I think I have issues!
I think I have issues! I have all this stuff building up in my head and I don't know what to do with it. So I am bringing it to you, uncensored and as though you were reading my own personal journal. I am going to trust you all to be as supportive as I have always seen you be instead of doing my usual trying to guess what everyone will think of me. (Worrying about what others think and if they like me is one of my biggest issues!) So here goes...I am feeling really bad about myself right now. Is it the visit from my family? Is it all the time I spend with myself now? I feel unlikable. Like I don't deserve my husband, or the happiest little baby ever. I feel like I could leave this town tomorrow and no one would notice or care. I feel not hip enough for the hip mamas and not Jonesy enough for the mamas here. Even as I type this I hear my mother's voice echoing in my head, "people don't like unhappy people" and I am wondering have I written too many blogs about how unhappy I am right now. Are the other mama's going to start to think I need help? Why do I care so much anyway? Everyone has their issues right? Right? Or is that why I have trouble making friends? Do I chase them all away? Am I too needy? When I think about it I feel like I am a good person, a good wife, a good friend, and a good mama. But I guess deep down I don't really believe that or I would not second guess everything I say and do in the way that I do.
Then I hear her saying, "If you are unhappy you will make Lydia unhappy." Am I going to make my DD into a version of myself? I don't want her to put up with the kind of jerky guys I put up with. I don't want her to be too afraid to be herself. I don't want her to starve herself down to a 96lb teenager. I don't want her to fear I will not love her if she is not what I think she should be. I worry that I am not real. That I do what I think others want me to do or think and not what I REALLY feel or think. All in the name of being "normal" and acceptable.
Then there is this whole body image thing. I have AWAYS struggled with it. I have always hated the way that I look. And now I am covered in stretch marks, 20 pounds heavier, hippier, and I have these huge, heavy, saggy boobs. My clothes don't fit and I hate getting dressed everyday. I wish I could just start a whole new life. (of course keeping DH and DD.) I wish I had some FUCKING SELF CONFIDENTS!
Ok well thanks for letting me get that all out. Maybe there is someone else out there in Hip Mama land that has felt some of the same things and can commiserate or advise.
Did you say your family had just visited? That always makes me feel bad too. I don't think i can advise, but i definitely commiserate. All I would say is, don't listen to anybody's voice telling you that your unhappiness will make your baby unhappy. You'll end up going round in circles, being unhappy about the effect that your unhappiness has. Why would your mother say something so unhelpful? Babies are simple creatures - you can make them laugh just by blowing bubbles at them, even when everyone around them is having a nervous collapse. I bet she (the baby) thinks you're a fantastic mum, and it's her opininon that counts. Hope you feel better soon.
"needy" is a term people use in place of the more honest "you need more than i feel prepared to give" or, more accurately, "i choose to believe that you need more than i am prepared to give, because it makes me feel better about myself to think of you as less than i." either because they just don't feel that close to you or that they have too much of their own shit going on. i get indignant when i hear it. it's like "stalker." i hear people say that about other people, when they themselves have been dishonest with the person. "i told her i would be here at 10, but i didn't tell her to COME HERE! geez. what a stalker." get my drift? delete that "needy" thought right from your head.
as to us thinking you need help.... first of all, most of us need help. or are actually getting help, myself excluded because i am a perfectly balanced, rational, clear headed person to whom everyone comes for advice..... ahem.... so what if we did think that? wouldn't you rather hear it from us?
and finally, i have thought every single thing you list here. i have worried about making my daughter in to a little sourpus like me, and it didn't happen. not yet anyway, and she's seven.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
"not Jonesy enough for the mamas here" I'm so not jonesy, I don't even know what Jonesy is.
"people don't like unhappy people" Then how come Morrisey sold so many records?
"Are the other mama's going to start to think I need help?" So what if we do?? In your mind, is their something wrong with needing help? I know I have recommended counseling several times to mamas here, you know why? Cuz EVERYBODY could probably benefit from it, and it has helped me. Yes, I need help!!!!! And do you know how much of an impact it made on me that I thought another mama might need help??? So little, that I can't even remember one mom specifically who I wrote this to.
Anyway, I don't have any specific advice. It sounds like, like all of us humans, you could use some help. It also sounds like you are going through the same stuff millions of women do.
I wish you some joy, contentment, self-acceptance, and peace.
how old's your baby? if this is the first time you've felt so overwhelmed/overanalytical/down, could you be dealing with some post partum depression too?
either way, know that you've found a cool community of mamas here. many of us have been through some shit, in some form, and lived to tell about it. keep talking about it, mama, but think about therapy, too. it sounds like you can take a step back and very everything logically, but then your mind starts going into overdrive, and you're lost again. i've been there, and through time (and some meds!) i've out.
"mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved"
i think most people feel that way and the ones that don't are the exception, but its hard for me, personaly to think that anybody else but me feels that way when i am feeling that way, and i hope it makes you feel better that when i am feeling this way next time, i will remember that you feel this way too. Because although i don't know you, i am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are probably pretty cool and i wouldn't view you less than anybody else i would love to go drink coffee and shoot the shit with, so maybe i am being hard on myself as you are, and i am glad that you shared this so my own neurotic soul could be reminded that i am not the only one. Because the parts of our brains that are touched by neurosis lie and are so good at it, aren't they?
sorry to say...those voices are killers...
My mom used to say that to me too, don't be upset, you'll pass it to the baby, don't do this don't do that...all related to things that just naturally came out of me.
I TOTALLY know what you feel like. It is hard to imagine that others also feel insecure or like a fraud on some level..but we all do...it's just how long you stay there, and what you let define you.
I once had someone say to me when I was feeling crazy and inadequate, "you're trying to live in your MOM's information, not yours..." That was huge to me...because she was right...I was basing my success and failure on her info, her life, her fears, HER. I am very different and I needed to value that. Value that my instinct was my own and valid. You might be feeling "not real" because really? You're not when you are living in someone else's information. Maybe that's not the way you think, or it's too woo woo la la for you, but it really helps me to loosen the grip of my mothers claws now and again....
THanks for sharing...it's so good to get this shit out, and this is a great place to do it.
Be well.
I went to a child discipline class night and through some strange line of events this statistic was shot out by the "head" of the class: 85% of people (not just parents/ not just mommas...but every person) feel as though they are living their life as a "fraud", they have "no idea what they are doing" and they are afraid that they will "be discovered as being a fraud". We also discussed "default" parenting...and how afraid we are that we will teach our children to parent "wrong" because we are too busy trying to counteract how we were parented...this was not a small class, and was comprised of ALL kinds of families. As for self image, keep reading the blogs here. We all fight the "we have self image issues". This is in no way meant to make your feelings any less real, but more to maybe help realize that you are not alone in this. I don't have a solution for ya. I wish I did, cause I would be able to help myslef as well. But you do deserve the life you have, you are not training your child to be an unahappy person, but rather that it is okay to be unhappy...instead of "faking" happy. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has issues. Everyone can use help at some point and well, it seems to me that you are off to a good start just being able to see what is going on with yourself. Much love your way...from another 20 pound heavier, saggy boobed, stretched out momma.
tiny evolutions
I have thought and felt so many of these things too. I think it's...normal...? I am pregnant with my first baby and had a breakdown last week, convinced that I would be the worst mother because I would transfer all of my crap to this poor child. And like yours, my mother says "unhelpful" things fairly frequently that make me doubt myself further. (May the universe help me NOT do this to my baby.)
As far as help goes, yeah, you might benefit from talking to someone. I have. Most people I know have. I think it takes a lot of courage to say "You know what? I can't do this all by myself."
You can get through this. Try not to worry quite so much about what other people think (I will if you will) and give yourself a break. A lot of us women are way, WAY too hard on ourselves.
What is it with mother's? I'm pregnant with my first, and last week my mother told me that she didn't think I was mentally capable of handling more than 2 children. All this because I've been very, VERY weepy the last few weeks. HELLO, I fukin pregnant! WTF!!! She had four and we should've been taken away by Child Protective Services. She is psycho!!.. Sorry, I digress.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
~ Groucho Marx
not entirely sure what it is, maybe competition, maybe feeling the pinch of separating from and losing their child, but mothers do this. what gets me is that as a mother, your mother knows what it's like to be pregnant. so she knows that your weepiness is nothing to worry about. but she knows that you don't know this yet, and is preying on that for some reason.... maybe she wants you to feel like you need her? maybe she's sad taht you're maturing in this way and will never be the same, will never be as dependent?
??
don't know. but sorry.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
Thanks Farto. I needed to hear that.
what a rude and hurtful and UNFOUNDED thing to say to you. I hate snarky mothers.
Please, all of you, come to us! Don't listen to the tear you down voices out there. It's hard enough to be a mom and raise a family without catching shit from what is supposed to be your support system.
Sunflower the unflower
Sunflower the unflower
I just spoke with a friend today & he said lately I seem to always be blue...okay, I am preggers & life sucks right now...what is my point? Well, on the one hand we all have bad days...on the other, if you are really feeling blue often, perhaps you should talk to a therapist at the very least. I loved my therapist in the US & she really helped me so much to feel good about myself & that I do deserve good things...so, I can really commiserate.
My advice would be not to suffer, find someone to talk to...and, I don't know how your finances are, but go get yourself sized for a nice new bra (Nordstrom, Dillards, etc. do sizing). Felina & Wacoal make nice bras for big boobies that aren't grandma like. Then, go get the book WHAT NOT TO WEAR. It totally helped me realize that I was wearing lots of the wrong things for my body. If you can afford to, get a few new things: a pair of jeans, a couple new t-shirts, some basics to help you feel better.
How old is your baby? The strech marks fade, the weight will come off...but maybe try a yoga or pilates class to get some strength & tone back.
What I have found is that when I have tried to be 'normal' & fit in, I came across as fake...because I was being fake. Life is alot better now that I am just me. I might be a little different, but I am way more likable because I think people can tell that I am genuine, which I think gets me further than being 'like-minded'.
I hope that helps.
I wanted to check in one more time to say Thank You for sharing your private thoughts with us. I'm glad we're all here (including you).
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Thanks for all the advice and making me feel like I am not alone in this. Just wanted to say that I am getting help. I have been in and out of counseling since I was 18, and on and off the meds since I was 20. Talking to someone has helped a lot, but I think I never admitted to my self just how deep some of these feelings ran until I was locked in the house with them for 9 months. I guess work and pre baby life served as a distraction. Anyway, it has only been with in the last few months that I have been able to admit to myself, and then my counselor how I truly feel. So I am working on it, but some days I just have these meltdowns, and my mind goes off in directions I can't control. Over all it is probably good for me, but I have such control issues that it kind-a freaks me out. (If that makes any sense.) At any rate thanks again for your support!