Please help
Groan. 3-year-olds and not listening. The past three mornings I have been in tears. The last two nights for dinner I have been in tears. Mornings consist of screaming fits about getting dressed, nearly every day. Doesn't matter what I pick for her to wear. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what times she goes to bed at night. Screaming fits. Every fucking day. Dinnertime--working on getting her to sit in her chair and eat her food without throwing it on the floor or getting down to run circles around the table or pull the cat's tail or whathaveyou. I put her in time out if she doesn't sit at the table "like a big girl" but these days I'm having trouble even getting her to sit in time out. I can't get her to brush her teeth when I ask. i can't get her to get in the bath tub when I ask.
I don't know what the deal is. I realize I should just remain calm and take it in stride and deal with the situation and that my breaking down in tears probably makes things worse, but the constant screaming and not listening and hitting and all of that wears on me. Plus, this is not the little girl I know. I am not the most permissive mom in the world. I say no, and mean it. I also try to pick my battles. I give consequences. I try to distract and redirect and all of that. It doesn't appear to matter what I do or how I react.
Feeling a little beleaguered this morning. Anyone have any book recommendations or other advice?
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I don't have advice because, for one, I think you know what you should do - I just think this is hard times!
One thing: there is NOTHING wrong with you breaking down in tears in front of your child occasionally. If the tears are genuine "sad" tears (there is no blame in them) and you really own it, it just shows your child you are human and don't always have the upper hand.
My son and I have been having trouble too. He's almost 3. Maybe we should start a "3-year old Hellion" thread.
I'm sure other Mamas will chip in with good advice.
Good luck!
"Macaroni - let me finish! - salad."
I am all about the three yr old thread! my son has been impossible, he was using his dolly carriage to run into me repeatedly today. The meal time thing is something we have aproblem with too. He was never picky before, but now, forget about it, he won't try anything. I feel your pain(
!
love and logic magic for early childhood
practical parenting from birth to six years
by jim fay and charles fay
it's good and funny and makes sense
love and logic really works
unless you need to go some where, does she really need to wear clothes?
sorry, i know it's frustrating, but hang in there.
"We coffee drinkers in the developed countries can pay $2 or more for a premium cup of coffee. But many small farmers in the underdeveloped world are lucky to live on $2 a day."
-SoJoBlend:Brewing Up Justice
"Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity."
for ds, (he has a school uniform) i put out pairs of khaki pants, pairs of underwear, pairs of socks, two pairs of shoes, belt, tshirts, and his uniform shirts - all of 'em (red, white or navy) and said, "i am leaving in 10 minutes. please choose what you would like to wear to school and be ready by the time the alarm goes off." thus, eliminating all other choices, leaving only acceptable options for everyone, and setting a time limit. luckily, this was the end of it for me. no more struggle.
but, but, but, we discussed how to handle this with our love and logic certified teacher at class and she recommended
-simplifying for 3 yr old, narrow down to 2 outfits and say, "would you like to wear this or this?" doesn't work. say, "please choose or i will choose for you." child still not cooperating. "i choose this outfit for you. would you like help getting dressed or would you like to do it yourself?" no answer, or no cooperation, still in pjs. you could do a wrestling move and force child, but not the best option! say, "okay, i am going to help you." pick up clothes, child if you have to and walk to front door. she said usually by this point they know you're serious about leaving with or without clothes on and will cooperate with you cause you stuck to your words. but, but, but, again
if they really aren't getting dressed, wrap child in blanket or something warm enough to get you to the car (it is january) and get in. if the child is still not getting dressed. she said that you have to really follow through and put child in car dressed in pjs, drive to school and have them change there.
she really said this to our class, and i think if faced with a situation like that, i would try it. i can give you her name and email if you want, she's awesome and could help if you are interested.
i can also send you my book, if you'd like to borrow and can't find at the library.
and if you give me a bit, i'll think about what i would do. i can also tell the teacher that you are going to contact her before hand, so she knows what it's about. let me know, what you think, and i can pm you her name and email
here goes. maybe give 'em an option of where to sit, chairs face different directions, shake things up a bit. "would you like to sit here (facing window) or here (head of the table)? interesting, chooses seat. "dinner is going to last 20 min (or however long), when the timer goes off, dinner is over." problem resolved for while, unwanted behavior begins. "oh, you really want to spit food out/throw food? this is so sad. looks like dinner is over." remove food. or you could try removing child from table, "how sad. looks like (name) needs to go sit in (another room) until he understands how to behave when eating with us." you might have to physically remove child. at three, i thought ds was old enough to know when he was hungry enough to eat, so i didn't sweat him missing a meal. but, only you know your child and your boundaries.
also, it's important to leave out all sarcasm, be empathetic and be consistent. use the same sayings and consequences EVERY time.
hope this helps, or you can just say bike n burley, thank you, but, you're weird, no more advice! i'll get it, don't worry!
we have many opportunities for these screaming fits. they drain me of so much energy.
my mom was very in control, a real loving disciplinarian. i thought i would be the same. i have tried to be more diligent with my daughters behavior, but what i have found is being over-diligent is unproductive in our house.
it's the classic line "pick your battles"
i try to be aware of my expectations of my daughters. if they are having a hard day following directions, i lower my expectation. i give them less opportunities to mess up. i try to get them engaged in physical activities. if they can't sit still, then dance.
You are doing a great job...Don't worry, let's put it into perspective......the kid has only been on this planet for 3 years!!! She won't stay like this forever, well at least not really, they have the same relapse at 13.
My 3 year old demands to be called Ariel and throws fits at a drop of the hat. I just stand there at the time out chair and let her scream until she is done, then I ask for an apology, a wiped face and we start over. It does make for the longest days but I find if you don't argue back it end quickly. You are doing fine...hang in there.
but I did post this blog if you remember for some tips on dressing:
http://www.hipmama.com/node/28542
What I ended up doing is letting her pick her fav (weather appropiate) pants, tops, etc and put them in ONE drawer. Now I just let her pick out what she wants to wear in the am. May not match, but it's warm and we do not FIGHT/CRY...
So far so good, but I have the same thing going on here. Bedtime is what it is. Cry or not, we're slowly understanding. I really believe when you give in on some things you set yourself up for worse the next time at this age becuase they donn;t get it completely. When they're older, they will. Hopefully!
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I love that you sort the clothes out. I need to do that, then she will always look snappy. I get to giggling so hard when she throws the fit about wearing what she wants and then comes out with a bathing suit top and tights attempting to put them all on over her mermaid costume. If it's normal clothes, and the weather is fitting I just let her wear what she picks. She has an odd thing for wanting everything to "match" (whatever the heck that means to a 2 year old). But i take it with a grain of salt...remember, you have to pick your battles and that is not one for me.
I fight more with my 10 yearold trying to get him to peel off his socks and change them once a day!
my favorite book is, "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years". check it out...hopefully it's as helpful to you as it has been to me.
other then that, i would say that it sounds like maybe she's trying to assert herself, her independence. maybe offer her choices whenever you can, "what shirt would you like to wear today?..."would you like grapes or bananas with your oatmeal?"...etc. anytime you can offer a choice ending in a decision you can both be okay with, offer it! what i've found is that giving choices promotes critical thinking skills, self assurance, and limits the need for a child to assert themselves in the form of tantrums.
hope this helps! good luck.
"We coffee drinkers in the developed countries can pay $2 or more for a premium cup of coffee. But many small farmers in the underdeveloped world are lucky to live on $2 a day."
-SoJoBlend:Brewing Up Justice
oh wow this tough. I tell ya, it is a shock to the system when your child behaves like this.
Now my advice is based on how I dealt with this with my kids, not an expert opinion or book, ok. With all my kids when they started that screaming or even whining, I would tell them I couldn't understand them when they screamed/talked that way. This worked well with my oldest and youngest, but not so much with my middle child, s-bop. He had a difficult time with adjusting to having a baby brother at 3, which was the source of it. So I gave him a lot of illusion about having choices, like I would let him pick out his own clothes but I hid/put away choices that weren't reasonable, like sandals in the winter.
This might work with your daughter, because she is generally easy-going and likes to laugh: Make up a song or saying that you know will trigger her laughter, then you can seque her into whatever activity you need her to do. For example for s-bop (actually I used this for all of them but they are years apart in age so it applied to one child at a time) I called him my Merry Sunshine, which he thought was a hoot. When he was happily playing sometimes I'd say to him, Who's my Merry Sunshine? and he'd say I am! I am, mama! I'm your Merry Sunshine! Then when he was screaming or refusing to do or resisting something I needed him to do, like put on his coat or whatever, I would sit down and cover my face and say I just don't know where my Merry Sunshine is. I am so sad, where is my Merry Sunshine? and that would break his little tantrum and he'd cry out Here I am mama, here is your Merry Sunshine! I am I am! and he'd start laughing and pull my hands away.
God, the stuff I've done to get a toddler out the door, LOL.
This is a rough age for this behavior. Not to say that it won't happen when they are older, but as they get older, they can understand the consequences a bit better and your tactics will be more effective. the most important thing is to be consistant. You might feel like you are getting no where at times, but remember you are constanly laying the foundation for future "disipline" (if that's a word you use).
I also think it's okay to break down in front of your child if it is genuine. I've done it and I think it made them realize that their actions had consequences in a way they didn't think possible.
Sometimes, though I know it's the ultimate self dicipline, it's best for you to ignore the screaming and yelling behavior. I used to tell my daughter (and still do) that she needs to go into her bedroom to act that way because I didn't want to hear it. She can come out when she's done. This has actually been good for her cause now she can sometimes realize that she just needs to take space. My son never really acted out too much like that, but has been lately (he's 9) and when I send him to go take space on his bed till he's done acting that way, he freaks out. He really has a hard time dealing with it - especially since I won't come talk to him until he's calmed down.
It gets hard when you can't physically "make" a child do something. I tend to take the approach of "it's time to brush your teeth. Can you do it yourself, or do I need to help you do it?" If I get no response, I dive right in with "ok, I'll help you" and start the process. I will follow out with doing it for them so that they know that next time I give them that choice, I will just do it for them if they can't do it themself.
On a crueler note, when dd really was out of control and there was no effective way to dicipline her and I was feeling out of my mind, I would tell her she was going to be put outside (no matter what the weather)... then she would do it again, I would just pick her up and put her outside and shut the door without emotion. I would open the door after a 1/2 a minute or so and ask her if she was done with her behavior, and if not, I'd shut the door again. Keep in mind, when I did this, I always lived somewhere where there was absolutely no danger for her to be outside of the front door by herself. Wait, one house, we had a porch and that's what we used. I really never had to do that more than a few times before if became a great threat (since they knew I wasn't kidding). The worst was when there was snow outside.
Anyway, just hang in there and try to take the space you need to deal with your daughter and her tantrums. Keeping your head together can be hard, so make sure you have some good ways to keep yourself calm or step away from the situation.
Check out my daily photo journal:
http://ocim.livejournal.com/
Check out my daily photo journal:
http://ocim.livejournal.com/
Oh Selahsmom. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I really really do. This is what Sauce jr is all about and it is so frusterating i can barely put words to it. I have no advice but to just get through it. This is a frusterating stage because it feels like there is no progress, you keep going through the routine, calmly saying what needs to be done, dealing with the endless tantrums. I suspect that although it appears that he isn't listening to me, that eventually this will pay off. Like a few months down the road I'll be really impressed with how great he is listening and how he knows on his own what needs to be done next (tooth brushing, getting dressed, sitting at the table, etc). In the mean time, just keep goin' on.
Oh! and I almost forgot. At dinner time I started doing this thing where the whole family held hands and said "yay for this food!" and then as we started to eat we would each talk about a favorite part of our day that day. I always say something that he and I did together (which appears to delight him) and the whole ritual seems to distract him long enough that he sits down for a part of the meal. Now he is into this routine and often initiates it himself.
* I blame men *
* I'm all fight and no flight *
If it were me, I would do a lot of "How would you feel if I did that to you" work. Like, when she doesn't do what you ask: Ask her, what if you asked mommy for [her favorite food], but mommy kept saying no. How would you feel? I asked you nicely to get in your bath, and you say no. How do you think I feel? If you don't get in nicely, then I will not do what you ask nicely.
With the sitting down to eat, Tony still doesn't do this well consistently, so, looking back, I'd say why bother fighting about it at all?
I hope this phase ends soon for you. It's very very frustrating!
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
it is great reading all the suggestions here. maybe i should start a blog so i can get advice from all of you.
we have had a terrible time with our dd from age 2 to almost 4, now she is a bit better although still throws intense fits. i keep hoping that 4 is the magic number and that things will smooth out. good luck!
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yeah, I actually just sent an email to several of my friends who have 3-year-olds, saying, you know, i think we need to start a support group for mamas of 3-year-olds!
The tears...they're definitely sad tears. Sad as in, wow, I feel like such a failure as a mama! No blame, because she is 3 years old and I know in some ways she is only doing what she developmentally should be doing...challenging and asserting independence and all of that crap that is wonderful and healthy and makes a little girl a lady someday...but is very trying for mamas...and I just sort of feel like, what am I doing wrong here? I think huck mentioned her mom as a very "loving disciplinarian," which is what i really want to be...but sometimes I don't know if it is really working very well. Try, try, try again. Thanks, mama, for the commisseration.