Let's talk about "stability."
What does that mean? It's something that I never really provided for myself, and in many ways, it's a thing that I resent. Of course, that all depends on how we define it. I deeply value mental stability. I value stability in my relationships when I let them start to matter to me. In fact, I don't really let people in, unless I feel like the relationship is stable. All I know is that everyone and their sister's brother's uncle agrees that kids need STABILITY. WHat is that? Does that mean that I can't pick up and put my kiddo in a car and take off on an indefinite road trip? Or does it jus tmean that I make sure my kid is fed regular meals, and that we know where the next one of those meals is coming from, and that we keep our important realtionships alive? Does it mean that my son needs to be secure in where his home is--aside from just "wherever mama's at?" I don't really have any cohesive thoughts on this, but I was wondering what you hipmamas had to say about defining stablity, and it's importance in little dudes' and ladies' lives. I understand that a life where we don't need to think too much about the basics is a life that give sus more space to teach our kids, but..I dunno. It's coming pretty naturally nowadays to take care of myself and my son, and because I'm into it, I LIKE to use every opportunity I can to help my son develop into the best person he can be. It feels good. It's a natural goal for me, one that I don't have to try to care about. So other than these things remaining stable, what is the value of stability, on it's own? And what IS that stuff?
ANd you're right--this was inspired by Velma's thread. I got to thinking about who I was when I got pregnant, who I have been since then, and what kind of life a person who is all of those things can give to the coolest kid ever.
How much of the lifestyle change that we do when we have kids is because of pressure from stereotypes, and how much of it is legitimately for the well-being of our kids?
I'm going to take a leap and agree yes, kids need stability. In my house that is routine and my kid feeling safe. I saw M just this weekend while camping ask twice at bedtime if she could "go home" now. She wanted her bed, her kitties, her house. She ASKED for them!
Does that include wunderlust every now and then..........absolutely! I love adventures with my kid, but in the end, she's happy to return home. Keepin' it simple right now. In the end, I want stability, but I did not have a lot of it growing up and envied those who did. May sound too old school, but it's where my head is at.
*Appreciate those who sit around you, for all their faults and their wonders.
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Doesn't sound old school to me. I didn't have alot of stability growing up, either, and I do make a real effort to provide it for my kids. I can see advantages to both sides; like jmoon posted I am also very good at situations alot of people I know are not, but I do want my children to know "home".
"Step off my big ass."
- Anthromom
So for the purpose of discussion I'm going to assume it means living in the same place and having a pattern to daily life.
I think it's unnecessary, but useful. It also depends what kind of child you have and what kind of family you are and what kind of values you want to inculcate.
Suppose you are a nomadic type person, you enjoy travel, you do good deeds in foreign lands, you/you and your partner can finance your adventure with medium to little strain, your child is on the laidback end of the spectrum and you want to inculcate the values of diversity and adventure, then why not?
I think you can best judge whether a lack of constancy is troubling your child by just observing your child and talking to your child.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
and there's consistency in unexpected places we forget about. Like every time we visit the mall we buy the same gumballs.
***the United States is one of only four out of 168 countries studied to not have some form of paid family leave for new moms. We join Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho in not having that policy in place. ***
Stability for me is more about the emotional than the physical. Not just my own emotional stability but also being able to provide it for my children. I think it is really hard to provide that “rock� for kids when you are not feeling that solid yer’self. And of-course stability in one’s own life is not always constant. That’s why parenting is easiest in a village. Or in today’s culture, when you have a good support group provided by a partner(
, friend(, and/or extended family.
A physical and spatial routine is also important to me but not quite as important. I kind of see too much routine as being akin to attachment to the material world. Yeah, it is understandable when children miss their favorite toy or get cranky when they don’t get to take a nap in their own bed but it is how we respond to them, how we nurture how they feel by understanding their need for comfort, and by showing them love even when they are cranky that provides the kind of stability that gives them security and strength to deal with life’s unexpected instabilities. Hell, I miss being home after a long time away - but I still have an overall feeling stability because of the relationships I have with those around me and because of how I feel about myself.
And let me tell you... feeling stable has been a long time in coming. I don't expect to not have crazy loopholes thrown at me from here on out (I am having baby #2 soon), but I do feel somewhat more equiped in dealing with difficult times.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
is always, always, under any circumstances, having enough toilet paper. Since I've had ds it has extended to making sure I always have diapers and stuff for him to eat in the house. Like not having to run to the store first thing in the morning because we are out of milk. I can power through flaky people that come and go, relationship troubles that rock the boat, sketchy late bills and erratic work situations. But take away my last roll of toilet paper and I will fall right to pieces.
"Everything looks perfect from far away." - The Postal Service
I like your definition.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. - Chinese Proverb
There have to be variations, and hopefully there is balance. Because kids need experience, adventure, stimuli, too.
I guess we do what we can.
My mom moved me around a ton. There was no other adult or child present in my life my whole life except for her. It caused me a lot of pain. But, I'm also really good in new situations, meeting new people, I'm comfortable doing things alone, I'm independent and strong that way. Some of my friends who grew up in one suburb forever......well, I just have a broader more creative life view than they do. And probably more mental health issues, but whatever.
Pretty much WHATEVER you do to your kids, will have some good points and some bad points. It will give them some good characteristics and some bad. Do your best, follow your heart, and also pay attention to your child's heart. Some kids would thrive on an indefinate road trip, while others would wilt.
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Yeah I know that my kiddo asks for his grandparents if we're out of town. I agree that a big part of feeling stable is that kids feel safe, and that stuff they feel like they need is available to them. And that IS important, for sure.