Never fails that she says shit like that...no matter the subject she will find some way that every problem is my doing. And I'm really working on that damn inner voice too. I really do notice a difference when I consciously try to focus on the positive and forgive myself quickly for the mistakes/failures. And also, so impt with our kids, cause they are never going to be able to live up to our expectations! And yes, cut off the phone calls (I know, easier said then done!) I still break down and talk to her every couple weeks but make sure I only talk for 15-20 min. cause at least that way the damage is minimized...
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith