A pregnant friend of mine just posted to a mailing list we're both on asking about the Baby Whisperer and her "EASY" method. And cold chills just went up my spine because that EVIL BOOK was the
genesis of my worst post partum depression period ever. I know some people like it -- it is a very individual thing and I don't want to knock anything that helps any parent, ever.
BUT. Before I read that book, I was bumbling around knowing very little about parenting. Maybe Vi wasn't sleeping enough, but our lives were basically OK. When she acted sleepy I nursed her to sleep. When she acted hungry, I nursed her some more. When she cried, nursing. In between I held her a lot, or wore her in a sling, and slept with her in bed. I was following my instincts and things were going OK.
Then someone (an experienced mom) gave me that book, telling me that I was doing a disservice to Vi by not having her on a schedule/routine. The book sounded so sensible -- I mean, as a nanny and expert, the author knew so much more than me. And she sounded so certain that her way was THE WAY for every baby, and that if you didn't do her method you would totallly screw the baby up, forever.
So I started trying her methods. And within a week or two, my and Vi's relationship had absolutely deteriorated into madness. She cried all the time. I was constantly struggling with her trying to get her to sleep, or trying to hold her off from nursing. I spent every day with a sour acid stomach because I was listening to Violet crying all the time. Worse, when I decided to give it up, Violet no longer trusted me, and it took a long time before we got back to where we were before. At this point in my life I spent a portion of every single day imagining the best way to kill myself.
For me, reading Sears' books on attachment parenting was like a balm for my tortured soul. After I read those books I was no longer fearful and depressed. I started trusting myself instead. I know AP doesn't work for everyone, but it was what was right for me and Violet and how I regret letting a book come between the knowledge I instinctively had when Vi was first born. That fucking baby whisperer made our first year so much harder than it had to be.
Comments
OMG i had
a really similar experience! it totally went against my instincts & really did create distance between me & naturoson. i said "fuck this" within a few months. it's really amazing how easy it can be to erode a mama's confidence. i spotted this book in my garage yesterday & wasn't sure if i should sell it (bad karma) or burn it.
To succeed in life is to know your own Beauty, to love yourself fully, and then let that radiate out as it will. ~Deborah Francis, ND
To succeed in life is to know your own Beauty, to love yourself fully, and then let that radiate out as it will. ~Deborah Francis, ND
Poor Mama!
Sometimes it takes us awhile to realize that WE are the best thing or our child. Every kid is so different. That is my mantra when I have to listen to bullshit from the MIL or some dumb ass who wants to categorize my child along with theirs and me as a bad mommy.
Why would crying it out be good for a young child? In the animal kingdom it is a bad thing. Leaving a baby alone to cry would get it eaten by something bigger. I can't say we don't let Ike cry a bit now, but for us it involves him falling asleep with daddy at night. He isn't alone, just tired and undwinding. This also didn't happen until he was 19 months old and I had just had fairly major surgery and had to sleep away from him awhile.
But I digress... :)
I think it is natural for people to offer advice to a newborn, but our culture has gotten so mixed up on childbirth lately, you get 10 different opinions from as many people and sometimes none of them are what you and your child need to survive. To put that crap on top of postpartum deppresion is just criminal!
I had to listen to some bitchy woman last week say that crying it out is just fine. I countered with "every child is different" and that Ike would cry for hours until he couldn't breathe from crying so hard (our few attempts at using that methid to get him to try to sleep in the crib). I told her that my kid would cry until he could barely breathe. She basically said "well I have never expereinced that with THREE kids". So know I am a judgemental person, because I really think that if a kid was crying as hard and as long as my son did and this mommy thought it was "just fine", she has no business being a mother.
I don't want a trained monkey for my convenience (and I don't even think training would make our son like other kids, he is a redhead for gods sake!). I want a dynamic, explorative, firecracker of a boy who can trust me to be compassionate and understanding.
*off my soapbox now*
There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world; and that is an idea whose time has come. ~ Sir Isaac Newton
Burn baby
burn!
There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world; and that is an idea whose time has come. ~ Sir Isaac Newton
My mom told me about that crap
She had everyone saying stuff like that to her when she had us. She only advised me to trust my instincts. That's what I'm doing with Dave and he's a very happy baby!
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
-G. K. Chesterton
I read that
Picking up your baby every time he cries and tending to him rigt away well make him a more emotionally secure adult!
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.
-G. K. Chesterton
Yah
see it works for some mothers, which is why it is so popular. Or rather some mothers don't have the same visceral reaction to their baby's cries as you or I. Or they are able to deal with it better, I don't know. I simply couldn't stand to hear my babies crying, period. So when they cried I picked them up.
but then again I am prone to PPD, so I may be more sensitive? than women who are not, I dunno. I went over a neighbor's house once when my youngest was about a year old, and she had a 4 month old baby that she had on a schedule. She wouldn't feed him or pick him up until it was 'time', it about drove me crazy watching this. I mean she could talk calmly while the baby was screaming upsatirs, not even bat an eye. It didn't seem to bother her one bit.
MG 2006! | Pics
I am a womanist
Books | Babies
Word!
Listening to Violet cry makes me feel as though every hair on my head is standing on end. I can't understand how some women are able to withstand it. I suspect they're cut off from their own instincts? Or something? No one can convince me that letting an infant cry is a healthy thing.
Um I think I love you
A mama who wants a baby who is HIMSELF rather than some trained robot who lets mama get on with her life unhindered? Could you be MY mommy?
lol
You are funny.
Those are my ideals, but in real life I am the mommy who has to follow her little animal around everywhere so he doesn't destroy his surroundings.
He is my little Shiva the Destroyer and we give him lightly guided freedom because trying to control him would be the end of the world as we know it.
There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world; and that is an idea whose time has come. ~ Sir Isaac Newton
right on!
we are totally in sync, lady. My husband and I are in the low-stress, low-force school of parenting. We have crappy furniture and no Faberge eggs (finally being poor is somewhat useful!) and just let Violet go ahead and barge through the whole house, taking CDs from shelves, making a shambles of the kitchen. Fuck it. The house will be clean and nice in a few years. We only interfere when stuff is godawful messy -- no playing with syrup! -- or actually dangerous -- hmm, maybe we'd better not let her put pennies in her mouth.
Pages