I have been doing lots of thinking and reading and re-evaulating.
I have had a difficult year; I want a NICE Holiday season. I do not want perfect; I do not want anything I have to work at. I do not want to be let down and I know about how setting unrealistic expectations is what causes the being let down feeling. I have learned this long ago. I have shifted my expectations and desires every year and I have dealt better as time goes by.
This year-- oh this year, sigh.
I do want something deep and I do want something meaningful, in a different way. Because i am with someone wonderful.
I am dealing with things; today is the 9th anniversary of my mother's death (& I am doing really good considering), I miss my Grandmother as well & she is one more person I can NOT call, my middle daughter still won't talk to me or come to visit & no one knows what her issue is, this is the first year I have to handle sharing my oldest daughter with another family (her bf's), the chaos of living in the midst of packed moving boxes & uncertainty, AND I thought we were going to have a lousy Christmas gift wise after really doing well up to this point (the super ass suckiest part of the whole move bs was that I actually had saved some $300 and if it had not been for lame ass ex being over half short with child support & daughter's short checks we would have had some nice extra this month -- i had been scrimping to get that much ahead of time for gifts, so it was really fucked when everyone else came up so short & I had to use that money) BUT I am soo wonderfully overwhelmed by everyone's Love & generosity & it still makes me want to cry in a great way.
My first stress free part of the holiday plan is -- no cooking a traditional Christmas Eve or Day dinner or meal. The kids & I discussed maybe chicken dumplings & rice instead of turkey et al. I am thinking a new recipe combing my dumplings with Mr's paprikash since they are so similar in ingredients anyway.
My second stress free part of this year is ---- no tree. I think. #1 I don't have it in me to be that clever right now (if you do not recall or know, Santa brings our tree late Xmas Eve after all children are sleeping -- and so it has to be hidden somewhere up till that point & it means a very late night for Ms Claus and well NO not this year, kiddos) #2 - money issue #3 none us will even be waking up here #4 I have no fucking clue where any ornaments or decorations are anyway.
Next stress less item ion my list -- I am not wrapping most of the gifts, hell no. Eldest daughter was officially given elf duties a few years ago. Oh yes, I gladly give up that chore. I will wrap stuff for the daughters, but the rest is not my job no more.
More -- I am stating any intentions I have ahead of time and keeping them sooo simple this year. I have set a day with my youngest daughter & her bf to come down & have a day with me & dinner with us since we ill not see them on the actual days. My Mr knows I want to do the Christmas Eve service with him, spend the night & wake up there Christmas morning. And that has been agreed upon as well.
I think for now that is all I want.