Should I contact my strung-out, best friend?
My best friend of my entire life, that I haven't spoken to since 2001, is in bad shape.
She got married and had a son right out of high school. After 5 years of marriage, she filed for divorce in 2001 and started getting into some bad shit. She started going out and partying every night. She started doing cocaine and god knows what else.
I feel really guilty b/c I turned my back on her. Literally. After I confronted her about her behavior and she kept on, I cut all ties with her. I quit taking her calls and when I saw her in public I pretended like I didn't know her. Cruel, I know. But I had no idea what to do for her. I loved her son and felt like she was totally letting him go. She started leaving her son in the care of her mother and eventually lost custody of him to the father.
People that have seen her over the past years say that she looks really bad and strung out.
My SIL cane up here last weekend and said that she ran into my best friend's sister. The sister said that she's now sleeping on people's couches, doesn't have a home, has lost both of her children (Didn't know she had another one), and is basically wasting away into nothing.
I feel terrible. I know that she loves me as much as I love her. Every time she sees a member of my family, she asks about me and says how she needs to call me. But I think she knows that I will totally call her out on her shit.
So I got in touch with her sister and got a number where she might be able to be reached. I'm hesitant as to whether I want to call her or not. I would be devastated if something happened to her. I at least want to offer my help. Even if she doesn't take it. Right?
Most of my friends from HS are strung-out or in rehab. Some have overdosed and died. But this is my pal of all pals. She is my very best friend.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
~ Groucho Marx
That is so sad.
If it were me, I would reach out to her and say you feel so sorry for her, and you will be there for her when SHE IS READY to get her life together. You love her too much to be another couch for her to sleep on when she's strung out.
Sunflower the unflower
Sunflower the unflower
I would say that if you can contact her and be WITH her without expectation or judgement, then you should do so. If you contact her with the hope that you can 'reach' her and help her, I think you should not. I'm sure she's already got a million people who put their judgments on her. What she probably needs more than anything is someone who will love her unconditionally and listen to her without expectation: compassion. Which is not to say that you are condoning or accepting her self-destructive behavior, just that you are seeing the soul inside the struggling body, loving her spirit and letting her know the inner you.
I have a former friend I've been thinking about contacting for years. Our friendship ended very strangly and abruptly when he found a new set of (wealthier, biker, conservative) friends. His health is not good (diabetes) and I can't imagine that those friends were very true to him for long (what fun is a biker who can't ride because of illness?). I think about calling him but, as I imagine the conversation I can't imagine it without me eventually saying something snide about something, so I know I'm not ready to let go of the hurt. On the other hand, if he were to die without me making the effort, I would feel terrible. Maybe this is the inner work I need to deal with right now.
I didn't mean that you should not talk about her illness. I meant that you should only talk with her about her illness if you can do so without judging her by your standards (which come from your experience. Obviously, her experiences are very different from yours so she probably cannot even relate to your standards). I'm like you, I never liked drugs or being around people who were drunk or high so I have no real experience with addiction. I think, though, that taking people at face value and accepting them as they are is probably the only way to relate-no second guessing, no expectation of miracles. I would only get in touch with her if I could relate to her straighforwardly, honestly and compassionately.
I agree very strongly about all the advice you've gotten about being clear about your intentions and setting firm boundries.
I would call. I know most people beleive in the tough love and all for addicts but i think in the beginning they mostly need to know someone cares. she needs to know how much you think of her and how much you love her. at some point yes, you have to get tough with addicts or they will never get over their addiction but i think at first she needs to know she is loved. she probably hasn't even been sober for long enough to look at her life and realize what is going on. when you get sober for a few days or a week you wake up and your heart and your head begin to ache and it is so much eaiser to just get high again than deal with everything you've fucked up, kind of like being emotionally bankrupt.she needs to get sober long enough to feel that pain to miss her children and then she needs real support because that's when she'll go back. i would at least talk to her maybe if she see's what a nice life you have, and home, and your son it may help her realize her loss.plus you may be the ONE person she needs or that can reach her, your words and love may be just what she needs. that said keep your distance somewhat because if she is not to the point where she can get better it will hurt you to see her use you if that's what she does. i know this was long and rambling but i have a little experience here and I say her show her some love especially this time of year.what can it hurt?
Jessica
Life in the hood is all good for nobody.... Tupac A. Shakur
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
i hope it helps. your new quote is on a plaque outside my library.I've always liked it.
Jessica
Life in the hood is all good for nobody.... Tupac A. Shakur
If she lost her kids, her life must really be bad. Maybe contact some rehab shelters for women and talk with the staff? Maybe you could have a small package of outreach info to pass on to her (or drive her to?). She may not have hit "her" bottom. Yes, even having a couch to sleep on can be ok.
None of this is easy.
(I just love Des too! Wish she was closer to me)
*Appreciate those who sit around you, for all their faults and their wonders.
.
I say contact her. Let her know you care and that you want to help her in any way you can. Sometimes when people have hit rock bottom like this, just knowing that people care about them and love them can make all the difference. I've known people who are where your friend is in their lives and once they get to that point they feel like they've already fucked up, let everyone down, etc. and that everyone would just be better without them. So they continue on the downward spiral. Let her know how much you think of her every day and how much it hurts to see her like this. If she still won't change then at least you can have the peace of mind that you tried. I'm sorry I don't have better advice. Good luck.
Contact her but make sure you are clear with yourself about your boundaries before you do. Some things to consider:
What do you think she wants from you?
What do you think she needs from you?
Will she expect you to 'rescue' her?
Have you played rescuer in the past with her?
How willing are you to allow this friendship to affect your relationship? Your kids?
I have a brother who is an alchoholic. I still talk to him but I no longer allow his problem to be my problem. This means we aren't as close as we used to be but so be it. It beats allowing him to drag me into the craziness and turmoil that alcoholism brings and allowing his problem to affect me, my marriage, and my kids. You can only help addicts so much before you get sucked into their world, their outlook. Be there for her emotionally as much as you can but it is ok to set limits and boundaries to protect yourself and your family.
Of course she would never intentionally put her baggage on you. Just like she didn't intentionally put her baggage on her kids. But look what happened with her kids. Addicts rarely intend to hurt anybody or make their problem your problem, but that is what often happens.
Let me ask you this...what kind of help are you willing to offer? In your initial post you wrote you at least want to offer your help. What do you mean by this, exactly? I am not trying to harsh on you but if you are not clear with yourself from jump how you are willing to help her she will take what you offer and run with it. Not because she is a bad person, but because she is an addict. She is not thinking clearly when she is high, and when she is not high all she is thinking about is when she's going to get high next.
You may tell her: You can stop by anytime. Next thing you know she is breaking into your house when nobody's home, and she'll act all surprised and hurt when you get mad. She'll say but you told me I could come by!
You may tell her: I will drive you to rehab/outpatient treatment. Next thing you know she'll ask you to just detour a little to a friend's house so she can pick up her sweater, and you do because you are naive and actually believe this story. Only to realize that she has tricked you to driving her to a bar/crackhouse/shoot 'em up alley. She jumps out of the car before you can pull away.
You may tell her: I will let you come around my kids if that will help you feel homey and family-like. Next thing you know she'll show up high and drooling or covered in vomit screaming and scaring your children. Or you'll wake up one morning and find her passed out in your yard or on your porch or in your backyard, having broken or stoeln your kids bikes and/or pissed all over their backyard toys.
These are just 3 examples of things that happened with my brother. I have many, many, many more. This may not happen at all with your friend. I am fairly sure had I set clear boundaries with my brother from the get none of this would have happened with him, because he did not/does not act out with other family members and friends of his who set clear boundaries with him. But any family member who tries to 'help' him gets abused.
I appreciate your kind words about my brother. I just wish someone had told me, love him as your brother but understand he is an addict.
I hope your friend gets clean and gets her kids back someday.
not unless you know what you're going to say. i respect people who can maintain friendships with their drug addicted friends, but that's not for everyone. sounds like you knew what was right for you when you protected yourself. she really isn't your problem. you love her, but she's not for you to fix. if you really want to contact her, you may want to drop her a line to tell her you miss her and are mourning the loss of her. but i wouldn't suggest even opening that door without an explicit game plan and a willingness to stick to it, no matter how emotional it gets. you can also tell her that when she's clean to call you and you'll be glad to have her back, if that's how you feel. your friend as you know her is gone. but it's really important to maintain the boundary you set. you did a good thing by setting the boundary, don't blow it.
have you considered that you actually helped her a little by turning your back on her? i know a lot of addicts, and let me tell you they remember who turned their backs on them and why. they know the deal. they talk about getting clean because they miss this friend or that, and the friend often has no idea that they inspired the person to get clean.
protecting yourself is not cruel to anyone.
Since I find that I typically agree with Trula, my first piece of advice would be: read Trula's reply again.
I think you need to seriously revisit why you "wrote her off" in the first place. For some reason, it was the right thing to do then. I used the be the strung out one in my group of friends. Alcohol was my drug of choice, and I promise you I was a terrible pain in the ass. And, at one point, my best friend since the 7th grade wrote me off. And I hated her for a while, until I cleaned up and took it upon myself to mend the friendship. And now, it's like nothing ever happened. In a sober state, I can recognize that she needed to protect herself, have her own life. While using, I never would've been able to see that.
If you decide to contact your friend, you need to be very clear what your boundaries are. I would not recommend putting yourself on her list of couches to crash on. Your first priority is to yourself, your kids, and your family. You cannot predict her behavior if you let her into your house while she's using. That being said, if you're okay with it, you can certainly drive her to a shelter, hospital, police station if she needs it. I put my husband in the hospital a few times after bouts of drinking. He hated me for it then, but he's thanked me since...again, in a sober state. If you are going to let this person in your life again, you need to consider if "helping" means you're going to be able to call the cops or call the EMTs.
I like the idea of just being a model of a sober person. When she's straight, she can do things with you. If she comes to a point when she's ready to clean up, she's going to need you a hell of a lot more than she needs you now. If she cleans up, all the drug buddies (and most of the people who got a rush out of saving her when she was in crisis) are going to disappear. That's when she's going to need you as a friend. Perhaps you could offer her that.
...lord, to be thirty-three forever...
...lord, to be thirty-three forever...
I'm so sorry. This must be so painful.
" After I confronted her about her behavior and she kept on, I cut all ties with her. I quit taking her calls and when I saw her in public I pretended like I didn't know her." NOT cruel. This is exactly the very best thing you can do for an addict. It is the type of consequence that might help them get sober. If everyone in her life would do this, instead of help and enable her, she might get sober.
I have seen this in real-life action: The crack-heads who's moms can't stop helping them, letting them eat and sleep at mama's house, are the ones who never get clean. They are the ones who die. In fact, one of my old friends died right on mama's couch.
edited to add a PS: Maybe you could send her a card or letter, telling her how much you love and miss her, but reaffirming that you CANNOT be a part of her life as long as she is using.
heres my two cents: I used to have a really BAD drug problem. BAAAAD. $1600.00 a weeek I ended up spending on drugs, I didn't brush my teeth, when the blackout happened in the midwest a few years ago and there was no power, i just assumed that the electric company cut me off. I ended up couch surfing and prostituting and all kinds of fun stuff. BUT all these cute little cliches that people come up with are crap. "You have to hit rock bottom" and "You have to get sober for yourself" and all this shit that people with no education, no experience no idea what sobriety is and isn't why people get high and lose all their stuff they hear them on some talk show or from some NA book and repeat them like its etched in stone, that people are all the same and that their way is the only way. In my case when my so-called friends started dropping out of my life or were just two good to hang out with me and I became a running joke or a nodded head then all I did was just nosedive into drugs. I felt so bad that certain people weren't taking my calls, were making fun of me and talking shit about me, and in the grand scheme of things, it didn't effect their lives, me using. They were fine and their lives were not disrupted at all. They were just being judgemental and worried about their reputations, because it was socialy unexceptable to be doing coke and crack and pills and sleeping around and sleeping on the floor of a thousand dollar apartment with no furniture, but spending all of their free time smoking marijuana and playing video games or being 25 and living with their mama was exceptable. Nobody ever really wants to investigate the root of the drug problem. Was she sexually assaulted, abused? I am willing to bet their was some trauma, maybe something you don't know about because all anybody can concentrate now is on the drugs. Thats all they see. She lost her kids, do you have any idea how much that effects a woman's self esteem? I am suprised she hasn't killed herself...yet.
She has family but obviously they aren't doing too much for her. More than likely they contributed to why she is the way she is. I never stole from nobody, I never moved into people's houses and disrupted their lives, and yet half the people I knew just treated me like dirt, sometimes even taking their frustrations out on me because I was weak and they could. The other people, are so dear to me. So so dear. Because now I am soo sober and so boring and I needed those people at the time more than they will ever know. That unconditional love IS the reason I am one in some crazy statistic that sobered up, got my shit together and have my shit together so much that I support a family, I got leather furniture, King sized bed, sportscar, buying another car, I got money to do what ever I want, My kids are all spoiled, I live in a nice area and I have surpassed what these people have done with their lives and now people see me getting out of my car with my nice clothes off to go eat steak with my kids or shopping at trendy boutiques and they wanna holler at me, go fuck your selves. Because my friends that weren't down with me when I needed someone to just go to a movie with and let me work out my own issues, go on a walk in the dang park they don't need to be talking to me now, but those people that loved me through all that drama, i'd give my kidney for. And just to play devil's advocate if you loved her son so much, how come he's not a part of your life? How come you couldn't visist him? This girl doesn't sound like your best friend to me, I betcha shes hurting real bad and you know what makes hurt go away? Cocaine.
I am a big fan of if yoiur not part of the soloution, you're part of the problem
though i understand why some people have to back off the rest of what you said A FUCKIN MEN.right the fuck on dom Ho.
Jessica
Life in the hood is all good for nobody.... Tupac A. Shakur
well you can get mad all you want would you rather me tell you what you want to hear? Would you rather not see it from somebody elses opinion? I am the ten percent in everything, but one thing I do know is what being an addict is like, the isolation, how everybody "loves you so much" but just dumps you like garbage, how everybody "can't watch or enable" when nothing has been asked of them, how it feels to see verybody as fair weathered friends. People know when they are fucking up, trust me. Nobody wants to be a lonely, broke ass loser. And i am not brow beating you here. And I was saying i was playing devil's advocate, if anybody else knows what its like to be a strung out junkie and a dopefeign writing letters you'll never send to people that cut you out of their lives but feeling so small and already humiliated, maybe they can give you advice. I didn't know you were looking for certain answers certain opinions evidentky you are. But how can somebody be your best friend if you aren't on speaking terms? that makes no sense. This is usualy why I don't respond to these blogs because what people really are looking for is alreday in their minds, whatever happens ultimatly won't really effect you, but what you could do could start this monmumentous change in her life and maybe the lives of her children. You can never imagine the pain that this woman is in. Good luck, and loosen your girdle here, Ethel I'm on your side.
I went with what was wrote, my dear. I am not a psychic, I am not sitting in judgement of you as much as I am encouraging you examine what may be her opinion of things. If shes a complete piece of shit and an addict fine, screw her, but to me it reads as if you may have seperated because of her "lifestyle". If shes an asshole, then turned out be a junkie its a bit diffrent. My only hope for you is that you give the addiction the benefit of the doubt as if it were say leukemia or MS. I think it would make her overjoyed to be contacted by you, but if the chick is a complete sociopath then don't contact her because you feel sorry for her now, dig? I manage to piss off people on this site time and time again, I guess I have a way with words, but at the expense of bringing up something I am not proud of I felt so compelled to leave my opinion her seeing as I view this thread like maybe a black women would when white people are talking about racism, or people with no children discussing childrearing, not to say that my opinions are valid facts or amnount to anything, but I do know what its like to be a dopefeign who lost everything, including people that said we were best friends.
you don't have to justify protecting yourself. your caring for your friend came through. it's not your fault she's using now, and it's not your fault if she continues to use. she won't stop if you stick by her, addiction is too strong for that; it's not your job to bring her back.
someone else's story with addiction is just that: someone else's story. you can listen and maybe gain insight in to what it's like from the addict's perspective, but never forget that it's their life, not yours.
you are not a so-called friend, but a friend and that shows here. i know this pain and it's very, very real and very, very intense. i don't know what terrible thing she did, but just the ongoing self mutilation of a friend itself is torture. don't minimize that. no one else's hurt trumps yours.
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I agree that I shouldn't judge her. But I don't think I can not talk about it. Ahhhhhh, the elephant in the room. I really don't have experience with this type of addiction. This is why I have no friends. They are all on meth, and I don't dig drugs.
I must say I find television very educating. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
~ Groucho Marx