It feels really important to me to admit this. There were entire months out of this year when I really wanted to kill my daughter and then myself. I had all these elaborate ideas about how I would do it so that my husband wouldn't have to find our bodies.
I just felt so hopeless. My daughter, whom I love with EVERY BREATH IN MY BODY, is insanely hard. She's not a sleeper, she's very strong-willed, on and on. Things are getting much better now, but there was a time this year when I wasn't getting more than an hour or two of sleep at a time and she would cry for HOURS. I felt such rage, and such hopelessness. The sound of her crying made my head feel like it would explode. I saw no way out. No end.
So I thought about killing us. I am not really sure why I didn't do it. Probably because I had enough control still to know that ultimately I loved her, and knew someday our relationship would be good and I'd be able to sleep again and things would get better. But I look at moms like Andrea Yates and I know how they feel. If I were them and not me, with enough money to go around, and a supportive husband, and many friends and loving family members, I might have cracked too.
I can't tell the people in my life these things because every time I tell someone they recoil like I am a monster. And I know I am not. If you knew me, really, I'm the best fucking mother ever. Violet's life is practically perfect; I'm patient and playful and cuddly, etc. But still. I want to process through these intense feelings and no one will let me. It's so taboo to talk about. My best best mom friend stared at me when I told her about my feelings and said "you'd better not say that or someone's going to call CPS." Is it any wonder that when I was actually having the feelings I couldn't talk to anyone? And that made it all the worse.
Probably now the women on this board will be disgusted with me too. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I know I can't be the only one.
Comments
i have been there! sleep
i have been there! sleep deprivation really made me insane for a while, add a little PPD and blammo.
Being open about how you feel is good for you and good for other women who are struggling with the same feelings. We can't get disgusted with each other, we need to have each others backs.
* I'm all fight and no flight *
i am so glad
you are talking about it because that is healing. like gigi said, let it out here. sleep deprivation messes with EVERYTHING, and more than we realize. i really wonder about people who seem to be able to function ok on little or no sleep...they are wired differently i guess. i certainly can't do it.
I'm glad you brought it up.
Haven't been around much recently but people who've read my posts in the past know that I too have struggled with a child who, for the first few years of her life, was extremely difficult. She's still got her moments (and I have mine) but things are much better. Sleep deprivation can do terrible things to us and some kids can push us to the brink. I have one friend who I was able to discuss my feelings with somewhat comfortably. SOmeone who understaood my desire to toss the baby out the window some nights. Sounds so horrifying doesn't it? I hear you when you say you understand Andrea Yates. Many of those cases are heartbreaking in so many ways.
Is there any way you could go in and talk with a family therapist for a sesion or two about things? I don't mean to presume anything, It's just that I did this a few times to discuss my daughter and it was really a normalizing and positive experience for me.
of course you're not the only one
i remember once my sister telling me how she went to stay with a friend of hers who had a baby, because her friend expressed feelings like this. regarding processing the feelings, do you have anyone who can help with that? a therapist? how relieved would you be, if you were ina therapist's office, telling her all this, and she tells you you're not evil. that you're not dangerous, that you're a fine mother? because i think from this post that's what she'd say. obviously i can't really say though.
i'm glad you got it out though. are you relieved?
“ 'Blessed are the meek.' You bet! I love 'em too! I tell 'em to kiss my ass, and they'll kiss it." ~~ Kurt Vonnegut
"You know, i could write a book. And this book would be thick enough, to stun an ox." -- Laurie Anderson
::deep breath::
i think the mama who has not had at least a momentary impulse along those lines is a very rare mama indeed.
around four this morning while my teething child wailed because i wouldn't let her chew on my breasts for comfort as she'd been doing for the last solid hour and most of the night up to that point, it flashed through my brain that i'd would do almost anything to not be listening to that soul-shredding sound. i got up and put my daughter in her crib and went to the far end of the house and put a pillow over my head and just tried to breathe for the few moments it took for my partner to get up, pick up the baby, and bring her screaming self to the other end of the house for me to cope with. ahhh, coparents.
anyway. long story short. you're not alone, and getting community support here can go a long way to help with a lot of mama stresses.
"if i pass for other than what i am/do you feel safer?" ~lani ka'ahumanu
www.walkingthewalls.blogspot.com
"if i pass for other than what i am, do you feel safer?" ~ lani ka'ahumanu
dragon knows dragon
Hi there
I have not wished death on the kids and myself, but I have my own set of thoughts, like about my ex husband and father of my kids how life is so hard, Ive been in and out of court, custody issues, child support, hes an abuser and I just pray at times GOd would take him from this earth and yes I feel guilty for saying that or wishing hed get hit by a truck...
So we all have our thoughts you know? Not that we all go around saying them cause this just isnt the type of thing you just say to everyone.
oh mama!
Yeah, I had those feeling too. They make you feel so evil, don't they? I used to have these images and scenarios about float through my head of just letting Ike drop and him hitting the floor head first, letting him drown in the tub, letting him smother under a blanket. Makes me feel pretty shitty, but at least I am friends with my brain again. Now I can tell when one of those strange "spells" is coming and I can divert it. I sound like a crackpot, don't I? It was almost like a exhaustion/chemical induced violent daydream. I love my son like no other, but he too was hard to deal with. I used to say "at least he doesn't have colic", but he still had his moments.
I do have myself back know, but I will most likely be looking at some form of drug therapy for any future children. I would do it now, but I want to get pregnant sometime soon and so I want to wait.
Thanks for posting this, made me own up to my shit too.
I hope Trula tells her story about PPD, It has been awhile since she last posted so I really don't have much of a chance of finding it myself, but she really made me feel better about PPD the non-judgemental help that is out there if you need it.
I do feel relieved
and a little tired now. I would like to talk to a therapist, but it scares me. I don't want anyone calling in the authorities. I feel like that's what would happen.
disgusted?
Nope, sorry.
There is a lot of intensity to becoming a mother. My son was 3 months early, so we were at the hospital with him, never really alone with him for 2 1/2 months. And since then we meet with all these experts too much and they all smile and tell me I am a fabulous mother (which is true 99% of the time) and I just know they would not say that if they lived in my house or could read my mind.
After fighting to keep him alive for so long I didn't want to kill him, but I was afraid I would. Like I would smash his head into a doorframe and it would explode. Or when he was crying that I would shake him to death. For a while I would get so upset (sleep deprivation was at its worst) I would hit myself on the head if I couldn't calm him down so I wouldn't hurt him, even though I didn't want to hurt him.
And now, he is one, its so much better, but then he will wake up at night and I still can feel mildly hysterical. Or when I wake up at night for some reason and my husband starts snoring? Then I want to kill him. Because he snores and if I ask him to stop he gets mad for waking him up when he woke me up by snoring, but thats spousal abuse/homicide, not infanticide.
I hate that I can feel so alone, when all of the mothers I am close to admit they have had the same issues at some point. But it persists. I read article online or in magazines and usually the mommies seem to have it all so fucking together. But what new mama really feels good, confident, safe and serene all the time? Most of my son's first year was me comparing myself to other mothers and falling short somehow. Not martha stewarty enough, not hip enough, too fat, not rich enough, not "natural"enough. I keep looking for mom friends and failing to find them. Probably because I am so insecure with them.
But then I look at my son and he is a light. ANd I put on red lipstick and my favorite sweatshirt and tight(er that I feel totally ok with) jeans and I live my life. And the lipstick doesn't come off on the baby, which is because I found the right kind and its like a personal triumph for me, a person who shouldn't be without lipstick induced confidence.
You aren't alone. Hell, none of us are. But I forget that constantly.
OK you are really nice
that's all.
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