happy childhoods???
please someone post about a happy childhood b/c mine was kind of sucky and a lot of my friends' were pretty sucky too and i am worried that i have no chance at giving my kids a great life to look back on. it seems very much like we're crafting a happy life right now, but then i worry...does it all just go to shit at some point? i would be so edified by some stories of people who adored their child/teenhoods (especially that part) and who look back fondly on that part of their lives. and what was done right to make that happen.
Thanks mamas.
I can't honestly say that my teen years were all bubbles and roses but my childhood was hugely rewarding. I lived in a neighborhood in a rural area and we never had to worry about safety, etc. We knew at dark we needed to be in the house to eat dinner but even after dark we were allowed outside to play flashlight tag or a huge baseball game. I had three best friends that lived in my neighborhood and will always be grateful to my parents for giving me that kind of childhood.
My life changed later but I will always be thankful for the memories I have of my childhood. Now that I am an adult my Mom has been honest with me about how much she HATED the town we lived in and how miserable she was but she saw the opportunity to give me a great childhood and stayed there for my sake. Her sacrifice gave me a great childhood and for that I am thankful.
You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Well I can't say my childhood was particularly happy overall though my young childhood was awesome. My adolecence on the other hand....woooo. Let us focus on my early childhood though. We lived in a city but had several wooded acres behind our house that I was allowed to play in, it was pretty safe overall and were were essentially isolated even in town. My mom interacted with me a lot and though we were poor I never really saw that because she did stuff like plant a garden with me, live in a house that was off the beaten path, read to me, gave me freedom to be creative, and put us in a place that was surrounded by woods, etc. I think the happiest parts of my childhood centered around family and friends and of course my mother and doing things with her. I also look back on the ages 3-7 with love as we were in the same house for those years and relatively stable.
Then everything went to shit. My mom got hurt on the job, lost everything , moved us 300 miles away from everything I ever knew, adopted a religion that was yotally dogmatic and fundie, had a nervous breakdown and esentially destroyed my life. As an adult I understand her motivations and I do not blame her so much for the things that happened during that time but I truly think she should have A) given me to my dad or grandmother or B) put me in Foster care at that point(it was that bad) as that time in my life set me up for abuse then and later. She was so fragile she could no longer protect me and that's not OK for a 7 year old's only provider. Worse she relied on ME for her support (physical and mental) and that is even worse.
I have the same fears as you, especially considering I didn't have much of a role model for mother hood after the age of seven. But I really think that as long as there is stability, love, attention and protection a child will do OK. The point is to let your kids know they are safe and loved. When that is not there things get shitty.
It is my opinion that we cannot protect our children from pain and suffering and we should not waste our energy trying, instead we should focus our energy on helping them develop the skills to cope with it when it comes and giving them the assurance that they are not alone when everything sucks.
“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.� “If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything.�
I once heard that being a mother iws a lesson in letting go. I know there will be a large gap between Deedee and I in her teen and adult years, she will be living in a completely different world from the one I grew up in. We will never be able to really connect on the same level I can connect with my friends and she will connect with hers but I don't think a deep schism is unavoidable. I think we as mothers just have realize that there will be parts of our children's lives we will not be able to visit. I think the fact that you are even asking this question shows you have a head start on providing for your children a safe and positive environment to grow in and that will do much to allow them to come to you when they are older.
“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.� “If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything.�
musical rendition of Khalil Gibran's poem about this: "Your Children Are Not YOur Children..."
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
It's funny. At times I have remembered parts of my childhood as idyllic. When I was five years old we lived in this big white old farm house in the country. My brother and sister and I used to play in the old smokehouse and chicken coop and storage sheds and take walks down the winding road behind it, making "soup" out of clover and water and rocks and whatever else we could find. I remember opening the huge trunk in our den and pulling out the many old clothes that I used as dress-up clothes, pretending to be someone else. I remember in 2nd grade we moved into town and I used to ride my bike for hours. Played in the yard. Walked to school. Etc. Etc.
As I've gotten older and spoken to my brother and sister about it I've been reminded, however, that that idyllic farmhouse we lived in didn't have any heat or insulation (woodstove, that's it), and in the winter the pipes froze and we all had to sleep on cots in the living room. That was the same year that we were so poor that my parents couldn't buy a christmas tree and we decorated my mom's rubber plant with ornaments instead. I've also been reminded that my mother never played with us and was always depressed, often crying for little reason at all and many times shutting herself in her room for hours on end.
There are also other very painful and difficult things that happened in my childhood as well as other really nice things, but my point is that it's all a matter of perspective, really. When we're children we often don't have a very good understanding of what is happening to us or around us, and it's only when we're older that we start to piece things together. No childhood is perfect, no life is perfect. I definitely feel you on really wanting to create a happy childhood for your children. I guess maybe we do our best in that area but also try to teach our kids to be open to growth and to learn from their experiences and hope that that helps to color their view of things?
My Mom is amazing and our childhood rocked. I have three little brothers. We were grubby and dirty. We were always outside and the stuck up neighbors would call to let my Mom know one of us was naked. One time one of my brothers pooped on the sidewalk when a babysitter was there. We called her the poo-poo babysitter from then on. We had a fabulous childhood and I often long to be the sheltered under 8 that I was. After 8 I started to realize there were *gasp* bad people in the world and that everything was not perfect. But our family life was great (of coarse Mom and Dad still had their ups and downs) and we were happy. I miss my brothers all running to the front door to watch the trash truck every tuesday. I miss the forts we would build all over the house. I miss all the silly games we would play. I was always in charge... we had one game where I was the college student with the apartment and one brother was a cat (Sleepy) and the other two were my dogs (Tuscon and Pluto). I would take them to vet etc. From time to time my 23 yr old brother will still come crawling into my room meowing and curl up in my bed. My mom took us to pools, parks, natural science center, etc. She had this huge paper she would spread out over our kitchen table and we would all paint. There was always a snack waiting on us when we got home from school.
I love her and I love my family.
I hope I can create the same happiness for my kids.
"Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body." ~Anonymous
I would say that my childhood rates an 8 out of 10 on the Happiness scale. My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs, but it wasn't a huge deal. My dad is amazing and was always around. We moved in with him permanently when I was 12 yrs. And although my mother was a little crazy (I've mentioned her before), I didn't know it at the time and she was a lot of fun. The best thing my parents did for me was that they were very generous with their affection and expressed their love for us often. I cannot think of anything that has had a more positive affect on my life than my ability to express verbally and physically my love for others in my life. Even when things went wrong as a child or my parents pissed me off, I knew that they loved me unconditionally and only wanted the best for me.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
~ Groucho Marx
but I'm so glad you posted this...finding models is impt!
I had a great childhood. I am trying so hard to replicate it. I spent my days at the park, in the woods, playing in creeks. I loved it and I still wish I was eight most days. My parents let me try everything and really seems to love being around me.
Teenage years were not so great though - sorry 
Boomer is so 2005.
I'm glad you posted this because it really spurred some thinking about my own childhood. Although, I don't believe anyone's childhood is idyllic, I am extremely grateful that mine was stable and generally happy. I wasn't abused and my parents weren't dealing with mental illness or homelessness or the million other things that can happen to children and families. I didn't grow up near beautiful woods or anything but in a fairly average lower middle class neighborhood. While we weren't rich by any means, we always the things we needed. I remember there were lots of family visits and lots of laughter. But, this is not to say that I don't remember some bad, conflictual, or sad times as well. But, your post made me realize that my childhood wasn't happy because it was perfect and I was completely sheltered from all bad things. My childhood was happy because my parents gave me some tools to cope when things weren't perfect. And they gave me a feeling of security that they would always be there for me (even when I rejected them). So, I think that gives hope to all of us mamas who worry want to protect our children from everything but know that we can't. I only hope I can do the same for my little ones.
The things that I think shaped who I am and give me warm feelings to this day include:
My parents were active volunteers, mostly as I got a little older (I was one of five kids and my mom had her hands plenty full in the early days), taught me about the value of connecting to the larger community and caring for others.
My parents made an effort to help us develop relationships with our extended family--uncles, aunts, cousins. I grew up feeling like I had a whole tribe spread all over the country that would have my back if something ever went awry, made up of really fun people. I know lots of people who don't know their cousins any better than they know their postal carrier and it boggles my mind.
We spent time having fun and being kids. Even in the early days, my parents took time every summer and rented a cabin and we swam and fished and caught frogs. When we packed for this trip, the packing included three suitcases full of library books; a case of "Ting" sugary and off-limits other times of year soda; a case of ripe peaches; and bags of cinamon candy and Marathon bars (also forbidden other times of the year). We hiked in the woods and made centerpieces out of pie plates, sand, twigs, and tinfoil. We stayed up late at the campfire. When it rained we stomped around the cabin and yelled (another thing we didn't do much at home).
We were encouraged to play musical instruments, play sports, or pursue other interests. Even though lots of the hobbies my mom wanted me to love never stuck, it was a good experience.
We were only spanked with an open hand, and that was rare--no other physical punishment, no yelling, no name-calling. Some passive aggressive shit but nobody's perfect.
As I got older, my teen years were painful, but my parents stayed in the game and tried really hard and TALKED to me and listened to me. They fucked up alot, and so did I, but we made it through because we had honesty and I knew that I was loved even when I am certain I was not liked.
i love everything you wrote. you put it so eloquently. i feel those same things about my nutty family. i think high school sucks for most people. its the parents standing by you that really helps. you just might not realize it until later. I love this "I knew that I was loved even when I am certain I was not liked."
"Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body." ~Anonymous
in fact, had I been able at the time, I'd have thrown my parents off a bridge.
My sibs didn't have the level of honesty I had with my parents, I don't know why. I think they were scared to. So some of it is on the kid. That said, i was the youngest, so maybe it really was that they had 4 others to practice on before they got to me. Either way, the honesty was sometimes very, very painful, but it is the single best thing about my relationship with them to this day..and I like to think it is a big part of who I am in all my relationships as a result.
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good points. i am not really trying to shield them from any hurt or upset, any conflict...that is life and they surely need to learn how to negotiate. it's more the deep schism that i fear. the lack of connection in to their adult lives...