PTSD mamas?
Anyone have PTSD resulting from sexual abuse?
Last night, I was with the DCE, being quite friendly, and I mentioned that I was on my period. He said he's not into doing with girls who are on the proverbial rag (my term, not his).
In a way, I can see that it's a preference, but, for me, it felt like a rejection of me as a woman (sorry, can't help that I bleed every month. It's cuz I'm a girl. I'm sorry for being a girl.)--and I went right to PTSD trigger-land. I have been rejected for being a girl, for having wants and needs, when the FAX only cared about the HOLE. Those of you who have been sexually abused, especially if it's been a twisted, manipulative, mind fuck kind of sexual abuse (is there any other kind?), may know that feeling of being rejected for who you are, while being expected to perform certain duties--KWIM--or face battery or rape or whatnot.
So, I found myself slinking down into "my needs don't exist"-ville, and terror, and I performed a certain act that I generally like to do, but I was miserable. And I certainly didn't get my own needs fulfilled. And I couldn't tell him, because I KNEW that I was dealing with a trigger.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I so hate the FAX right now. Double abuse, triple abuse. The original abuse, the PTSD about it now, and the inability to tell this nice (if slightly misguided) guy. I feel like I've been infected with a weirdness that I can't get rid of. Years of therapy, years of inner work, years of celibacy, and it's all for nothing.
Maude, and it's not like DCE meant anything by it. For Pete's sake, he bought me a pie (because I've been talking about pie for about 2 weeks) and chocolates and a little heart-shaped box, and a cute V-Day card, and he snuggled me real close while we watched a cool movie about surfing.
I feel really alone in this. Please, mamas, some advice? How do I tell someone what to expect from PTSD girl? How can I face the potential rejection? I don't want to be rejected because I'm all twisted just because someone else twisted me!
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but i have heard that sufferers of abuse by the opposite sex parent have behaviors very similar to sexual abuse victims. i get that feeling of, i really should. he's been nice, or whatever. i think jmoon is right on in that. if you feel it, don't do it.
i would feel rejected and skeeved too by a guy who's turned off by periods. that to me is just wrong.
“They think I do not know a buttload of crap about the Gospel, but I do!��?
Ah, so my post was here at least for a minute, huh?
I don't have sexual abuse in my past, or at least not such that I have the types of feelings / triggers you are talking about. So I don't have anything worthwhile to add. I think you've expressed yourself well here and I hope you find a way to talk to DCE about it. And anyone else who has some practical advice.
The period thing is ... interesting. I myself don't want action during my Lady's Days. But I also would feel rejected if I got that message (implicit or said outright). I'll be interested to hear what others have to say on the subject.
"Macaroni - let me finish! - salad."
my post title was just to reference that no, I'm not a "PTSD Mama", but I wanted to weigh in anyway because I'm talky like that.
"For me, the issue is feeling like I can't get away from the FAX (and other sexual abusers), and that I'm still all twisted and broken inside. I just want to enjoy having a boyfriend."
I feel for you on that one.
Does it help to think of this relationship as a healing opportunity?
Yeah, I think it doesn't necessarily say anything horrible about the guy....(maybe blood freaks him out.) BUT, I too would feel a little bit weird about this. Sex with me is not for the squeamish. Another thing, I am in the minority of women who do NOT get off (or really even enjoy) recieving oral sex. But I wouldn't want to be with a guy who wasn't willing and happy to do it. I also don't trust people who regularly jump in the shower right after (regular non-period) sex. I want someone who is comfortable stewing in the juices indefinately.
(dh calls it a war-paint party, i guess cause blood gets everywhere; whatever)
it's important to talk to you current partner about your past experience; being sexually abused and how there are certain things that trigger old emotions and bad feelings. It can be hard to bring up, you may want to know what, if any, preconceived ideas he may have about someone who was sexually abused.
when my now-husband and i were first together i would have some flashbacks during sex, and could not perform oral sex on him as that was a major trigger for me. sometimes when i felt 'all weird' he would see that i had 'this look on my face' and he would think it was something he did... it wasn't always smooth. We had lots of talks about me, my feelings, my past. It was hard for him to be the 'guy who is here now trying to make up for all the assholes in my past '--what he said. I think things came up for me then because i was learning how to be safe with him. I had done years of counselling and therapy prior to knowing him, and had gotten to a place of okay-ness in every day life, it was a shock to have those bad feelings. they didn't last long, as i was pretty far along on my *healing journey* by then.
One thing though, post traumatic stress disorder is much more than experiencing a trigger that sets off an emotion. The healing journey from sexual abuse is not directly related to ptsd. things can set you off--an emotion, sex, flashbacks, smells, feelings. But the need to deal with the sexual abuse is just that, our bodies telling us they're ready to handle it now. Post traumatic stress disorder is when the sufferrer cannot distinguish between reality now and what has happened previously. It is quite serious, and while many surviviors of childhood sexual abuse do suffer from it, not all do yet still have extreme emotions and crazy-ness surrounding it.
good luck in talking to DCE, and just go slow, there is time, you don't have to divulge everything right away, maybe just talk about the no-sex-on-period and find out what's up with that. 
**Breathe**yo
**Breathe**
"How do I tell someone what to expect from PTSD girl?"
You should not have to tell him anything, I say strike one or red (no pun etc) flag #1. For all of us who have pts we have to be honest with ourselves because if we/you are not we/you will spend months trying to negotiate with this guy only to find that he does not love us/you and then it will just suck because we'll/you'll need to heal-again. I'm not saying to bail but don't be dishonest w/yourself and start being submissive and not getting your needs met-don't EVER let that happen again.
So my best advice is to see what you are doing, he gets one get out of jail free guard and don't let it be 'unsaid' next time & hopefully there will not be a next time because he sounds like he's trying.
BUT
don't EVER get him off again unless he gets you off too, it's way too early in the relationship for you two to have that type of levity.
GOOD LUCK!!
I wouldn't exactly say that I let him get off. I'd say that the FAX used to get me all excited, and then accuse me of being a slut, or dirty or disgusting, or some other hurtful, hateful thing. And if he figured out that he'd struck a chord, he'd say the same thing again and again and again. So, a coping mechanism for me was to act like it didn't matter, and to do something to distract him (like go down on him, very distracting), just so I could feel somewhat safe. All I'm saying is that, last night, that coping mechanism kicked in when I felt hurt by what nice DCE said. It's unfortunate, but what's important for me now is how to handle this. Of course, I'm going to talk to him, but I need to present it in a non-confrontational, non-threatening way.
I think it's a lot to hear, that the girl you've just started dating is a sex abuse survivor, and sometimes checks out and acts weird. I don't think it would be a good idea to share with him the gorey details of what I went through. I don't want to hold him accountable for the actions of other people. I do want to inform him, and part of that is giving him the opportunity to opt out of the relationship. That makes me sad, the idea that I might not be dating him, if he can't deal with my extremely fucked up life.
just be gentle, be subtle and remember that most happy relationships thrive on a bit of benign neglect where things are not always under a microscope. Too many esp. in the Bay Area are always standing outside of relationships with this constant scrutiny, not that what you are doing is that, you just are being careful. In fact it's the people that have suffered far less than we have that are spewing the psychobabble at us and tagging us as "damaged goods" so we have to be wary. I'm happy now but i had one guy "therapize me" years ago and it was really abusive. He was the psycho but I trusted him because he had me convinced I was.
With folks like us it's tricky because to sort through our pasts we've had to recapitulate and rexamine nad it can be mistaken as 'messed up.' But I agree, better that you be as honest as possible now then build up an attatchment that won't end up being healthy or enduring.
I know how sad you will feel if it does not work out now but it will be an entirely different and far more brutal situation if time elapses and then it does not gel.
To me it all sounds healthy, you know that you deserve kind people in your life, you took your time, you have happy babies and have done a lot of hard, good work.
Lastly, love em or hate em (and i love em) men are men, don't EVER make them feel they have you 100% sewn up. i know it sounds gamey but it's true and it's never been disproven. That's why so many stunningly beautiful women end up alone, for all their physical perfection they gave away too much and were too predictable. The healthiest relationships are enviable and rare and the guy being just a tad (just a tad) unsure is a key component.
Have fun!!!
Arg!! I made a **long** comment to this and it is gone, as is the blog I made. (I was your first comment!!)
Basic jist: I relate, and I found it was paramount to begin to honor my own feelings, to promise myself I would NEVER re-violate MYSELF by putting someone elses needs/desires ahead of my own right to feel okay.
You're not responsible for someone elses orgasm, (even if you've been making out) and a nice guy would understand that. A nice guy would probably also listen if you wanted to share some of your thoughts/experiences.
Also, the book _the courage to heal_ was incredibly practical and useful for me. I recommend it.
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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The period thing is not really the issue, at this moment. I think I could talk to him about it and get a clearer perspective. I get the feeling, contextually, that he's been with people who took moontime as the time to get all messy and dirty, and they were into that. I'm not. I'm more of an Earthy, this-is-my-body kind of a person, regarding periods.
For me, the issue is feeling like I can't get away from the FAX (and other sexual abusers), and that I'm still all twisted and broken inside. I just want to enjoy having a boyfriend.
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