need some vibes

1. had a jam session with my drummer and old guitar player (Kjetset, not Xod) last night. It just makes me depressed that we can't find another guitar player. But, on a good note, I realize that I have become so much better as a bassist and band leader than just a year ago when K. was in the band.
I feel like my band is dying, and there's nothing I can do about it.
2. Spending time with the DCE, I am reminded of another shy, geeky fellow I dated (in high school). I ended up breaking up with him because I was being so badly abused by my family, and he just couldn't relate. I already felt like a freak for what I was going through, but when I went to him for some compassion or comfort, he just couldn't understand, and I felt even more freakish. I don't know if it's a guy thing, or a young guy thing, or if it was just that particular guy.
3. I just realized that I probably won't be able to make rent this month. I have to borrow money, and that makes me sad. I placed 4 ads today to fill up the one opening I have, and maybe to create more business for a soon-to-be employee.
4. Just feeling lonely in all this.