Self-destruction and parenthood
So on a recent and rare afternoon on the couch, off work sick and childless for the afternoon, I took part in one of those guilty pleasures in which I get to indulge maybe three times a year: watching Oprah. The Oprah part aside, I thought the topic was relatively interesting. Talking to women who engage in various self-destructive behaviors--eating disorders, alcoholism, driving under the influece, etc. The therapist on the show made a comment that struck me as very interesting: "When we become parents, we lose our right to engage in self-destructive behaviors." She mentioned this in relation to all of the things mentioned above, as well as smoking and other various and sundry expressions of self-hatred and loathing.
What do you think? I think it can be easy to make excuses and react defensively to this kind of statement--we are all human after all, people with our own issues. Yes, I've definitely engaged in certain self-destructive behaviors since becoming a parent so I get that (am actually trying to quit smoking right now). But on the other hand, I think there is a bit of merit to it, a certain level of a call to work harder to strive for better things.
Anyway. Anyone care to discuss?
it's something that ariel wrote in the hm survival guide. except she added after "you lose your right to be self destuctive" - it's adolescent. get over it.
gotta love ariel for being blunt. that said, i am profoundly impacted by the way that being pregnant and raising a daughter has given me insight into my self destructive behaviors. i still have to work on it all the time - b/c i see myself falling back into it. and as a co-parent, i have these "nights off" that give me the opportunity to fall back into old behaviors for a night, if i want to (and only sort of, it kind of sucks checking the cell phone knowing you are too drunk to do anything if your kid is in the hospital with an emergency).
and on the other side of just the drinking or smoking or whatever - the bigger part for me is the self-depricating behaviors. i really see know how my low self image could have a big impact on my girl, and i know that i have to work on those behaviors in order to make sure she is as strong and proud of herself as she possibly can be.
and yay for you on quitting smoking! i did it just 2 months ago! you can too! 
"we seek not rest but transformation. We are dancing through each other as doorways." ~ Marge Piercy
after being a devoted smoker, and some things that helped me included:
1. Telling myself that I am a nonsmoker. sounds wierd, but somehow, consciously identifying myself this way rather than identifying myself as "quitting" made a big difference. Relapse was so much less of an option.
2. Another cliche--one day at a time.
3. The thought of having to quit again if I started. This is the only thing that saved me sometimes. Really.
4. Avoiding smoking triggers--like, talking on the phone, etc. I tried to change up my routine as much as I could so that my habits could be broken.
Research says that 21 days is a common threshhold for establishing a new habit. May be coincidence, but I read once that this is the same length of time that amputees feel phantom pain.
Good luck, hang in there, you can do it!
i should take it, huh. i feel like i am in a downward spiral w/ smoking! i am not at all smoking like i used to before i got pg, but even 1 or 2 a day....uugghhh....makes me feel bad. the thing is, i know i can do it, b/c i have done it before. its just hard to want to.
"Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."
-The Scorpions
"Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."
-The Scorpions
I am totally different now that I have kids. I used to do a lot of risky things. (the highest bunjee jump in the world?! what was I thinking)
I have become a total weanie. It is because I am scared of dying and leaving my girls without a mother. I still drink but never drive after drinking. But I would say excess alcohol is still something i could improve on especially with the ties to breast cancer. I should also eat better and exercise. but overall, my risk-taking, self-destructive behaviors have vanished and been replaced by an overwheliming need to be around as my daughters grow.
Boomer is so 2005.
no bungee jumping or motorcycles...thank maude I've always been a weenie:) but...I don't get plastered and pick fights anymore. I don't skateboard drunk in san francisco in the middle of the night. I don't sleep on the beach knowing there are bums and scary guys roaming. I don't go home w. strangers...all of my self-destructive behavior pre-dd was just that: adolescent...'cause I was what? 21 years old when I got pregnant. I still do some stupid shit. I should quit smoking...i should eat better, etc. but I am soooo much more mellow than I used to be.
I don't think it's so much that we "lose our right to be self-destructive" that's not how I would see it. When we become parents it is not just self-destructive...you have the potential to destruct your children's lives as well. my parents were the king and queen of self destructive behavior. my dad actually died of a drug overdose. That was not just detrimental to him...it wasn't just the ultimate self destruct on his part. it destroyed our whole family. my little brother will never know his dad, my little sister was only 6 when she found his body, etc. It's not, to me, about "self" destruction anymore. you take the responsibility for these new people and when you destruct they can't help but fall down with you
"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in our hair." ~ David Sedaris
"If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in our hair." ~ David Sedaris
but more from the perspective of what can I do to create what I feel is a healthy environment for my kid. In my case, it consists of not smoking weed (not that I never would again, just not in front of him, and not while he's awake and I need to be paying attention - I tend to space out into another universe when I'm stoned).
The other big thing that I did was try to limit my interaction with the soul-suckers in my old circle of friends. I have this rescue mission aspect to my personality sometimes where I like to help people in need, but don't realize years later that the need - bail out cycle has been one-sided, and I've ended up totally drained and exasperated, with unpaid phone bills and loans, etc. Having a kid has been a great wake-up call for me that it's time to allocate more of that energy to my family, my son, and the friends who give back.
"Everything looks perfect from far away." - The Postal Service
but its such a strong statement - so black and white. 'self-destructive behaviors'. hmmmm... its just too broad. i don't see anything wrong with the occassional drink or 2, the occassional cig or 2 (if you can do that- i know for a lot of people its hard to have one or two drinks or one or two smokes). so if that is considered self-destructive behavior (and i think it may be), then that is a stifling statement. i guess i engage in that type of behavior. does that make me a bad parent? no. i don't think so.
i think its way more important to look at ALL of the aspects of your parenting, rather than just the shit things that you do once in a while.
also, i think it would be interesting to discuss this topic in terms of fathers. if it applies, how many of your partners quit smoking when you became pg? how many quit drinking or drugging? i know there are way more self destructive behaviors than those. but they are pretty prevalent examples.
"Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."
-The Scorpions
but I guess a lot depends on one's definition of "self-distuctive."
If a self-destructive behavior is defined as smoking or bungee-jumping or drinking too much doesn't that seem, well, kind of useless and narrow?
I mean, I'm always struck by what people think the worst sins they personally commit are - they almost always have something to do with sex. Sometimes they name bad habits. But I think God is so much bigger than that.
Sin as self-distructive behavior I would define differently. Hording money, wasting time, withdrawing from opportunities for love and life. These too me are much more sinful, much more destructive, ultimately, for us and for our children.
Could drug use or eating too much or whatever fall in the above catagory, sure, but I want to make the point that people are way more likely to see their smoking habit, say, as self-destructive than their TV habit, you know?
And in a completely different vein, what might society define as self-destructive that religion might define as healthy? Isn't Buddhism's goal the ultimate denial of self? Does not Christianity encourage selflessness as an ideal? Where does this fit in?
And, of course, there is that aspect of child rearing itself that is self destructive. We loose our autonomy, gain weight, see less of friends, set aside goals, etc. What about that?
Can you tell I'm stalling on my sermon?
Back to work!
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