I don't think ARGUMENTS (of the "who's going to do the dishes THIS time?" sort)are at all harmful, as long as they come with resolution. I think that kids need to see that there is conflict in families, and that conflict has to be resolved. I'm thinking of that old "Simpson's" episode where Marge would drag Homer out to the car to yell at him so that the kids wouldn't hear it, so the kids peered out the window at them and imagined horrible things.

However, I don't think mean spirited, insulting or drag down blow outs are good for kids, either. Nor is the passive agressive sort of one person retreats, or nobody speaks for days, or weeks (that's what we had in my family, and it SUCKED).

"Our problems stem from our acceptance of this filthy, rotten system." - Dorothy Day

what i have been thinking/experiencing so i thank you for that. walking that fine line between being human/yourself (which can be horrid) and a better parent can be tough. and trying to do so with another person who also has their moments adds to it. i am learning to let a lot roll off my back.

Thanks!

From the kid's poitn of view:
It sucks! Big time. I don't have many memories of my family life before 3, but they all consist of my parents fighting and arguing. I hated it. When I was 6, my brother ands I got a tape recorder and taped our parents arguing in the vain hope that if they heard it, they would know how terrible it was. We never had the guts to play it for them, tho.
Granted, this was abusive fighting, physically and emotionally. But it has an emotional effect on me to this day. When I hear anyone, even stranger, argue loudly, there is a physiological reactoin. My heart rate increases, I get nervous and agitated and have a hard time thinking what to do. wierd, I know, but it just happens.
This is not to say that your arguing is that bad. It is just in my experience that arguing around a kid can have a detrimental effect. Disagreeing? fine. but arguing and fighting? bad. I am not saying you should stop arguing and fighting altogether, that would be detrimental, just that perhaps you can find a better way to work out your differences. therapy is good. Very good. It did wonders for my brother and I.
Geez. just gives me the heebie-jeebies writing about it. talk about a hang up... : )
IMHO...
"certified kick ass by dreammama"

Well, we've had too much of this, and we have bad dysfunctional fights. We have been in therapy basically to learn how to have healthy conflict, communication skills, and learning how to just being decent to each other. So, there (IMO) are types of fighting that a couple simply shouldn't have--kid or no kid. Yelling, screaming, name calling, throwing, violence, etc. Therapy has helped us SO dramatically.

It does suck that kids TOTALLY pick up on tension...but I think if you hold that tension till kids go to bed, they've been feeling it the whole time anyway.

Assuming you are having healthy conflict, I think it is okay to argue in front of kids, and important to let them see the resolution happen. See that arguments can happen without the world falling apart. That we can have conflict, resolve it together, and then still hug and love each other.

It may be good to schedule time to yourselves to deal with issues also. But I have heard of people who's parent's NEVER fought in front of them...and that screwed them up too. When they entered their own adult relationships they had NO IDEA what to do to resolve conflict, and sometimes felt like the whole relationship was a disaster if a fight occured.

I think that if you fight civily(ie debate) in front of your child that it all depends on the noise and excitement level in the house. My example is: Mama and Uncle. We live with my loud very loud mother and my almost as loud brother. Seriously its sometimes obnoxious, but i have been with my mother since she pushed me out and went from child to roomate now i just havn't moved out, but thats another story.
but in summer months we have had COPS to our house on NUMEROUS occasions throughout my life because mama and just a few aunts are VERY loud and easily excitable. Just by playing cards, listening to music, having a few cocktails. Good as well as bad. My son actualy spends more time with her because she is a free babysitter and i work about 50 hours a week, so he sees grandma alot and his uncle who both do not believe in walking to the other room to adress the person of intrest. Mama and my brother yell at the television, root with gameshow contestants, sports, and talk and a subsonic level. Therfore my home is consistantly noisy and there are people fired up or laughing and screaming with joy all the time.They slam cupboards, bang pans, so my son is just surrounded by noise and has no reaction to spats considering grandma is once again yelling at the president or salesman on tv. Or watching Jerry Springer ( i know thats wrong but ever tried to tell a 50+ black woman what to watch in her house?)I would think if you and your family live like civilized normal people do and not like my family and then spontaneously start raisng voices it may attract and scare the baby. Come to think of it, whispering may scar my child! but i mean if you get passionate receiving news, reinterate work stories with animation or chase eachother around the house being all cute or something, blare the radio from time to time your kid probably won't even notice if you let things slip. I mean, if your child goes into the world thinking your marraige is perfect, how are your kids gonna learn conflict resolving skills?

worrying about it didn't help it, or prevent it. ironically, when i started to loosen up on myself and let myself be human and have an indescretion or two, the instances of actually arguing in front of the baby went down. but the more i worried abou it, the more aware i was about having to hold my tongue and worried about whether i could wait till she was asleep.

it's a good habit to establish though. waiting till the child is in bed, because it really shouldn't become his problem, right? but if you slip up now and then, chalk it up to learning and move on.

*anecdote* we argued around the kid a little, then when she was walking at about 11 months, but not talking very well, an arguement broke out in the living room, and she joined in, taking part the way she observed: she stood in front of me facing daddy, waved her arms nad went "BA BA BA BA BA BA!" then she turned around and did the same to me, and then toddled off in a make believe huff. it was the cutest thing, and if i wasn't enjoying the arguement so much it might have served to wake me up to how silly i am behaving in front of my kid. but alas, i am dense.

"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak