i shouldn't have said its been good

It does make me sick that he takes her word over yours. Something wrong with that, like he thinks you lie to his face about his daughter just to make her look bad. I am sending you vibes!

if he accuses you of lying to the point of deterring you from even talking about instances of discipline that need discussing, take him up on it. seems like you all could use some distance. if that's an option for you, do it.

I am incredibly sleep deprioved at the momemnt but my best suggestion is to record her. Get a mini tape recorder or whatever you can ahold of and tape her. Then re-listen to it (it may give you a new perspective) and then face DH with it. He cannot refute evidence like that. And if he does? Perhaps seperate houses are what is needed. In fact it might be what is needed anyway if he refuses to believve you (the adult) and refuses any kind of mediation. Putting his daughter first is a sure way to kill your relationship and it sends her the impression that what she says in a relationship is worthless. Perhaps you can approach DH with this viewpoint. Really, what message is he sending his daughter if he will not believe his own wife?

“Start at the beginning and move towards hope� - P. McKillip.

i would have a serious problem with someone calling me a liar. At any rate it sounds like dsd has a really difficult time adjusting to being a sibling, since most of the time she is an only child, while your children are always working on a sibling relationship, kwim? If SO refuses counseling, maybe you two and dsd could just sit down and have a loong talk about her feelings, instead of anyone's behavior. Ask her if she feels angry, jealous (don't know if she'll understand the concept), how dd makes her feel, how you make her feel, how ds makes her feel, etc... i know, it's sounds boring and tedious, but it may help you focus on the root of where her behaviour is coming from, instead of just coping and reacting to it all the time. just my 2 cents. i'm so sorry things got shitty, missamanda. hope my mix will cheer you up a little (it's on its way).
"If a woman who sleeps with other women is smashing patriarchy, then a woman who sleeps with whomever she wants is just plain anarchy."
-Unknown

We just had a therapy session yesterday in which we talked about blended families and how to make them work, and I spent a good bit of my workday afternoon yesterday reading about the issue. I don't know if you guys are past this point or not, but for what it's worth, here's some of the info/suggestions that I heard from our therapist and in the course of my reading yesterday:
-kids have a hard time accepting stepparents sometimes. The older they are, the harder it can be (until you hit the age of about 16--that's when, according to what I read, it *can* be easier).
-A lot of times when kids act out with stepparent or stepsibling, it's because they are anxious about their relationship with bio parent, or their place in this new family--basically, they aren't feeling the security/love that they need. Make sure bio parent makes it a *point* to spend quality one-on-one time with bio kid when possible.
-The stepparent should not try to discipline the step-kid until they've developed a real bond and comraderie with the kid (sort of along the "friend" or "camp counselor" type of thing). I realize this is easier said than done, but everything I read said that discipline should be left to the bio parent until there is a real love and bond between the stepparent/kid. Stepparent should spend their time trying to form that bond, being a comrad, being "on your team" about things. Stepparent *should* inform partner/bio parent about their kids' behavior, but in an informative tone/sense rather than a tattling sense.
-Take part in fun family activities and traditions to build the bond between everyone in the family, to make the blended family an enjoyable place to be.
-When children aren't around, create with your SO a list of 3-5 house rules (no hitting or kicking, etc.) that apply to *everyone* in the house, without exception. Have a family meeting (preferably in a light, stress-free setting when no one is getting in trouble) and spell out what the family rules are, noting what the consequences for each will be. Stick with these rules and consequences. (**As I was thinking about this suggestion, I thought that a good thing to add to the "rules" would be a fun, positive rule, like "We all hug each other at least once every day. Consequence for someone who doesn't give a hug is tickling!" or something like that, so that it isn't all "no" this or "no" that.)
-Stepparent/bioparent should create a unified front where discipline, consequences, and rules are concerned. Decide what goes on, what doesn't go on, and support each other. Try to apply fairness at all times.
-Try to avoid conflict in front of your kids.

Even though I know that stuff is hard, I thought a lot of those things were good suggestions. i can understand the conflict that you feel as a parent when you feel like your SO's kid is picking on your kid. It makes it hard to want to try to form that bond that would eventually bring love and respect between you. I guess what I try to do is think about it from their perspective--this is a kid whose parents split, who has been through a lot, who is too young to really know how to express their emotions in the right way, and who doesn't necessarily know how to express the anxiety that they feel about their relationship with their bio parent (is this the SO and the other kid going to replace me in my place in dad's heart?), about whether or not stepparent will really love them, about the difficulty of having parents who don't live together. It is a tough thing for a little kid. It's absolutely a tough thing for a mama, too, to try to figure out how to deal with her own feelings about her own kid getting picked on. I understand. But we are the grown-ups, and we have to be the grown-ups, and have compassion for these little kids who have gone through some tough stuff.

I am really sorry that your SO won't go to counseling. Another of the things that I read yesterday was the fact that, when their are kids involved and it's not just two childless people who have all the time in the world to spend together, it takes people a lot longer to get to know one another. It takes a lot more time to solidify your relationship and make it strong. I read in several different places that it takes 4-7 *years* for a blended family to really come together. On the one hand, that sounds like such a long time. On the other hand, for me at least, it was a bit of a comfort--these things that I'm experiencing are normal stressors in a blended family setting, and they *can* be worked out if we are willing to work them out. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I know you guys have been together a while but I think it just really takes a lot of time and effort to make a blended family work. That's what "they" say, anyway. I'm sorry that he suggested not living together. I hope that, if it's what you want, you guys can find a way to work it out. Love to you, mama.