Thoughts on a Golden Day
Jennifer Bredl

the sun shines golden today - it reflects off the autumn mountains holding this valley tight - i should be happy on a day like today - but so far i'm not -

perhaps i need a little morning get up and go - a coffee and -

i'd like to drink today - i'd love to get falling down drunk - let the children find me in the middle of kitchen floor - a knife in my hand - a memory of a happier time reflecting in the black of my eyes - a pool of blood spreading out from under me - i was only trying to peel an apple - the knife slipped - i slipped -

stone drunk - passed out - dead - either one of these sound good on a morning like this -

ain't it great when depression rolls in with the morning fog -

if i was a junkie still - i'd have done my morning taste by now - you know - to get the gravel in my voice - i love the sound of junkies - i love the sound of silence see - i could sit on this hill - and not call any one - basically - we could all be dead and it would take a while for anyone to figure it out - days perhaps - at least 3 days before unreturned phone calls to a certain cell phone finally raised suspicion -

it's quiet in the house right now - the house that should be cleaned - the house with writing on the walls - the house that love built - the house that i tore down in a fit of rage and depression - the house of ghosts

there comes a time when i must let go - must stop playing head games with myself - stop talking myself through the tears - into the tears - the tears that tear me up - you know - maybe i do have an anger problem - maybe i am violent - maybe i am fucked up - i could lay down and sleep for a hundred years - i could dream - this is not my life - this is not what i had in mind - this is bullshit - non-productive - pity party pity party pity party - sorry you can't come - there is only room for one

i thought i'd be feeling better by now - i missed a dose of medication a couple of days ago - is that what creeps up on me now - there is a hole in my medicated mind - the feel good medication has a hole - a gaping gap - it lays there wrapped around my brain - a blanket of nothing - a blanket of anger - a blanket of despair - despair - such a strong word - no - maybe there is no despair - no remorse - no lies - no absurd behavior - no violent behavior - volatile - i went off - again - i can't take it i can't take it i can't take it

my head explodes over and over and over - i'm over here - and i'm not sure what to do -

i'm the mother that books are written about - the not so kind mother - the mother the mother - you mother fucker - your crazy mother - we don't want to play at your house - your mother is crazy - she's scary - you must be crazy too your mother - my mother - i'm a mother - who's mother - my mother -

in death there is release - i hope they say good things - i hope it's not too soon - fear of dying - irrational fear of living - dying - purging the demons - i'm afraid of my self - i'm afraid of you - whoever you is - you are - please don't read into this too much - it's just a morning ramble - it's just a bit of morning pain - i didn't kill anyone - i didn't kill myself - a little piece of me died yesterday - a bit more in the night -

i'm thankful there is still some of me still - enough - to - feel - like - this - on a monday morning - without cigarettes and a messy house i can't get cleaned - look at this place - look at the walls the wall the walls - dirt is every where - it's a mess it's a mess - i try to keep it clean - but it's like putting out fires - it's damage control - i can't keep up - can't keep up fuck - forget about me - it's all about making everyone else happy - isn't it?

what is it with me it's always something isn't it - i'm like that aren't i - am i ever going to get better - get it together - in the mean time - look after the house - look after the kids - and when you get home - you can take care of things - honestly - fuck - how hard can it be? don't say the words i love you - never say it - never say them - i don't need to hear that bullshit anyways - what is love - i can't love you - i don't know about love - i'm too caught up inside my self today today today - i should be happy - today today - weighs heavy on my mind - weighs heavy on my broken body - today will become tomorrow - it will be okay - okay it will be - will it be okay - be okay - okay okay?????