So tell me what a heathy relationship looks like.
I want to know.
Y'know, for reference.
C'mon, mamas. If you've got something that's working, spill it.
It doesn't matter if you're married, cohabitating, separate and coparenting, polyamorous, just a coupla bed buddies, any combination thereof, whatever.
Give me real-life examples.
gonna slap you.
He makes me feel safe. He is not jealous of my relationships with other people. He trusts me completely. He is proud of me. He holds me in the night. He makes me tea when I am cold and sometimes just because. He talks to me. He compliments me. With him I am never afraid. He stops when I say no. Even when he is trembling and hard as a rock. When I say yes he is gentle and ardent and overwhelms me; I sometimes lose my senses. He laughs at my goofy jokes. His eyes light up when he sees me. He doesn't blame me or bring up my past mistakes, he believes that I am trying to change/work on my issues. He is trying to change/work on his own issues. He tells me I am a great mom. He is a great dad. He listens to me.We are a team. We makes plans together. We both know we've messed up our money and we're getting it together as a team. We discuss our parenting, we present a united front to our kids. We like to be together, after 9 years we still have plenty of things to say to one another. We support each other in all that we do. He reads my work and tells me I am a good writer. He smells my feet after I go running and tells me he loves me anyway, which makes me laugh every time. He sometimes cleans up after himself, sometimes not. Either way he doesn't hassle me about housework. He holds me when I cry. He hardly ever cries but when he feels sad he leans into me and I hold him tight. We can tell each other anything; dreams, nightmares, fantasies and fears. Sometimes I take off my clothes and look in the mirror and feel flabby and gross and ashamed of my shape, then I turn around and he says WOW you are fine and I look back in the mirror and see yes indeed I am the fine woman I see reflected in his eyes. He is my rock. He feels like my home.
trula mama zine|email group|personal site
Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art~don Miguel Ruiz
Do you think your man would be willing to clone himself? Because, damn, that sounds awesome. He sounds like a really wonderful guy and a great husband. I hope I'm lucky enough to meet someone who so loves and respects me someday.
You will, Selahsmom! You are a great catch and when Mr. right comes along he will know it and snatch you right up!! trula mama zine|email group|personal site
Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art~don Miguel Ruiz
so affectionately of your man too. it's so pleasant to hear...in this day and age of tv sitcoms...where all you hear is husbands and wives being mean and disrespectful to each other (in the name of comedy of course)...it's so nice to hear people speaking genuinely sweetly about their partners.
i think it's so important for children to hear / see adults being positive...how many children grow up never hearing their mamas and papas saying sweet things about each other?
i'm getting a little off topic...it's late
Is he sensitive and kind?
Does he mean what he says?
He makes you laugh you say, but will the laughter turn toward you?
Does he ever make you feel alone when you are in his presence?
Does he touch you tenderly and mean it?
Is he interested in the editorial page of the newspaper? If not, will he tolerate your reading them aloud?
Does he talk to you?
Do you feel beautiful to him even when your body changes?
Is he disgusted at the mention of menstruation?
Have you seen him be cruel?
Does he hug his mother?father?you?
Does he say "Thank you"?
Is he more interested in what you give him, or what he gives you?
Has he made you afraid? * ANY man who feels free to poke, push, pinch, shove, grab, or otherwise physically dominate you will also not respect your ideas/opinions regarding: politics, feminism, motherhood, childbearing, sexuality, your role in the home, or your idea of financial equality/security.
When a man wants to go to bed with you, are you sure that after leaving the space BESIDE you, he will stand up WITH you? If not, he is not worthy of you.
my DH asks my opinion. He listens to me and values what I say. I can count on one hand the number of times (in 10 or 11 yrs, i can't ever remember) that he's raised his voice at me. We laugh together. He ACTIVELY supports my decisions. I am a valued partner and friend. He smiles at me. He lets me drive. He lets me boss him (and likes it). Right before we fall asleep, he tells me how bored he'd be if I wasn't so {bitchy, loud, rowdy, antithesis of passive}. Every morning before he leaves for work, he wakes me up and kisses me good-bye, that he's going to work and he'll see me later. He cries. He tells me that he appreciates me. He buys me Gatorade at the convenience store without me asking. He surprises me with his intensity sometimes. He calls to "ask me" before going out with the boys, or accepting invitations to anything. He kisses me/hugs me/holds my hand in front of our kids. He tells me he loves me and means it. I am adored.
That is just wonderful. I wish I'd had a copy of this list in my teens...
_________
"It takes a village, people!"
- Carson Kressley
I am really enjoying reading these - and I like this list:)
and save it for if i ever have a daughter some day. great list of things to think about.
Well, he drives me bats sometimes, but I believe we have an overall healthy relationship. How did we get so lucky? Here's what I think:
- Contrasting, yet complimentary fighting styles. I'm dramatic and he's stoic. And his stoicism quells the drama, so any potential toaster-throwing is nipped in the bud.
- We apologize to each other. We admit when we're wrong.
- We coupled in our late 20s after years of sex 'n' drama with a colorful cast of characters. Wild oats have been considerably sown. We were both really ready to settle down, and since we both wanted the same thing, it went smoothly.
- As big of a pain-in-the-patootie he can be, he really does listen to me. He really is trying to be a good husband/father, and he takes constructive criticism without being a baby about it (usually).
- I (ususally) can translate my complex whirlwind of feelings into "man-ease" for him. I'll tell him, spell out what I need, even when it seems totally f*cking obvious to me. It's *rarely* obvious to him, but if I tell him, then I usually get what I need.
- We have important things in common. Similar attitudes about politics, religion, etc.
- We have unimportant things in common. Similar attitudes about music, movies, books, tv, etc.
it's funny how TOTALLY different relationships work just as well!! DH and I are TOTAL opposites...I'm Green, he's a Bushlican..I'm loud, he's quiet until he has something to say...I love socializing, he's a homebody...I love to read, he's learning to love it...he likes stuff like Smashing Pumpkins, Led Zepplin, Black Crows, I like the Indigo Girls, Sarah McLachlin, Dixie Chicks...I was WILD in High School and College, he's responsible to the nth degree....gosh, it's a miracle we've made it this far...H.S sweethearts who had DS#1 and then grew up together HAHA we love each other though..and we seem to balance each other out..he helps me prioritize what to FREAK about, and I give him pointers on how to call the school and not be "clerked" and given the run-around...ahhhh I love it
out! She was a pot-smokin hippy and he was a State Trooper when they met! 
Still night and day, but they adore each other, and try to compromise on some things, and leave others completely alone. I sometimes think those marriages are the most interesting. One of my hs Musical Theatre teachers was an accomplished professional Tony Award wining actress and recording artist who was obsessed with literature, and happily married for over 20 years to an Auto Mechanic who hated theatre, television and books, but loved to hear her sing at home, and adored her for her, not her big talent and career. She adores him right back, and doesn't need him to be anything but him - so romantic to me! Me and dh are WAY too much alike for our own goods sometimes!
I never gave them hell, I just tell the
truth and they think it's hell.
Truman, 1956
It's really fun and sometimes really hard, but I appreciate who he is as a person....if I were with someone like myself??? WW4 I tell you ..I'm a BIG pain in the ass and I wouldn't put up with myself most times...it wouldn't last a minute.
I have never really thought about why things have gone so well for 9 years with my husband.
I would have to agree that getting married at 27(me)/32 (him) has helped by way of dating many others and finding out what we would not tolerate.
He brings me a latte in bed when he wakes up before I do. He is an avid gardener (horticulturist by education) but lets me decide what I want to plant in our garden..... we share the driving, the housework, the baby and the dogs...all equally although since I have been home the fair share goes to me. He comes home from work and gives me a kiss, and does not let me leave the house without saying "I love you"...he picks up our baby girl and looks at her with such love...I never thought I would share his love with anyone else so willingly.
He has put up with my parents for 3 whole weeks...and been great about it. He drinks tea - and makes me tea. He cleans up after I cook dinner - every night!
He took this month off for paternity leave "when will I ever get this opportunity to spend this special time with my baby girl?" was his question to me.
He askes my opinion and actually listens. He calls me and asks if it is ok to go out for drinks after work once a month. He holds me when I feel awful - he makes me feel safe. He is fun to travel with. He knows all the names of the plants/animals when we go on a hike..and if he does not, he says he will look them up..and he does!. He is tall, and handsome. Sometimes I wonder why I ever got so lucky.
Excuse me ladies..I need to go upstairs and give my man a huge hug.
you write about him so lovingly...it's so nice to hear/read. did you read this to him?
I need to hear your stories badly. It's really good for perspective. I would not chime in at all on this one, cause we're working on issues, and we fight alot, but then I read what some of you write, and it's all stuff my man is or does, and maybe I just don't appreciate all the good in him enough...in some ways I am really lucky, in others, no other woman would put up with his shit. We have a working, dysfunctional marriage, I guess.
I never gave them hell, I just tell the
truth and they think it's hell.
Truman, 1956
I was going to post the same. I was going to say thank you to all the Mamas for reminding me how to appreciate my husband and my relationship. I am suffering from a serious case of seething just under the surface Bitter Bitch syndrome which is causing me to be less than loving to my DH right now, although I am sure he has no idea just exactly why I am being this way, or just exactly (I'm just as smart as you are, why is it that you are making so much more money than I probably will ever make in my life? Why doesn't motherhood pay more? I am so wrapped up in my childhood issues -that I know you will probably die- like my father did- and leave me with nothing- and then I will have to go work ninety hours a week, become an alcoholic, and act like a complete fool like my mother did! Why do you have parents and I don't? Why do we still live in Texas? Why do you have a successful career doing what you always wanted while it has taken me ten years to get anywhere and I was the one who graduated first?Everything is your fault, including the fact that you have a faster metabolism than I do and I had to just sit here and watch you eat three double fudge chocolate brownies while I sip herbal tea so I can lose the rest of the weight from the children that you had to do relatively nothing to bring onto this planet!!! I hate you for being happy. I hate you for being calm. And the fact that you are sitting there smiling sweetly at me is just enraging me further however I know I'm being irrational so I'll just smile at you and continue to type on the computer...)
A healthy relationship however, in mind involves realizing you have issues, and trying to figure out what is inside you that is causing you to have negative feelings, and trying your best not to take it out on the other person, instead of walking away and dumping all your shit on them when it really has nothing to do with them. So I think Filmama...just the fact that you are acknowledging that you might be being not so nice makes your shit kinda functional. Am I making any sense at all?
Hipmama Quote of the Week:
"She actually begged me to act normal on several occasions."
-Lady Kaboom
"But is it my manner that keeps her from hearing, or the threat of a message that her life may change?"
-Audre Lorde
I've REALLY been trying to wrap my brain around this thread...I think I am in a very healthy relationship...but...I don't always think I am that "healthy"...(passive aggressive..dwelling on past mistakes..blah, blah, blah). But what you said FM about realizing you have issues and trying to figure them out , and communicating about them with ones partner, that to me is what is healthy about us. and I have learned this from the man. I have learned just to say it, just try to get to the heart of what is tormenting me, and he helps, he so perceptive. I'll be all closed off, grumpy, short tempered and he'll say " why do you think you are having trouble being productive, what can I do to help you be productive?" Me...didn't even realize that's what was making me crazy. and even though there really isn't anything he can do about getting me over my intense procrastination, just his offer of help brings me relief. and then I can say "I think I am having trouble working because I am afraid I'm not very good at this" (this is just today's situation....I'm not very good at calling up people i don't know and setting up appointments to try to get people to support a project I'm doing...so I'll take 4 days to write a simple cover letter and huff around the house for those four days because I can't seem to make my brain work...) Patience is a huge part of our healthy relationship, and most important to both of us right now, non-violent non hurtful words.
someone tell me too.
i think healthy is overrated. takes all the fun out. i like to indulge in a good fight every now and then, try weird shit every now and then....
perfectly imperfect, that's how i put it. i don't expect perfection, i don't have any clear lines in the sand, i just go day by day, knowing it's important to both of us. that's all i want, so i guess we qualify. ha! he'll laugh so hard when i tell him.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
I probably need to do this for a reminder...
My DH is the first guy that I ever met who was stable and made me feel safe. We met in our mid- 20's and both had played the field quite a bit, I moved in to his house on our 3rd date. I have never met anyone that works as hard as he does, he will work 80 hours a week if that is what needs to be done. Granted we own our own welding business but 80+ hours of hard physical labor is a lot. Since I have been prego and sick he has not given me any grief about how gross the house is or how I have not been going to the shop.
I know that no matter what happens he will always make sure that our family is well provided for, for the first time in my life I do not feel the world on my shoulders alone. I know that even if we split our kids would never have to wonder where there dad is and I would never be a 'single' parent. And coming from a 3x divorced mother that is an amazing feeling.
When we met I was the first girl he had ever gone out with that was not 'girlie' and he loves that about me. He never thinks that I can't do anything that he can do, and he is the handiest guy I have ever met. And I worship his skills and ability to figure anything out when it comes to mechanics and stuff.
My DH loves me for who I am, and I am not the easiest person to be around all of the time. And I love him to death even though he can get on my nerves.
I think the reason it works for us is that we are not materialistic people and just want a good life and even though we do well financially we do not make that who we are. We respect each others views and try not to fight over trivial things. I would be a fighter if it was not for him, he just does not like to fight and has taught me that it is not worth it. If we are pissed we talk about it and usually figure out that we both have issues and we try and work them out.
My real mother died a few years back and I had not seen her in 4 years. My dh, bf at the time flew back to Ny with me to take care of things and funeral. I had to clean out her apartment and none of her family would help. My brother had been living with her and was a wreck, he had been taking care of her for so long that he had no life and did not know how to have one. My DH was a rock, he helped us clean out the grossest apartment, plan the funeral and just stood by me the whole time. Then when it came time to leave he said that my brother should come and live with us until he got on his feet. I still do not know what I would have done if he had not been there.
First kiddo due in December!
but a few years ago I watched one of those news programs like Dateline or 48 Hours on this very topic and they found that in all of the long-term relationships they studied, the husband was very adoring of his wife; much more so than the wife was of her husband. The men could not fathom a life without their wives, but the women were not as dependant on the men. It wasn't that the women didn't love their husbands, it was just that they were more down to earth about their marriage and relationship. I hope I explained that so it makes sense!
When did the lemons learn the same creed as the sun?
When did smoke learn how to fly?
--Pablo Neruda
This is interesting when you think about old couples and how when the wife dies the husband often dies within a short time but the wife who loses her husband will live for years quite independently. And also about the statistics that show that single men have much shorter lifespans than married men but married women have shorter lifespans than single women.
hmmmmm.
ml
I am trying, I swear.
He is funny, and smart. He has a work ethic. He cleans up all the time. He puts out my son's clothes for school the next day. He is watching the fusser right now for me as I am printing some stuff out for my paper. He reminds me when S is going to his real dad's house for the weekend, and says he is going to miss him. He can be very kind and sweet. He wonders about people and the world and their motivations, and is bothered by injustice. He tells me he loves me. He thinks I am sexy. He wants to be a good dad and a good husband, (most of the time).
SF
Everything that is done in the world is done by hope - Martin Luther
Sunflower the unflower
Duplicate
You said
"He puts out my son's clothes for school the next day."
He is a good one. Keep this one at all costs. Clone him and sell him at Target. It's the little things that tell so much about a person's character.
Hipmama Quote of the Week:
"She actually begged me to act normal on several occasions."
-Lady Kaboom
Reading all of these posts brought tears to my eyes...
I have been with my husband for over 8 years. It works for us, although, I think there are a lot of people who would say they couldn't be in a relationship with *either* of us.
My husband always makes me feel like I always comes first for him. I feel important to him. I feel like our family is important to him.
My husband makes me feel cherished. He does lots of little things to make me feel like that. He smiles at me almost every time I enter the room. Most nights, I go to bed before he does and so he tucks me into bed. He fluffs my pillows and gets me a glass of water.
My husband is very Type A. He's a smart guy. He has a short fuse. All of this combines and he can be very caustic. He almost always expects the worst.
Conversely, I always expect the best. My fuse is long and slow to burn. I am usually even tempered and am very outgoing.
I am a big picture kind of a girl. I work hard to make things warm and comfortable and special in our home.
I'm pragmatic. I'm pratical.
I point this stuff out, because I guess you could say we kind of balance one another out. But it is subtle. Our communication could be better (whose couldn't?) but our goals are the same. We both want our family to be the solid core and the center of our foundations.
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