Feeling shafted
This is kind of embarrassing, so please bear with me, but I am really trying to deal with my feelings about it and not doing so very successfully. My SO and I work together. We met in the workplace. It seems kind of fun and okay to date someone you work with, but I guess it can get complicated after a while. We are now living together as well, and we work really closely together, not just in the same building, but on the same "team" in the same department.
So he was recently promoted. I should have been very proud of and excited for him, right? I wanted to be. i had thought I would be. But I wasn't. I felt sort of shafted and bitter about the whole thing. I was kind of taken aback by my reaction and am embarrassed about it, but for some reason I can't shake it. He and I have worked here for basically the same amount of time. We've worked on similar projects. He's been given a lot of leadership opportunities, and I have not. There may be various reasons that he was given those leadership opportunities and i wasn't. But here's the thing: I feel like we have equal skill at our job. In some ways I feel like I actually have a better natural skill at what we do than he does. We just do things a little differently. He is slow and methodical. I kick ass at learning and getting things done quickly, without a whole lot of mistakes. The other difference is that he is very friendly and outgoing. I am much more introverted. Am I hard to work with? No. I think I'm actually pretty easy to work with. (I think, anyway.) But I don't go out of my way to talk to everyone in the office. Just how I am. I keep to myself. I don't kiss ass.
I'm not saying that I think he shouldn't have gotten promoted and I should have. I'm just feeling a little bitter about the reasons that he got to this place in the first place, the fact that he's been given a lot of leadership opportunities--that they have literally been handed to him--and, even though I know I can lead well, I haven't been given those opportunities. Is this a gender thing? Is it a personality thing? What's the deal?
I was also recently taken off a project, and he was put on in my stead. It was a project that I thought I would be given some leadership opportunity on. I wasn't kicked off for any major reason, according to my boss. Just "staffing issues." Frankly, what I think he meant was, this project got bigger than we thought it would and we needed to put someone on who could lead it, and I'm not going to let you do that. But I'm sitting here thinking, why not? I'm just as capable as he is.
Am I being completely petty? I really, as I said, am embarrassed about my selfish feelings, when I should be excited for my SO regarding his promotion. But nonetheless, I sort of feel like I've gotten a little bit of the shaft, and it kind of sucks. Anyone have any words of wisdom to make me feel better or to make me snap out of it?
badly. If you felt like the two of you had been treated equally all along and he got the promotion, you probably WOULD have felt happy and proud for him...but with the history of him being handed more leadership opportunities and you not...this is the icing on the cake. (Am I right? Or totally off...?)
Anyhow, I obviously don't know what's going on at your office but if I were you I'd probably want to ask the bossman what's up with the lack of promotions for you. I know you are an intelligent and well spoken mama, I do believe that you are really good at your job...you should find out why you're not being rewarded for it.
Yeah, maybe you need to go and ASK for more leadership roles. Directly communicate what you feel you are capable of and what you desire.
I think that the more ways you can find to take personal accountability for what happened, the better and more at peace you will feel. Even if you have to get creative and stretch a little to do so.
I'm glad you chose to share this here, hopefully it will help you process this whole mess.
I've read that women have to speak up more than men in the workplace to be seen as being capable at the same job. Like you have to really exude leadership qualities whereas in a man they are assumed. even still, had it been down only women in the running they would have picked the more gregarious one I think. That's what I've seen at various jobs.
This will pass and you will feel happy for him but right now, it's ok to feel what you feel. oh honey **hugs**
You know, that *shows* initiative. That shows drive. Motivation. Desire for success. These things translate into job skills. It's not just "ass-kissing."
you are right and you shouldn't have to but you can see where that is getting you. You have to decide if you want to keep going the same way and being angry or change up and get promoted.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
I'm the same way, and the whole situation is gendered, because though it can help to be outgoing to get promoted it does not matter as much for men (IMO). I think women are expected to be friendly and accomodating in the workplace much more than men, so that no matter how well they do their job if they do not ass kiss they are looked at as a bitch. Men, on the other hand, often get rewarded for both... for being friendly, but also for being serious because that is their expected role. If I were you I think I'd go on the job market at some point soon, so at least you don't have to have the bullshit that happens at work affect your relationship. The mama's are right that it is the fucking patriarchal world we live in, not necessarily your man; but in this situation he is without question reaping the benefits and that's gotta be hard to live with in such a direct, in your face kinda way. And I guess, truth be told, I find reaping the benefits of sexism, white privilege, etc. without questioning how that happened quite irritating.
in the workplace - that's funny. I've repeatedly been warned by older professional mentor-type women not to do that. I don't think you have to ass-kiss either. But I do think it's important to find a way that's *comfortable with you* to get into your boss' face a little bit. Maybe it's something as simple as scheduling a meeting, and saying, "I've been feeling like my career here isn't advancing as quickly as I'd like. I assess my strengths and achievements this way (then list them). Is there anything you can suggest that would help me reach X goal?" This would also give your supervisor something to be held accountable to.
What I mean by comfortable with you - if you are more comfortable just being straight-forward, then take that approach. If you're not comfortable talking about it, send an e-mail. I'm definitely not super bubbly or extroverted, and it took me a while to find my voice, but I ended up doing much better by scheduling regular status meetings with my boss, where I made sure he knew how much I was doing by going over daily/weekly work deliverables with him. It didn't completely solve the problem, but it helped me get the raises that I wanted.
"Everything looks perfect from far away." - The Postal Service
Yeah, that is a good point. I hope you get the recognition you deserve.
You shouldn't have to...but can you see why others feel you have to? I've been working with a business mentor who has been telling me for a while a lot of my business issues come down to basically how I present myself. Like I shouldn't *have* to wear a bra and traditional business attire when approaching investors but in their heads it makes a world of difference in how I am perceived, you feel me? You shouldn't have to actively promote yourself within your company in order to be noticed and promoted, your work should speak for itself, but unfortunately you just may have to start doing that in order to get ahead. maybe it's ass-kissing, maybe it's selling out, but maybe it's worth it to do those things in order to get ahead? I don't know, I still haven't bought a bra, LOL. but I am starting to understand this point fo view, alien as it is to me.
somtimes you do a little ass kissing to get what you need as long as you are not compromising your values or morals a little smooch can go a long way.
Jessica
Life in the hood is all good for nobody.... Tupac A. Shakur
Early on in my career, I tended to work really hard, but I was never vocal about my contributions, or assertive in the ways that my bosses reacted to - like I didn't go into my boss' office and actively campaign for promotions, and present them with a bulleted spreadsheet of all the things I'd done that had saved or made the company money, etc. For this reason I was repeatedly left in the same position while men - and in some cases, really outspoken women - got promoted. In every case I felt that I worked just as hard, if not harder than these people, and was often better at certain aspects of a job (like diplomacy, my clients always loved me and these other people often had major drama).
For me, I had to leave the company, then work on how I presented myself when I got a fresh start at a new job. I think many, many employers don't respond to women or give us leadership opportunities unless we really get in their faces and sell our achievements. It has taken me many years to find a way in which to do this that doesn't clash with my natural tendency toward humility and just getting the job done.
Anyway, I think it's natural for you to feel some mixture of resentment and pride about this. Maybe if you can look at it as an opportunity to start a self-promotion campaign at the office, you can both get something positive out of it. Big hugs from me too, mama. It sucks that some employers still don't fucking get it, after all these years.
"Everything looks perfect from far away." - The Postal Service
I'm sorry. I'm sure that gender plays a HUGE role in this...and the fact that he is extroverted and social, unfortunately, is a big part of this. People "in the club" get promoted, noticed and acknowledged more. Just like attractive people get jobs easier, and taller men make more money (on average). I guess it's partly human nature...we're NOT computers looking at only the cold hard work-related facts. If you resent this, remember that maybe the same stuff that attracted YOU to him is what got him promoted. You know?? There may be some quiet, not-as-attractive guy somewhere in the building who may have actually been "more suitable and qualified" for the position of being your SO. But life ain't always fair.
I hope you find a way to work through the (well deserved) resentment at your higher-ups. But I also really hope you find a way to process this and let it go before you take it out on SO. It's not his fault and it's out of his contol. What could he do, go and and say "you know guys, ____ should have gotten this position." I don't think that would work, even if he did it. Theoretically, he could resign and they might put someone ELSE ahead of you, maybe??
Are there any reasons you're GLAD it's not you? More hours? Undesireable responsibilities?? Maybe you could focus on that stuff. Go outside and scream it out?? Punch a pillow?? I don't know. But try to leave it OUT of your relationship. If you feel the urge to fight with him about it, ask yourself "would I respond this way if we were NOT dating??"
There may be some quiet, not-as-attractive guy somewhere in the building who may have actually been "more suitable and qualified" for the position of being your SO. But life ain't always fair
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
don't hate the player. Hate the game.
and you have every right to ask what EXACTLY those "staffing issues" are. i have a hunch that the "issue" is that the "staff" in charge has a vagina.
as to your relationship, i feel that you can get around most of the self-spanking you're doing by just telling him exactly what you said here. you see yourself as equals, and yet he's getting way more opportinities tahn you and it's burning your butt. he can't grudge you that.
if the project was just starting and they were picking someone, then the more personable thing would make more sense to me. but now that its started and you were already doing it and doing a good job by all accounts, that leaves gender.
as to SO, that sucks. all i can say about that is men are infuriatingly fragile. don't go back on what you say, you're equals and you're getting unfair treatment. the fact that the male benefiting is your SO is not really relevant. it can get touchy, but think of it as if someone else at work was getting more opportunities, how would you react? because you shouldn't change how you respond to spare SO the discomfort.
q
it's probably many reasons but firstly gender related add to that that as you said you aren't over friendly and there you have it. I have found that women have to be extrememly aggressive and in a way loud. you have to MAKE them notice you. totally not fair but i have found this to be true many many times. You can always sit down with your boss and ask him. say" I feel that i am very good at my job and would like to know what it is I am not doing that is leading me to never get a position of leadership on a project. What is that I need to do? I really want to grow with this company etc etc etc." when you ask point blank they have no choice but to tell you what is up and why.
Jessica
Life in the hood is all good for nobody.... Tupac A. Shakur
because you were shafted. i am all too familiar with this scene. i don't think you're being petty at all. i work in a really male-dominated industry- its awful. i am 1000 times better than most in my field. i am in a very small company though andi used to work with my dh, too! after he left, the guy that iw orked with- he made more than me even though i did way more work. and we started about the same time. its hard to swallow. i don't have any advice though b/c i am in the same boat. and i've been 'suckin' it up' for almost 8 years now. i am stuck though and don't really have much of a choice. i'm sorry mama....
hugs.
and like jmoon said, 'don't hate the player, hate the game'. very good point.
"Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."
-The Scorpions
"Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."
-The Scorpions
I feel your pain in terms of being an intoverted woman and how this has a major adverse affect on career advancement. I don't know about you, but beyond being introverted I have a some social anxiety. People have told me SO many times, "You should speak up!" but it's not easy for me and I sometimes get the shaft as a result.
When you are outgoing and likeable people want to give you things. Not that introverts aren't likable but we're often mistaken for snobs. I can't tell you how many times I've seen someone list "shy people" as a pet peeve, and I always hear, "I hate shy people!" as if it's a choice...
And I am feeling very pissed for you. That is so embittering. I hate lack-of-promotion-woes. I dealt with that for years, and 'bitter' as you put it is exactly right.
My vote is that this was 75% gender bias and 25% personality bias. Like if you were over-the-top gregarious you might have gotten that promotion. Being a woman and being introverted are totally traits that play off eachother. For example, at my last workplace the boss thought I was there only 75% of the time I was actually there because I'm quiet. So I missed out on a promotion.
For what it's worth, I think introverts are way easier to work with. They think before making an ass of themselves and consider the company a lot more than the company ever deigns to consider them.
You should straight up ask what you can do to seem like leadership material. Maybe you could go to your boss and say something like: I've done x, y and z that show I'm leadership material. I've gone to a course outside work on improving leadership skills (do go to one, it will help) and read a book about leadership skills. I have what it takes to lead. You are missing out on what I can bring to the table. I could have avoided problems x,y and z by doing a, b, and c on the Whateveritwas Project. Please use me for the next leadership opportunity you encounter so that I may prove it to you.
And if that doesn't work, then that workplace sux and you'll know where you stand.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
I hope you know I'm going to support you in any way I can. {{{hugs}}} and I am going to do something...hang in there.
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Thanks. I decided to speak with a senior on our team before making it any kind of an issue with our boss. She was sort of at a loss. She said, "you do a great job, this isn't about that, I'm really not sure why the decision was made to take you off that project and put him on. Frankly it doesn't really make any sense. You're just as capable as he is." Even though she didn't have any answers, it at least made me feel better that it isn't about some thing that I've done or haven't done.