Sorry, slightly depressing/ed, if only physiologically.
But my mood is fine, I just... have really been rebelling against life. My house, not my house but where I live, is sloppy with random crap and to-do piles. This would be easy to fix if it weren't such a mirror of my state of mind, and if I cared? I logically know that the way to feel like a person is to go through the motions, do things that a person who is responsible and cares about life and quality of said life would do... My kiddo and I are fine, but we do more finderpainting and less paperwork and cleaning, and etc. Than we needd to to get out of my parent's house and into habits and life that I can be proud of...We're cool people, but at his point, having trouble growing up. Well I am.
From the time I hit puberty to the time that I got pregnant w/ my Leo, I was on some kind of combination of drugs, mostly of the hallucinogen and especially speed family. When I got pregnant, I threw away all of my needles, except one, which sits in my closet and thinks of me, though it's a very one-sided relationship. I don't want to be using, I have a kid and a self and a momhood I care way too much about, but my problem: I feel totally catatonic. I feel like I never learned to get motivated w/o chemical help? I wonder if any of you mamas have advice for a generally happy but just really unmotivated, to the point of perversion, lady. Once I do things, any things; clean, write, volunteer, deal w/ low-income housing bureacracy, etc., I will start to get a handle on life, but I'm kind of going uphill for now. Anyone got ideas for a motor for this mama who's still learning to be sober after almost 3 years? I have a feeling even my spelling is out of whack this week/month/fortnight.
Your spelling is fine, and you should be very proud of yourself for giving up drugs when you got pregnant. I don't have much advice. Maybe try to get up and go for a walk as many mornings as you can.
I can relate to the way you are feeling. Sometimes things can just become so overwhelming that we lose ourselves. One day the dirty dishes don't phase me, the next I feel like throwing myself out the window when I look at them. It can be frusterating when you are a mother and my advice is to try to find a place to go that you and your babe both enjoy. Maybe a family center or a library that has a storytime or a bookstore. Meet some other mamas and just try to force yourself to go places and meet people you don't have to be best friends with anyone, just social. Make a few commitments on the calander and stick with them, get a coffee and sit through storytime you may just meet another really cool unmotivated mama to talk about this stuff with. I met a friend almost five years ago and even though she moved across the country I know she's always there, it means so much. I'm not saying you don't have friends, I don't know. But one thing I know for sure is that it is isolating when you have a kid and your old friends don't, or when you see that your friends are all doing the same crap you used to do but you don't want to. That's when it's time to throw away that last needed and really move forward. Good Luck!
"If I could tell the world one thing, it would be we're all okay"-Jewell
mama - congratulations for getting clean and staying clean! that is no small feat! i don't want to sound like a commercial, but the book i'm reading right now mentions recovery from drug use and depression. maybe you could check it out. look at my most recent blog post. please.
"When I got pregnant, I threw away all of my needles, except one, which sits in my closet and thinks of me, though it's a very one-sided relationship." That is incredibly well stated, damn... i feel you and although i have no words that will fix you, i want you to know that we are all here for you. keep working, and please keep writing. you are incredible for staying clean for so long and being so strong.
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