Do I need to pick a race for my son?
So I never know what to put for my son's race when there's no "other" box. He His dad's nigerian, w/ a white mom and a black dad. I'm white. My son's got blond hair and tan like he's a surfer boy skin, and brown eyes. He looks white, but that's not the whole story, so I feel bad passing him as white, period. I dunno... I wouldn't be thinking about this so much except I just went to the park w/ my boy and a male friend of mine, who happens to be black- he's an islander. I mentioned plans to move to finland, where I'm from, and he was concerned. "Do they have black people in Finland?" Yes, they do, but it's true that until recently it was somewhat unusual to meet black people who are native to Finland. My friend is really worried about my son passing for white all of his life, and never having black male role models, since my kid's dad is out of the picture, and my son is growing up w/ only my white relatives for family, and my friends who are around all the time, who are not a particularly homogenous or heterogeneous group in any way. People are people, and while I want my son to respect all kinds of folks and feel comfortable around, and accepted by, all kinds of people, I just don't think that it's going to give him a complex to grow up in a country that happens to not be quite as diverse as the U.S. of A. I want my son to find role models in all kinds of people, but I don't nec. feel pressured to find a black guy to hang out w/ all the time? I just wanted to know what you guys thought about this: Does a boy who has a black daddy, but is growing up in a white family, need a black guy to depend on? Does it matter? I dunno, my BD had big issues b/c he grew up w/o his black dad, and grew up w/ white siblings and a white mom, but I dunno. He's mostly imbalanced anyway, so I don't know how much of that is his own drama. Also: do you think it makes a difference that my son looks white? I don't know, I don't know. Let me know what you think, I was not inclined to think that it's a big deal, and now my friend has me feeling like I'm not in tune w/ my son's needs b/c I'm blinded by white priviledge. Sorry this is long. If you've read this far, any thought aside from mine would be nice to hear.
but while reading your post a thought struck me that I thought was worth sharing...
I too am white & was raised that "people are people" - but everywhere in our culture I saw reflected people who looked like me. If I saw negative images of white women portrayed I had them balanced with positive images of white women. I think that your friend's concern is valid in that your son knows himself to be a black man & may not always see himself portrayed or represented on tv, etc, in a positive, strong light. A real-life role model to help him counter the misrepresentations & to help explain those prejudiced images would, imho, be a positive thing in your son's life. Sorry if this isn't well-written, it's dinnertime here & I'm being distracted by counting sugars for DS! Hope my point comes across.
"I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman my country is the whole world." - Virginia Woolf
"I have no country. As a woman, I want no country. As a woman my country is the whole world." - Virginia Woolf
"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." - Rose F. Kennedy
i know i'm not alone as a mixed person whose racial identity has shifted over time. there has been a lot of pain and difficulty in that for me, but it's also been extremely important to my overall sense of self. providing positive contexts and the tools for thinking critically about race can really make a difference - at least i'm really hoping, as a mama of a mixed child, that it can - in the extent of pain and difficulty, though. the main thing is to keep the child's best interests foremost.
for example, based on my own experience and that of others i know/have read, i'm expecting my daughter to identify monolithically as black for at least some part of her life. that will be painful and negating for me, but it may well be a very necessary part of her identity development, and i don't want to get in the way of that.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu
dragon knows dragon
for example, based on my own experience and that of others i know/have read, i'm expecting my daughter to identify monolithically as black for at least some part of her life. that will be painful and negating for me, but it may well be a very necessary part of her identity development, and i don't want to get in the way of that
You always say the true stuff girl. I was pushed as a child by white mother to identify as black(hey it was the 70's) ..and wish she had allowed me a little more freedom to identify with all parts of myself. I am certain at some point at least one of my children will identify as white for some period of time, (especially if we don't get the hell out of the burbs soon) and I am bracing myself for it. It hurts just thinking about it. I know you're right though, can't get it in the way of there development.
"But is it my manner that keeps her from hearing, or the threat of a message that her life may change?"
-Audre Lorde
after my own struggle to come to terms with a mixed identity, i wish i could just convey it to my daughter. you know, like "hey, i already did that, so you can skip the bulk of the pain of it and just embrace the complexity." i know that's not how it works, though. here's hoping all our kids find their way to an identity that works for them without too much heartache. oh! and here's hoping you escape the burbs soon!
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
and neither does he. as a person of mixed heritage, i have been frustrated by "check one box only" race paperwork for frickin ever. after some angst, the solution i came to for myself {and for my daughter who is all my stuff plus her papa's} is to refuse to follow directions that negate me. i check all the boxes that apply, and that's what i'd recommend you do to honor your son's heritage and whatever identity he may develop.
as for whether it's important for him to have positive black role models, i'd unequivocally say, "hell, yes!" ideally, we are all contributing to an eventually realized world in which humans are honored for their uniqueness and difference is celebrated instead of denied or oppressed. however, we don't live there yet, and i sincerely doubt that any of us will live to see that ideal realized, though i hope it is on down the road sometime. in light of that, it's extremely important for children with blood ties to races/ethnicities that have been and are still marginalized, oppressed, otherized, et cetera, to grow up with a positive, affirming context for those aspects of themselves.
my gf, who is of mixed ancestry and phenotypically black, was adopted by a white family in the northern midwest. growing up the only non-white person for a hundred miles was not pleasant for her. another woman i know who is also of mixed ancestry and phenotypically black was adopted by a white family in canada and suffered similarly. both adoptive families insisted that "people are people", and while that's a great philosophy, it did nothing to prepare these women for coping with a racist world. they were left bereft of any reflection of themselves in this regard in the faces they were surrounded by, and they both felt very strongly that this was a wrong done them.
if you want to read more about the perspectives of mixed folks on these issues, please check out www.mavinfoundation.org and the essay collection _miscegenation blues_ edited by carol camper {which i think actually includes the contribution of a woman of finnish/continental african {ghanaian?} ancestry} as starting points. there's a growing body of literature out there written by mixed folks making their perspectives on these issues clear.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
yes, proactivity is a good, imho. and yeah, the colorblindness many white kids are reared with can definitely be problematic.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
I'd love to hear more of your (or anyone's) thoughts on this, as it's striking something with me. My boy is totally 'colorblind' which I've, actually, been proud of. He's part native and is certainly aware of cultural differences, etc. but is never even slightly fazed by color differences. I'm hearing from your post that this is not optimal...can you discuss? Thanks.
here's a summary of my take on colorblindness which i think is a different thing than not being "fazed by color differences". imho, it is a good thing for kids to be reared not to apply negative or even stereotypically positive judgments to race/color differences. again, imho, that's a different thing from being raised to pretend that said differences don't exist. they do, and they have enormous consequences in all of our lives. so, yet again imho, kids should learn to recognize and honor those differences as part of being taught to think critically about themselves, the world they inhabit, and the folks who inhabit it with them.
does that make sense? like saying, "i don't see you as black" or "i don't see your color" to a black/non-white person implies a) that there's something wrong with blackness/non-whiteness if you have to "not see it" and b) that the speaker is willfully negating a HUGE aspect of the listener's identity and experience. whereas, my partner saying that he "sees red people" as a result of our relating {part of my mix is onondaga, blackfoot, and cherokee} validates an aspect of my identity and that of folks too often invisibilized in u.s. culture.
this was a summary, right? stopping now.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
and I agree. That can be a fine line to navigate, to teach, and to apply...how we relate to our ethnic and racial, and cultural backgrounds is usually I think incredibly subjective. I'm interpreting this as simple respect for the individual. I wish we lived in more close-knit communities; I miss the concepts of tribes.
Rock on Mamaneen
I wish every white person in america could/would understand this...
saying, "i don't see you as black" or "i don't see your color" to a black/non-white person implies a) that there's something wrong with blackness/non-whiteness if you have to "not see it" and b) that the speaker is willfully negating a HUGE aspect of the listener's identity and experience.
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MG date change: 8/4-8/6
ooh, well said.
why don't they change those freakin stupid check boxes already, esp in the light of biraciality being a prevalent reality. I don't know who the ubiquitous "they" are anyway... that's always the problem too.
That website is cool, thanks for posting it.
~~~
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the "they" changes depending on the context, and we're all part of at least one "they". the "they" that resist plural race box checking often includes everyone who doesn't identify as bi/multiracial and even some who do.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
You always have words of wisdom on this subject. I am going to check out the website.
I am of mixed heritage and my DH is white. I have struggled with and written alot about my own racial/cultural self identity issues as well as that of my three boys. My children are blonde and blue eyed. I tend to have similar worries. No you don't have to pick a race for him. I think that is ridiculous for someone to do for someone else. There are times when I culture relate more to one group than another, and I like feeling free enough to do that. However, because you are moving to a mostly white environment, I would say you want to try to remind him about his black ancestry so that he will not feel distanced from it. I am not saying you have to shove it down his throat, but I would just make sure you try to keep him in touch with that part of his culture.
thank you, ma'am.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
I definitely think it's important for him to have black role models in his life. I don't think you have to make friends with someone specifically for this reason but if you don't have any in your life maybe you could get him involved with Big Brother's/ Big Sister's or some such program. My daughter is bi-racial but her father is here and we live in a predominately black neighborhood so she is exposed and has role models of all backgrounds, she is fortunate in this way because some aspects of her heritage and culture I just can't give her, no matter how much i think i can. I don't think it's a big deal how he is "identified" though, I would write in his race or leave it blank if that is what you want. who the hell wants to be catergorized by a check mark in a box anyway.
Jessica
We do not inherit the land from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children....don't know who to give the credit to saw it outside my library.
Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss
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sorry I didn't mean to post this twice.