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last child support check till......?Placenta Mom is still freaking about the return of the X. At least I got one last child support check from him, from his last job. I don't know if he's going to collect unemployment, I don't know if he's coming to the Bay Area. I know nothing. I've spent the past week fretting about this, and I finally feel that I have the beginnings of a plan of action. Okay, I'm going to treat him like any other person who might hang out with my kids. Usually people who do that ask me things like whether my kids are vegetarian, what their bedtimes are, etc. But, he won't, so I'm going to draw up a document that will list specifics (and I will have him sign it and get it notarized). When 13 was a little baby, I left the X and lived with my mom. X and I reconciled after a while, and my therapist at the time mentioned that I was probably going to have a hard time letting go of the control I had over my kid--sharing parenting, you know. She intimated, and I took it to mean, that I had to let go, and that I had to allow him to parent in any old way. WRONG. I did, though, cuz I thought that was how you were supposed to do it. Now I know better. I am the authority on my kids. I raise them, I clothe them and feed them and care for them in times of illness and crisis. I know them. I think past my own needs and wants, and past today. I think about their schooling--now, high school, college (13 wants to get a Ph.D.), and their lives as adults. The X only thinks about how much money "I" am "taking" from "him". Or how much I am demanding from him. He has no concept of what I do, what I give up, or what rests on my (broad, did you see the pic? All that housecleaning has provided me with a built upper body) shoulders. So, what? I don't have to get him to see my side, or acknowledge all I do. It's just business, baby. __________________
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i'm not divorced
but dh defers to me. if it comes down to one of us calling a shot, it's me. i had to tell him once when he called when i was out at a buddhist sewing (long story) practice, that it's ok for him to decide for himself if dd earned her tv show that day. he CAN make a decision or two. but it's true, the parent who knows the kids best is the final authority. he answers to me.
i like that other mama's suggestion, let 13 know what the deal is. give her a cell phone, explain why you want her in a helmet, etc. she will listen. i did when i got a similar talk from my mom.
"You know, I could write a book and this book would be thick enough to stun an ox." - Laurie Anderson
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
Rely on 13 a little
I have a 13 and an equally clueless (if more generous) ex also. When she's with her dad, my 13 has to be a little more independent and self-regulating than most kids her age. If you and your 13 (a girl, I think?) have a good relationship, you can say to her something like, "I know you love your dad, and have a blast hanging out with him, but part of the reason for that is that he doesn't impose bedtimes, vegetable comsumption, regular bathing, etc. on you and your siblings. Much as it may seem like those things are a pain in the ass, they are necessary, and I need you to keep them in mind while you're having fun." Then talk specifics--like how little brother (sorry, PlacentaMom, I don't remember the makeup of your family in terms of ages, genders, etc, so I'm making stuff up) goes nuclear if he doesn't eat by 10 a.m. Or how 13 should take a supply of pads or tampons so Dad doesn't freak out if she gets her period. Stuff like that. Then remind her of your rules--no skateboarding without a helmet, whatever. She knows that you'll know if rules (or limbs) get broken. The other thing is to assure her that if she ever feels freaked out by something that's going on, you'll drop what you're doing and pick them up. Get 13 a one time use cell phone in case of emergency if you can afford it.
It sounds like a lot of responsibility, and not a lot of fun, but it's also empowerment for 13. And empowerment is better than being uncomfortable and freaked out in circumstances that are alien or frightening.
Yeah, you have to be the hard-ass, but that also makes you your kids' rock, and that makes it all worthwhile.
Sorry to have gone on so looooong, but I've totally been there.
Lastly, YAY on the book work. Tell me how/where you find the time, and more importantly, the discipline. I always seem to revert to pretzels and a Law & Order rerun, cuz that's all my brain wants to handle.
Good for you!
You're right, you know, about the whole being the authority on your kids. But then you do know!
gonna slap you.
I am glad you are writing a b
I am glad you are writing a book, because I always find what you have to say riveting.
What struck me about your statement on your children--caring for them, always thinking past your own needs--that is love; that is mama love. That being said, I am glad you are searching for ways to find time for yourself. I think that's the best way to keep up the strength in being a mama, to find time for yourself. Hope your writing is going well. God knows I have to get back to that myself (maybe I need to take some of my own advice).
You rock!
What can I say? Sorry about the cliche but it just fits. Why does an ex typically only see the financial side of things? As if money can ever equate time and love.