40oz In A Cup
My 22 year old brother has been evicted from his apartment and is sleeping wrapped in a blanket on the floor in the living room of my already too small apartment. I am annoyed he is using the pillows from the couch I paid for on layaway for 18 months, our first that was not a hand-me-down. I am allergic to cats and have paid no pet deposit, so his cat sleeps on the patio. She sits at the glass door watching him and hissing at my husband when he opens the door just to slide out on the patio and smoke a cigarette. She is annoyed because he has not opened it wide enough for her to slip through his legs and inside. She takes it personally, not understanding my allergies or his worry that the sliding glass door will get off its track again if he opens it too wide.
My brother and I have recently argued because I have forced him to pour his 40oz into a cup to drink. I explain to him that it is typical of our relationship that he does not understand the importance of such a small thing for me. Watching him drink it from the bottle is somehow more than I can take and just a reminder of all that he refused to be, making his lack of ambition too real. I cannot put the meaning of the 40oz into words cannot explain to him what the implied symbolism of it is for him, for me, for black men. I have raised him after my mother died and for my three boys he has more of an older brother than an uncle. They are excited he has come for a visit, he teaches them all the tricks to win at video games whose names I cannot pronounce, created by Japanese animators. I don't want them to see him drinking from it. They don't even know what it is, have never seen a bottle of malt liquor before, yet somehow I sense that they will know what he is and see that he has become some cheap thing that gets off work from washing dishes at Popeye's chicken and walks to the gas station to buy a 40 oz of Malt Liquor with names like Miller High Life, or Bull that are advertised on billboards on black ghettos that he has never seen or lived in.
He thinks I am being stupid, asks what difference it makes if he drinks it in a cup. I shrug and argue with him about the cat instead.
"But is it my manner that keeps her from hearing, or the threat of a message that her life may change?"
-Audre Lorde
i hate the way thay look to. Its like ridiculously large and just looks trashy.Or at least binge-drinky.Nothing good. i hate when they are espcialy left inside the brown paper bag.Now thats ghetto. I have told my husband not to do it.
Its all over from the ghetto (where we live)thats the kind of "take the edge off" look to the spoiled rich boys that don't have to work and are living in Ann Arbor going to college the "binge drink" look. Its just not becomming. Its not a beer either its three, so it should be put into a cup if you are actualy claiming to buy it for economical purposes than. I mean I don't drink pop from a two liter.
The best reason is of course you don't want your boys to see that as an accessorie to their hero. I idoloized my uncles and everything they did was cool to me. Even if it was wrong or unhealthy. Kinda like how kids are with rappers and movie stars.
Good looking out for your brother though. Hey if you don't bitch you'll make him too comfortable and then he'll just regress into adolescence considering how young he is. I think at 22 a female is a woman(more or less, but at 22 males are alot more like boys.
It is so hard to open your home to a desperate person and then see them continue to make shitty choices. Our emotions swing from outrage at the chutzpah they dare to show by disrespecting our "rules" to a kinda sentimental hovering to help "enable" them to the next level. I think the biggest problem for a sensitive person is the ability to imagine yourself in their straits, and sometimes we are willing to allow our own life expectations and comfort levels to take a backseat to their neediness for far too long.
I speak only from experience (three, actually): one which began as a two week "help me get out of my parents' house" and ended up after 4 months with a "I can't afford to contribute to groceries, but do you like my new Nordstrom sweater?" conversation that fired me up to the point of helping her pack that very night.
It's not about the 40 oz - it's about being torn between the hope/knowledge that allowing this beloved person into your home is absolutely helping/hindering his emotional development.
I wish you peace, and significantly more success than my experiences.
"Dare to be happy! ALways take a chance!
But never put frogs in your underpants!"
"Dare to be happy! ALways take a chance!
But never put frogs in your underpants!"
I haven't had exactly the same experience, but I do understand the whole thing about watching a brother with lack of ambition not really get anywhere. I had a situation with my brother once upon a time that had some similar things going on. There's a definite phenomenon that can happen with black men where their ambition is stifled and they don't know how to find it. Often they sabotage themselves in a convoluted cycle of fear of success - it's really frustrating for loved ones to watch this happening.
Your brother is still very young. People who study human development often say it takes until a person is 25 for the brain to level off, and shake off the last drops of adolescence. Hopefully he'll find some direction in his life, and work it out.
It sounds like malt liquor is not really what's bothering you - maybe it's just one of the few things in his life you feel like you can have any effect on. If your kids aren't familiar with the associations of malt liquor, then they won't judge your brother about it. And if they somehow do, then you'll be there to mediate that. If him drinking malt liquor from a cup is that important to you, do what you think is right, but the heart of the matter is that you're concerned about him and the direction his life is going in. However he takes his 40 oz., it won't really make a dent in that, will it?
My brother is working really hard now to advance at his job, and either go to school or start his own business. He's taking care of his son, and being a generally well-functioning member of the family. It took years, but this is where he is now - he had to come to it in his own time. Think about how much your life has changed since you were 22. Do what you can, and stay hopeful.
I wish you and your family all the best!
Atena
- -- Revolution begins before birth.
- -- Radical parenting can save our species.The Double Agents: Blogging Mamalife, Creativity & the Human Condition
Interesting. At 27, I stopped using "girl" when thinking or talking about myself. I felt that woman was finally more appropriate.
and that he starts waking up around 25, my momma friends keep reminding me how young he is, but I was in such a different place at that age it is hard for me to understand. I had already completed two college degrees, and he can't quite manage to understand that he needs to wake up every morning, wash his ass and get functional!
" However he takes his 40 oz., it won't really make a dent in that, will it?"
No it won't make a dent it, but it is just one of those small things that is a constant reminder. I am concerned about him and where he is going and I have voiced it to him several times, and he thinks I know nothing, of course. The 40oz argument is just one that I thought served as a really great metaphor for our entire relationship with each other. He also knows that me complaining about the 40oz is not just about what he drinks it out of, which is why he gets so angry when I say anything about it.
and he should respect you.
I totally understand the symbolism and what it represents to your kids too.
He is probably defensive bc he knows he is a disappointment, and that is what it represents to him.
SF
The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men - Martin Luther King, Jr.
Sunflower the unflower
well in my experience - my 40 oz drinkin experience - we used to joke the shit tastes better in a bag... do people cover their 40 oz cuz it's illegal to be drinking in public?
i understand you wanting him to drink in a cup - i deal with alcohol use, abuse and glamorization of it all cringe-ing-ly and often. liquor advertising works - the later their brain is poisoned with that bs, the later it'll be when they start drinking.
owning/renting a place that has a tempermental sliding door should be OBEYED. 'nuff said. 
***Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.
***
Simon's Countdown
a hipmama quote of the week Velma! That is hilarious.
That's deep, Freedamomma. maybe you should try telling him how you feel. He's your baby brother, but he is also a man. Don't underestimate his capacity for understanding how you feel.
and yeah he should respect your space, period!
Navigation
Who's online
Who's New
- BeachBunny
- gayle.mallinger
- Mamapocket
- mjcwriter
- addie smith
" Its just not becomming. Its not a beer either its three, so it should be put into a cup if you are actualy claiming to buy it for economical purposes than. I mean I don't drink pop from a two liter."
I am actually going to say this the next time we argue. No one drinks pop from a two liter.