Hurdles and hoops
Today I am going to what I hope to God & The Universe is my very last mediation session. It is derailing any attempt to concentrate on anything else today, as it always does. My palms are sweaty.
I know in my heart that leaving was the right decision, and I am better off not married to this man. I am sad about this. I would like to be wrong, I think. I miss the *idea* of a supportive partner, a man (or woman) I can talk to sans the petty scorekeeping that makes it impossible to cooperate. Everyone could see it, apparently, so they tell me now that it's over.
I feel the hot-faced bad-mother shame on my face whenever I have to tell someone who hasn't talked to me in a while that I separated from him, and then explain what joint custody means. Yes, it means that sometimes the mama doesn't have her kid. Stop acting so shocked, I want to say. He's got a good daddy. I didn't lose my son.
Why the hell do I come into work at all when I have mediation?
It makes me nervous even though my son's dad and I are getting along OK these days. And do I really want it over? I don't know, but I think I need it over.
...And then there's this job that I am in the running for that I haven't mentioned for fear of jinxing it. I have interviewed with two people, they have called all my references (one of whom accidentally gave the impression I make even less than what I actually do - ugh), and called this morning as I was biking in, late (of course), asking me to come meet the Exec. Director this morning, which I had to politely beg off of owing to mediation today (I used the word "appointment"). I told them any time tomorrow was doable. I so desperately want to not screw this up. Please offer me a job. Please please please. And please offer me enough money to say yes without hesitation.
I am jumping, dodging, walking on eggshells, on the edge of my seat.
gonna slap you.
i think that in your position, once my ex and i started to get along as exes... i would be attracted to him again. i just know it. it takes a lot of strength to do what you're doing. hope you get the job.
"I've done a lot of things in my life I ain't too proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting." - Mo Szyslak
That's the first order of business. Good call on rescheduling your meeting with the exec. Who can hold a conversation when some stranger is deciding on your future within the next couple of hours?
Can I ask how you came across your mediator? I need to formalize my separation but don't know where to start other than calling a lawyer.
By the way, you aren't obligated to explain your situation to anyone. If people ask, say that it was a mutual decision based on various reasons that you just don't want to get into. As for the joint custody, I think you eluded to this but perhaps your ex would be a good since he's on his own and can't use you as a crutch? I personally think that my dd will be and is happier because her mom is happy. And I have a feeling that her relationship with my ex will be for the better since he has to take ownership of his actions with her. Does that make sense?
Hope today and tomorrow go your way.
on the job, and the mediation. i feel like i understand where you are coming from, even though bd and i aren't to that point yet (still living together). we have been getting along a lot better lately and i find myself thinking, what if it worked out? i totally understand the *idea* of a parnter and holding onto that. i know i am still holding on to it and feeling conflicted. anyway, sending you good vibes for all things. don't worry about work today - just coast through it.
In both the job prospect and the mediation... Sounds like this is a tough time. Hang in there.
Good Luck To You, Lady K. I hope it all goes your way!
using a mediator as opposed to a lawyer?
lawyers deliberately accomplish little in their meetings, racking up billable hours.... sorry you lawyer mamas... just my experience.
it's worth it then. probably harder, but worth it.
Hope it's all over soon! One more to go! Any major resolutions yet?
I never gave them hell, I just tell the
truth and they think it's hell.
Truman, 1956
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The next one's the last session.
It's very helpful to our relationship to have a common enemy in our incredibly crappy mediator.