Late again, so little time to log on lately! I just want to give you a big hug...I saw an episode of Oprah a while ago, the promo show for Diary of A Mad Black Woman, and I felt like crying when she expressed how much she enjoyed the film for showing "black folks doing normal stuff that we all do - that's right America, we go out to dinner, we go to the bank!" (I'm paraphrasing...) but it was a strong, sad point - most of white America can't even picture people of color doing the mundane, because they never see it. That's sick. The "Strong Black Woman" myth really reminds me of the one my mislead 70s feminist Mom fed me my whole childhood - the "You can have it all - career, family and politics" myth. NO, you can't. It's why Gloria Steinem didn't marry until she was in her 50's! She has long been credited with this myth, and still defends herself from it, saying "I never said that, in fact I'm the one that said you CAN"T!" I think lots of women of our generation suffer from this myth, and can relate to what you're talking about if they think about how we're now expected to be great mothers, partners and careerists, seamlessly, with a smile. I have never believed in the SBW, she's iconic, like you said, like the NWL, and when you have lots of family and friends of color, they are just that, stereotypes. I am hurting over the many times I've seen what Trula is talking about played out. I'm thinking of all the times I've put members of our (black)Muslim activist community in a room with our mostly white Green Party so they can merge agendas. Once I held an educational meeting in my home where I had an involved black mother who went from being a volunteer to becoming a teacher to protect her 3 sons in their school, and a community education program director to talk to GP members about what's going on in our schools, especially in regards to black children being treated badly, and the only black member of GP didn't come, saying something like she didn't want to sit around and listen to stereotypes about her community...sigh. And I understood. Those were my only attempts to try to educate GP about what the REAL issus in our city are, and it was interesting to see who listened, and who reacted. I was pleased that alot of people listened. It was sad that most of the older people ( the 45-65 folks, white men) reacted, and behaved the way you described, as though my activist friends were angry loud black folks...and ps, should we NOT be angry when we're talking about how a segment of our neighbors aren't getting adequate education and access to healthcare because of the color of their skin?! I'm rambling, but I want to say that it's so important that we keep talking about this with each other, and our friends and family around the dinner table and on the bus stop. I get to have interesting conversations on both sides, because white folks assume I'm all white, and black folks assume I'm mixed, and one of them... so I often get the "YOU know how it is" ( or" you know how white people are", more often than not) party line from both sides, and end up having to try to be this diplomat building bridges most times. Sometimes I'm tired of it. ALL the women in my life are strong. And vulnerable, and shy, and sensitive, and loud and angry, and wonderful and beautiful, and broken, and stressed and so many other things. Maybe we just need to call a spade a spade more often, and say to people "When are you going to see me as a whole person, with all the same feelings and complexities as you, instead of a cartoon or mythical icon?" just before we walk away.

There is going to be a PARTY of bacteria in the bottom of my shoe!! -Astrid, Age 5

i want to thank freedamomma for bringing up this topic and trula for adding her experience.

i want to let you all know that for me, moving to this area was quite an enlightening experience as well. i grew up in the sticks, among pie-faced crackers. and for a long time i too had an impression of black women as tough and intimidating. moving here, where there are more people of color, i was disappointed in the separation that exists between white and black people, despite the diversity in the community, at least that's how it is here. it reminds me of what rosie perez said once on oprah. there was this internalized racism in her, she believed maybe not that she was inferior, but that "their world" was inaccessible to her. she was defensive, never the first to say hi to a white chick, putting on a tough stance and making them approach her as a defense mechanism. she talked about how she didn't even know it was there till she was in therapy or something. it seemed to jibe with what i was experiencing in dd's school, where most of the mothers are black and single. there's a separation here, probably like everywhere. pta mothers look down their noses at mothers who don't have a lot of time to volunteer, etc. some of them would come out with comments like you describe, seeming to actually believe that they're paying a compliment. it never seemed insulting as all hell and it made me sad to see these women just take it. well anyway, rosie perez would be delighted to know i started to try harder and be the first to say hi and all that, make more of an effort despite my shyness, and i found these women to be receptive and one degree of that separation came down. but yeah, i think that perception of the "strong" which really means "tough" which really means "hard to handle" is a hurtful stereotype. i guess all stereotypes are hurtful. but one could go on and on about where it comes from. what about black women's lives necessitates extra strength? often, creating the appearance of strength fends off people who may want to fuck with you, so why would that be necessary?

i think we all carry these images with us about what the world thinks we should be, and it can be a real source of pain for a lot of people. a lot of the hipmamas talk about not fitting into the mother mold, whatever that means for them, and that's very real. i think too that the treatment i got recently at dd's school had a lot to do with these images of what a mother should look and act like and my failure to adhere.

i really like your quote, "i rarely, if ever 'tell it like it is'" something about that really strikes me funny.

"You know, I could write a book and this book would be thick enough to stun an ox." - Laurie Anderson

Thank you for openning my eyes again, Freedamomma.

i have noticed that the people who have called me 'strong' are the exact same people who will pile the shit on that requires me to act strong in order to survive. The people who expect me to be 'nice' are the people who treat me in such a not nice way.

It is yet another label to "keep the woman down!" Seriously, it is another way that womena re made to alter themselves to either fit or compensate for thier "appropriate" behaviors. it is trying and ridiculously impossible to fit a label, especially oneas degrading adn unrealistic as "strong black woman or nice white lady. Like the previous black women were weak? Or the previous white women were mean?
I am sorry you have to deal with additional burndens to your life due to others idiocy.
You should come live wtih me in my nice little bubble where everyone is nice to each other and all colorc are seen and celebrated. *sigh*

Oh yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I got into it with a co-worker over this last week. I was talking with another co-worker about marriage and stuff, he has 3 kids by 2 mothers, never married. He expressed the desire to marry before he had more children. His main reason being that it was so hard for him and his kids that they couldn't live together. I agreed with him, and expressed how hard being a single mother was for me. This other co-worker jumped in with all that' you're a strong black woman' nonsense and was completely taken aback when I forcefully said no I'm not!! I asked him, do you really think that black women are genetically stronger than other women, physically, emotionally, whatever, so much more than other women that we don't need husbands/partners in raising our kids? And pray tell, do you honestly think black children don't need an involved father?he of course said well that's not what I meant. I mean that as a black woman you have a historical legacy of being able to deal with a tremenous amount of stress. I said hmph, please understand that what you believe is a myth, a stereotype, and completely untrue. We are not superwomen, we have been and continue to be broken by stress, even killed by stress caused from believeing we are 'Strong Black Women'.It's such obvious bullshit I cannot believe that this is a cultural myth we even sorta 'value' in our communities. Black women suffer from depression more than other women in americaBlack women suffer physical illness as a result of stress more so than other women in americaThe rates of suicide among black women have actually risen in the past decade while going down among other racial/ethnic groups in america

trula mama zine * for the kiddies
Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art~don Miguel Ruiz

strong black women and nice white women, both. they both make me sad. they both try to fit these ridiculous roles that they see in waiting to exhale or some crap. typing is hurtful, because it denies the person the understanding and respect they need, and the typor (typist?) the experience of knowing a full person with fears, concerns, beauty and depth. i really think they're internalizing the leave it to beaver model, they're getting it from tv and movies. i'm somewhat ostracized in my community for being who i am and couldn't change even if i tried. sometimes i get the feeling that these women, the aforementined "nice white women" who've never heard the word fuck and wouldn't know what to do if you said it to them, just want me to try. try to change who you are, we don't care if you succeed, look at us, none of us succeed, just please try to fit the mold, so we know we're doing the right thing by changing ourselves. sorry lady, can't help you there.

"You know, I could write a book and this book would be thick enough to stun an ox." - Laurie Anderson

This is beautiful...and something I've talked about with a couple of friends before. I can see how this would be passive agreesive and how it would make you feel like your feelings are not being acknowledged. How freaking frustrating!
I don't really have any wonderful insights, just wanted to share that there are others who wonder about this and that I thought your writing rocks.

Adults ought to skip more often. -Anna Maxted

especially in light of raising a child of color...i think it's society's way of denying the complex nature of your/her womanhood in a very passive aggressive way. you hit the nail on the head, and i just had to respond. i totally see the stereotype and i think you are dead on, per usual, woman.