Ranty. I do apologize.
But I have to tell you, that when I have to rethink basic, factual statements about my life in order to sound them out in a way that's different from what is natural, in order to make them less... alarming? more acceptable? for general public consumption, I think that generally means that there's something wrong. I am having a hard time lately, but I'm beginning to think that the thing that is wrong with this picture is maybe not all me? Why is it that I feel so normal, but every time I open my mouth to be honest, someone looks at me apologetically? "oh..." akward silence. I dunno. maybe it IS just me, maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with my life and who I am... but I have trouble accepting this, as I'm sure anyone would. I guess there's no purpose to this blog, just my insomnia rant du jour; thanks for listening guys. I know I sound a little off the hook right now, but I'm wondering: how is it possible to feel so okay and yet feel like all evidence that i present to the public suggests that I'm nuts? I mean, I know my faults and feel them every day, along with others that are still awaiting formal introductions, but I think that ... Okay, what I'm trying to say here, in the vaguest possible way, sorry, is that I think that there are a lot of life experiences that people are just not willing to admit could happen to them. Thus, when faced with a normal person who has been a needle addict, whose last bf (now bd) was arrested in a tree with a sword, etc, and still dared to reproduce, people get anxious. Even liberal, accepting people. I don't know, I just feel like an okay person who has to do a lot of covering up to make people believe that I am, indeed, an okay person. Okay now this is out there in cyberspace, and I will have to change my identity to escape the confused pissyness behind this blog. I used to have a romance with sentence structure. Sorry that relationship is on hiatus and you (maybe) had a confusing time reading this. But if you did, thanks for listening.
We're all fucked up in some way or another. Some people just like to pretend that they're not! It just sounded like you we're saying that you feel that other people look at you that way. And if they do, just know that they're hiding some kind of fucked upness themselves!
Sorry things seem so hard right now. I wish I had some really good advice for you, but I don't. Just wanted to let you know that I will listen.
Judgemental people suck. Period. I'm sorry that they are making you feel less than normal, less than comfortable and happy.
why is it that people seem to think that it is ok to make someone feel like they need to feel "other" and "seperate" as if they may be "catching" when really what they need is to feel included and loved and like they can be enveloped and loved and loved and nutured because they are hurting and VULNERABLE. not other but a part of and very much a human very much like every one ELSE at some time or other in their life. I am sending you love because I have been there and I would hold you in my arms and shhh shh tell you baby every thing is gonna be all right.
"I don’t have to keep up some great pretention I’m the most dignified, eloquent, elegant, perfect, smart-thinking, kind, generous person. I’m just a plain old human with a whole bunch of flaws.”-- Lily Tomlin
are you opening up too soon? do you have to hide who you are even with friends?
as to people's reactions. well, it's hard to say. my personal theory is that when a person reacts like this to someone, they're afraid of something they see in you. probably a bit of themselves. a bit of their own past that they thought they escaped... another thing i learned is that just about everyone has addicts and nutcases in their families. some feel like it's huge and scary, others are just made sad by it, and others can just accept it. but our society builds all these judgments around these things, as well as around motherhood and what it means to be a responsible member of society. hence peole hiding their own pasts and judging you for not doing the same. judgments block your connections with people. it's their problem.
"All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." --Mark Twain
"You know, i could write a book. And this book would be thick enough, to stun an ox." -- Laurie Anderson
It sux being socially akward. It takes me a great deal of effort to contain it sometimes. Do you have someone close to you that you can model your behaviour after? Like a sister or cousin or other family member who is usually socially at ease? I model my behavior on my daughter often. When I feel confused as to how to act or what to say I think to myself, what would i-bop do.
I have also learned not to talk too much when I am around new people, to take my cues from them. If they are not talking much, I don't either. oh yah! I read this book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, and he said the best way to get people to like you is to ask them questions about themselves, get them to open up. Then they feel comfortable with you. If you just bust out all strange without that comfort level being established, then they think you are just a crazy freak who is potentially dangerous or something.
to not spill the beans about myself too soon. in my own brand of shyness, i am too shy to ask people about themselves. i try to build the comfort level by sharing. it doesn't build a comfort level, it puts people off, but i still do it.
my point is, it's hard for me. i have to constantly remind myself. i think trula's idea is good. i do have a person who i think of in social situations, who always seems to know the right stuff to say and is always relaxed. "All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." --Mark Twain
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith
I only make people laugh when I'm angry... when Im happy people thinkI'm annoying. heh.