Fatty, Fatty Two By Four (Drug-induced entry)

Body love is such a hard thing... I wish I had some really awesome advice but I don't. I do find that keeping active helps me because it helps me to see that my body is still capable even if it is not ideal.

It's a gift to be simple. It's a gift to be free." Shaker hymn.

I feel really sorry for you and your struggle in every single aspect that you can think of. I feel bad for your lack of will power, I feel bad for your undeserved feelings of unattractiveness, I feel bad that in our society that we pat woman with diffrent genetics or more luxury to diet and excercise higher than the women that can "get over " the fact that they are a size 12+. I, too struggle with my feelings over my body, and when I feel fat or have a breakout, I am in a shit mood for the rest of the day. Yes, I admit to all kinds of brutal, discriminating, illogical behaviors and attitudes about myself and have found myself just exacerbating the probelm and contributing to my own viscious circle. The one that I am most famous for is gorging on bad food, in turn feeling so low and repulsed with myself and my lack of control that I punish myself the next day by eating just as much if not more so that I can really feel bad and fret what it will do to my body. Therefore, I find myself shoveling food in my mouth I am not even enjoying, just for punishment. Bullshit, isn't it? I know how you feel about being around thin, beautiful women. Sometimes instead of just enjoying the pleasant conversation and the moment, enjoying their company- I find myself shrinking in on myself and feeling so isolated and filled with self hate that I can barely stand the sight of anyone and find myself fantasizing about my future in my new skinny body. Pre-occupation with mu body has caused me so much grief and has kept me aloof from my own children at times, caught up in mental warfare and depression over what is seemingly just twenty or so pounds. I think unfortunatly,*most* women feel this way. I have some advice for you however. I finaly after twenty years have stopped the bing eating, which has always left me feeling as creepy and guilty afterwards as if I snuck off to some peep show or something. I stopped dieting about three months agao and lost ten pounds. How the hell did that happen when I was eating Ben and Jerrys three times a week and pizza a comple times? Dr. Phil says that people that don't diet are actualy thinner and gain less weight than those that binge and yo-yo diet. How that's possible according to him is overall, by not binging overtime I am consuming less calories. I am also keeping my metabolism level. I never would have believed that ever, but in my case it turned out to be true. Only when I stopped dieting, did I lose ten pounds, I'd give it a try, after all you're not losing the weight dieting, right? Another thing is, I tan. And I swear to you, girl people think I lost another ten pounds! And not just some, I mean EVERYBODY!! Everybody I know, a week later was commenting about how great I look, from family to people that practicaly only know me in passing. And yes, tanning may be un-healthy, but in my opinion the key to health is happiness. I have never had a tan in my life, and I am the palest person ever, but I go Mystic and high pressuer everyday and I am telling you it is well worth it. Plus it makes me feel good about myself. And, if you are already dark, go anyway. I have a co-worker who is black with a really deep skin tone and goes tanning just to look thinner. Tanning really helped me feel good about myself. Lastly, I had this thought the other day : When you are at the end of your life, when you are an old, old woman, you will look back at pictures of yourself young , vitale, vibrant and strong and you will pity yourself at beating yourself up hating your body that in retrospect was beautiful, I guarantee it.
I also think that if we buy into all the bullshit about our appearances, and get into a siz six in unrealistic counting every calorie, working out every single day ways in a fashion that is unpleasant to ourselves, we are only making the problem WORSE for other women and aiding to the cycle of self hate and putting thiness before anything else, and then...we are just as bad as men or worse!

No frakin' way. The average time is 8-12 months. I gained 24 lbs while I was pregnant, and had an almost 10 lb baby. I thought, sweet...no problem, right? Frak that. 3 months after ds was born, I started gaining weight. I was breastfeeding, I was eating less calories than the midwife suggested, but I was gaining weight regardless. I had quit exercising out of depression and frustration. I spent lots of time sitting and nursing and of course, sitting in front of the computer, which I still do. I decided to start an excercise routine, but I couldn't get to yoga classes consistently, and I couldn't get to the gym consistently, as there was always something up with ds, and I would plan to go right before I wanted to go, meaning that it never worked out well.
So, we have a really great community college here. I signed up for a 10 week yoga class (90 bucks) and a 10 week weight training/cardio class for women (70 bucks), which gave me access to the gym all the time. I rode my bike to the classes, which were 3x's and 2x's a week. I started feeling better immediately, but I didn't start losing weight. And worse, I gained some weight. 5 lbs. I talked to my instructor after 4 weeks, and she explained to me that it takes 6 weeks for your body to build up new blood vessels and nerves to feed the new muscles you're going to grow. So, at 6 weeks, I was ready for it to happen.
During this time, the yoga class is making me so much more flexible and strong. I felt so good. At about the 6.5 week mark, I started losing weight. I lost 12 lbs in a month. And I frakin' deserved to, because I was patient and kind to myself. After the weight class, I did 2 months of meat fasting and lost another 5 lbs, while keeping up with the regular yoga.
It's hard. I've been going through a lot of shit, and a lot of my friends shit lately. I haven't made it to class as often as I need to. I force myself to ride my bike everywhere and that helps.
You can do it. Health is true beauty. Figure out what you need to do to feel healthy, and start on that path. That is how to find your own beauty.
"I am not dead yet! I can still call forth a piece of soul and set it down in color, fixed forever." Keri Hulme