So school sucks and then again it doesn't. I love learning but the work is all consuming and the University of Portland doesn't have any concept of Mother who is a student. I think that there was an essay about that in Hipmama the zine at one point.....anyway nice to know that I am not alone in my experience anyway....and then there is the juxtapozition of the great financial aid loan officer who has raised 8 kids (catholic?) and says to me "don't be afriad to call me and ask for help with your girls when you are trying to write your papers I am not extending a false offer here"....anyway school is tough and I am barely scraping by with C's and C- is failing in the School of Nursing and well "C's get Degrees" as they say....and I am in tears all the time and I want to quit and I want to commit suicide in a grandious manner all dramatic like because "I am a FAILURE" or whatever.... and then I am working on my paper today because I have to finish it during springbreak because I turnied it in incomplete and got an email from the good pathophysiology professor to "see me during my office hours after the break" shitfuckdamn........ and the phone rings and it is my cousin Ali and she says things are not so good and why?....

my cousin Matt committed suicide last night.

He left behind our big family and his little boy and his brother and sister, his mom and dad, and he was 30 years old, maybe 31 I can't remember exactly.

We aren't sure of the exact details, his big brother Josh found him dead thismorning, and he used to have a big drug addiction (I'm not sure where it was recently) so maybe it was an overdose? But that qualifys as a suicide right? A slow one, right? A russian roulette one right? What a waste of a brilliantly funny, awsome punk as fuck cool talented silly and sweet smart guy. I am so sad, and so greatful to be clean. And so mad at him for not valuing himself like we valued him.

The big picture? So what if school sucks, life has so many options, if not this then something else.

Peace be with you Matt.