Rude or Just Honest
In my family everything had to be seamless, as my parents called it, and my mother liked for everything to seem all Norman Rockwell all the time. You did not tell people things they might not like or rock the boat in anyway. So now that I am an adult I find one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are not honest with me even if it is to try to be polite. So I have a tendency to just say how I feel. Like if I am offered a food I don't like I usually say no thanks I am just not big on mushrooms. (My mother would be horrified!) So I was wondering how other people view this. Do you eat whatever you are offered in order to be polite? Or tell people that you have a prior engagement instead of saying you just don't feel like being social? And do you think things like that are rude or just honest? Have manners changed from the days when you smiled politely and cleaned your plate and never caused a scene in public? I am interested in all your opinions.
I was raised the same way...and I' turned out just like you...I say what i think (within reason) almost all the time. I've gotten FAR more tactful since college...but still...most people know where I stand on something and appreciate that I am easy that way.
I think life is too short to be beating around the bush for paragraphs when you can just get there in a sentence. But of course, there are always exceptions! As far as food goes, I'm more of a "you gotta at least try it" sort of girl. I think the fine line is drawn where you go TOO far to inform people of your opinion. A "no thanks" works just fine...no need to offer, "no thanks I HATE that"... 
My .02
I was raised the same way and ended up being the most straightforward person in my family. Not in a rude, must get my way, sorta way, but I feel it's important to just get it all out in the open. People appreciate me being upfront with them and therefore feel more comfortable being open with me. It's a win win situation in my opinion. But when it comes to food, I too would much rather people keep an open mind and at least try something that they assume they don't like. I love to cook and it's extremely rude to me if a guest pushes something around on their plate or doesn't even touch one of my several appetizers. To each their own, but I admit that people who refuse to go outside their comfort zone and try something new is even a bigger pet peeve for me!
I guess it depends. I tell my MIL all the time if I don't like something (foodwise). I mean, I'm not going to eat olives just to make her happy. And I think it's pretty obvious I don't like them if there's a big pile of them on my plate. I don't think that's rude. Sometimes I think it's more rude to be dishonest, because dishonesty can come back and bite you in the ass. But sometimes, it's just easier to say that you can't do something because of XYZ instead of explaining why you don't want to go. I guess it depends on the person I'm dealing with. I find that as I get older, I have fewer people in my life that I'd have to make excuses to--e.g., I'll tell them I'm not feeling like going out rather than saying I have to stay home with the baby, even if that's not true. I think this is a healthy thing.
I like just about everything when it comes to food. I am so not picky. I guess I'm probably overly polite too. I like for everyone to be happy and feel good.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt
When did the lemons learn the same creed as the sun?
When did smoke learn how to fly?
--Pablo Neruda
I personally appreciate comments that cannot be negatively interpreted. For example, "No thank you." is infinitely preferable to "Mushrooms!? Gross!" or even "I'm not big on mushrooms."
But I want to explain why. Part of this is to protect me from being one-upped on rudeness. When we say "I'm not big on mushrooms." we have effectively challenged the host to try try us on HER mushrooms. Who wants to get into that kind of a pissing contest? nd what's wrong with just saying "No thank you." anyway? For all the host knows you have a deathly allergy or a fungiphobia that you prefer not to discuss. If someone can't leave it alone, it makes them the rude one, not you. As in,
"But you must try my scalloped sherry mushrooms on toast."
"No, really, thank you, though."
"But I insist."
in which case it would NOT be rude to try a smidge, gag, drop the plate upside down on the rug, and run to her bathroom.
One thing I hate, and I think is pretty typical of Americans, is the fastfood manners request. For example, someone comes over and I'll say, "Can I get you a drink? I have apple juice, tea or water." and they'll say "Got any soda?" which is exactly the same thing as saying "What you are offering is not good enugh for me."
I also hate the negotiating. As in "Can you come for dinner Saturday night at 7:00?"
Pick a rude response:
a) "Who else will be there?" (cuz you're not interesting enough)
b) "What are we having?" (cuz the food is more important than your company)
c) "How about Friday at 8:00?"
Pick a polite response:
a) "Thank you, but I'm already busy that night."
b) "LOVE to, can't. But are you available to come over next Friday for spaghetti at 6:30? Gaia and Harvest will be coming with Baby Winthorp, and we're gonna play Scrabble."
c) "Thanks, but I have plans for that evening. But tell me what I'll be missing!"
If anyone is rude enough to counter polite response (a) with "What's more important than dinner with me?" you may fake a stroke to get off the phone or feel justifiably invited to tell them the truth, as in "I've got a hot date with my tweezers and the magnifying mirror."
"Dare to be happy! ALways take a chance!
But never put frogs in your underpants!"
kind of related, but have you noticed how the older you get the less responsible you are for being rude? Like great grandma can pull you aside and say such atrocities as, "you know dear, you shouldn't be eating that potatoe salad, men don't stay faithful to fat wifes, and I think you may have gained weight since having that baby." But somehow she is neither rude nor honest and her excuse from everyone is old. "oh yeah, take everything gran says with a grain of salt, shes just old."
can often coexist.
What I say depends on the situation, the person(
involved, the importance of the truth in that situation, and so on. I think that the most socially skilled people make others feel listened to, acknowledged, and responded to in a manner which is neither brutally blunt nor ingratiating.
My closest friends have always said, after knowing me for a while, that they feel they can count on a straight answer from me. I hope this isn't a bad trait because it does seem a consistent observation about me over the years. I have rarely been accused of being rude. I enjoy being around women (actually all people) who put thought into what they say and how they say it but who don't often choose to leave their opinions unspoken.
Good manners and truthfulness will never go out of style. People simply don't enjoy rudeness or liars.
You can be polite, and honest at the same time. "brutally" honest, imo, is almost always just mean and rude. I'm not big on mushrooms might be more polite than risking someone thinking you just don't like their cooking, however, just "no thanks" is also sufficient.
I have a little story for when this topic comes up: One night when I was bartending, this older, semi-unstable and bizarre lady came up to the bar. She was dressed in a way that I found.....unappealing. She asked me "how do I look!?" (she was obviously feeling really into her vinyl outfit). I hate to lie. I really do. I just kind of leaned back and smiled and said "you GO girl!! You look ready to DANCE!" She left beaming. I spoke my truth, and she was able to still feel really good. I think something like this is usually possible--though their are certain times when someone may need to hear the painful truth.
for reasons i touched on in nomad's "liar" blog.
so, i too will be honest in situations calling for civility, but i try to be as sensitive as the situation calls for, but still honest. like if i turn down an engagement, i don't want to be seen out with someone else when i told the person i was home with a sick kid or something. (not that that ever happens. i have no social life, but that's another story)
when i think about it, when it's happened to me what i find so insulting is not that they lied to me, but that they got all nervous about it. "uh.... uh.... i have a .... well you see..... my mom is coming...."
please. get over yourself. i will not hang myself in the closet because you didn't come to the movies. so i try to be very upfront. "i don't want to go out today."
"i don't really care for your friend who's coming"
that sort of thing.
food... i'm a little more evasive. i do exploit the vegetarian angle to the fullest extent.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
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