I miss being pregnant. DS is only 5 months old, but I already miss it. I feel that there was so much turmoil going on in my life that I didn't get to just enjoy being pregnant. I can't quite put my finger on what I miss about it- the excitement and anticipation, the kicks of the baby inside... all of that, but more than that too.
Now that DS is here I love him so much and I secretly wish that I could have another one- maybe a little girl. I know that would be beyond irresponsible for me so I'm not going to go and try to get pregnant again, but I wish that I could. I'm afraid that I will be alone forever and never have the opportunity to have another child- which makes me really sad.
Also, I'm still in love with BD. This is the big thing that I can't tell anyone in my real life. I know I shouldn't be in love with him. I know that while he is a good person at his core that he hasn't treated me well and has betrayed my trust countless times. I'm still sleeping with him even though he has a girlfriend, which goes against everything I ever thought I would never put up with, especially for a man. I can't even admit this last part (about sleeping with him) to my therapist- yes, I have issues, clearly! I want to stop, but can't. That sounds like a piss poor excuse, even to me... but there it is.
I just feel like all the things I want in life right now are the wrong things. At the same time I see my life going down this path that I don't want it to go but it's like a boulder rolling down a hill- I can't stop it. I want to do something meaningful in life- I want to teach or become a social worker, or my big BIG dream is to make documentaries. But that means giving up a joh where I make more money than I would in those jobs. Not that money is all that matters to me, but I have considerable debt to pay down and I need to feed and clothe my kid... aargh!
Sorry, all of this has been weighing on me and I needed to vent.