Okay Mamas. I hope you are all sleeping sweetly. I am up with
my bleeding heart in my hands here...or so it feels, at 1 a.m. and g-damn the time change today. Can you believe- my son is almost 6 and with the divorce and all the back and forth and many many illnesses over these past few winters and changes etc... and an UNbelievably at times vindictive ex who at times would like to TAKE ME DOWN, I've let him keep his "paci" at night. I have a willful kid or maybe it's a tricky regulated kid- who for ex when we tried "cry it out" at 6 mos cried for 5 hours, then fell down in the crib, then cried 2 more hours. That was the end of that. I feel like he always wins when it comes to his demands around sleep, because I get to gdamn worn out and have too hard a job and too mnay responsibilities to miss WEEKS of sleep, and I mean WEEKS if i Try to change the status quo. I won't even get into how I a very healthy woman almost went nutso w/ his tsleep issues
the first 2.5 years of his life!! But cut to the present, his dad acts like everything is a total breeze w/ him at his house, and in fact I think it DOES look like that. I helped raise my stepson, my ex's older son, and in fact when he was w/ us he ws like some
angelic character in Andy Griffith show. UNREAL. Anytime he DID have a different idea or complaint he was SHUT UP. His dad does not tolerate ANY DIFFERENCE of opinion or need. SO he got my son OFF paci for 3 nights 2 weekends ago, beginning of
the "weaning" of it. He comes back to me, as if often the case, w/ a fresh cold and stressed. I try to continue the "plan." He starts getting hives every night, and dr examines himn and says he's got the beginning of an ear infection. I try to continue 'the plan." He goes to sleep fine w/ out paci but then is up at midnight WRITHING and screaming and have HUGE tantrum. Only time I've seen him act this way is w/ ear infection. But usually he is a super articulate kid, even at midnigh, about pain or whatever is going on. NOW HE WON'T SPEAK. Just screaming and even "goo goo gah gah." I am asking him 'Please are you in pain? Do you need medicine? Or is this missing Paci...?" I give him paci back 2-3 nights at that point exhausted and thinking he is maybe in pain and I'm not going to do this while he's in pain. But next day he tells me "I was not in pain at all, just miss paci...I want to do the plan when I'm over this cold." I supportively agree. So tonight he agrees at bedtimre let's try tonight. I give him lots of love and attn. He's getting hives at bedtime now, since "paci plan" but dr felt they might be related to the cold/virus. WTF. I can't figure anything out. So tonight I am beyond exhausted, sick-ish myself, big codl sore, too many clients, kids in big agony (clients) calling me even from college for help in ER as I"m trying to put him to bed w/ hives...for their "check in" but he's up 2 hours past bedtime because of the time change and hives, etc. I finally get him down. Watch some TV, relax a tiny bit. At midnight he's up WRITHING and screaming, won't let me hold him,m won't speak, won't tell me waht is going on. Nada. I make it okay if he misses paci, try to tell him it is okay to say he wants it. He finally does but is kicking etc. I tell him I'm going to hold you, help you all night if you need my help. I'm right here, it's okay...holding you... this feeling will pass...." etc. More writhing and screaming. On and on. Finally he's hitting his legs and I FINALLY (30 minutes into this) yell and say "STOP HITTING YOURSELF! THIS IS NOT OKAY!" and then he finally speaks and says 'YOU are a monster!!!! YOu are a monster!" and runs away from me. I go away and cry. It is too late to call anyone. Finally I go in the room and give him teh paci. This storm is too much for me. ANd i'm undone by his accusation which he could tell his dad which scares the hell out of me. I was a lvoing great mom all day, and through 1/2 hour of bloody murder screaming.
I feel like dog crap on the bottom of someone's shoe. I am demoralized.
This is the same kid that said to me two days ago sitting in a waitinbg room WAY to long for me, "I'm a Musa (his martial art)...I practive patience." He is FIVE! He is a great in school, totally loved, tons of friends, super loving, incredibly creative, articulate, wise... but has these times w/ me which just undo me. It is time to stop the paci but i'm telling you I feel like I go into the lion's mouth w/ this kid at times- it is so overwhelming.
Thanks. Please know I have a healthy great kid. But his sucks so badly.
Comments
Not about the paci
Wow- I thought I was an overwhelmed mom til I tuned in and read some hipmamas. You will get thru this and you're a great mom, maggles. FWIW, I don't think this is about the paci. I think it might be about your son needing to exert some control over his environment. At dad's house, dad exerts the control so there is no opportunity to act out. With mom, kids feel safe enough to pushpushpushpushpush and test boundaries and let all their crap out on you. If the price of getting the paci is screaming and calling you horrible names in the middle of the night, he is willing to pay it because it allows him to have control. Alas, this can't continue b/c you don't want to teach him that emotional manipulation is the key to happiness. That said, who gives a crap about taking away the paci? Let him be off it at dad's house and on it at yours. For now. Or not. The hives sound amazingly stress induced. B/c he has no control at dad's, he comes back stressed, as you said, sick and with hives. I'm kind of an anarchist mommy. When the rules or the plans don't work, throw them out. Cuddle with him in the middle of the night WITH the paci. Make deals, bargain. But decide what you are willing to do or not do and DO NOT BEND. If that means he keeps the paci for now, so be it. He'll have control and I'm betting the hives will disappear. I hope I'm not off the mark here - just speaking freely. My son didn't give up the paci till he was 3 1/2 and we had to poke a big fat hole in his last one so he hated it. Now he wakes up at all hours begging for me to sing to him. It's so *not* about the paci. Love your son. You're not a monster. He will get past this.
so hard
I would tell him it's time and take the pacifier away. It will be a hard week or two but I bet he'd get over it quicker than you think. you just have to be willing to endure the week of fits before he settles down and accepts it is big boy time. when he is screaming and acting the fool I wouldn't even mention the pacifier, just say No, no more when he demands it.
biz & etsy & books
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
~Jean Anouilh
good stuff
love this post! i'm sending big love to you mags, you are SOOO not a monster. totally agree it being about him having no control at dad's so he gets home and lets it all unravel and takes his stance with mom so he can get some control back. bless his heart with the hives. you need a bath and a footrub. hang in there dearest! this too shall pass. xo
Thank you!
:) Dear mamas
Thank you! Rebecca yr post about choosing my own bottom line and sticking to it really helped. I feel that my son who is super bright and sensittive and went back and forth starting at two REally needed the transitional objects I smartly shaped for him. He also truly has a delicate sleep system. And I let it go too long in part bc of changes a ex's life that shook things up and for awhile ex's attacks on me and no collaboration. Taking all this into account,forgiving myself, I tried to think what would feel compassionate but effective at e ding pack.in an earnest moment my son said to me "losing pack feels like I'm hearbroken" and I think as a transitional object it does! He's asleep in 2 mins a it. So today he comes back from a night at dads a no paci dad says totally uneventful. So tonight at bed huge sobbing writhing etc over paci. After 30 mins full tilt he sobbed can have it a few mins just to calm down. I said sure and reiterated you can lie with me on couch and watch tv. I will be a you and support u all night. So he had paci for 5 mins then came and cuddled a me on couch and after half hr fell asleep a out paci. During that half hr we talked and he said I love you so much will you rub my toesies? And mama I wish you took it away when I was littler. He fell asleep 1.5 hrs late but in a good place sans paci. We are entering latency phase- no longer a little little boybig for both of us. Thank you hogs love you and for all you mamas. It's so not easy alone and a ex who attimes tries to use my sons upsets against me. And I know in my heart therevis a huge split in that as my son says "daddy does not like big feelings" and I'm the one to guide on being compassionately messily beautifully human. So. Btw computer crashed so typed on itouch so prey so choppy! Feeling loved and seen tonight by sister therapist you!!! Thank u.
hooray!
Thx for the update and glad to hear things are a little calmer this week. When he says "I wish you took it away when I was littler" he is *totally* handing the reigns to you, so you can know in your heart that he trusts his mama. There will be times he needs to be in charge and times, at this age it would be most times, that he needs you to be in charge. The nasty bit of parenting, I think, is knowing the difference between those times and picking your battles wisely. An hour and a half extra to go to sleep certainly beats an hour and a half in the middle of the night!
I thought my son would nurse forever, then I thought he would grab my hair forever, now I think he will touch my feet forever. Separation is hard when you, physically, are the transition object! Good job all around!!!!!
My son asked me this morn if I wore diapers and pooped in them.
Kids know when they are getting to you. I did my best I-am-not-amused-but-really-don't-care-voice while hoping that that was a good response. He dropped it, but hey, this is new territory for me. I know he's entering that 4 1/2 yr old boy-phase-potty-word-teasing thing. Knowing his father, the next few years will be interesting, to say the least.
It's frustrating. It's infuriating. But he still crawls into my bed at night, he still pats me on the hand and looks meaningfully into my eyes if I look worried.
Trying to parent when there is not a good relationship or some level of trust with the other parent is hard. I think it's great that you are staying strong, and solid. YOU ARE MAMA. He knows this- no one can replace you, no matter what- but you need to show him that you believe that too, and you are. I think it's also good to show your child real emotions- grown-ups have feelings too, right?!? What a weird world it would be if they didn't.
My son had night terrors for a while- he would seem to wake up, kicking and screaming sometimes or whining- for almost 30 minutes sometimes- with his eyes open, kinda- but be completely inconsolable.....it was AWFUL. After trying everything else I would end up yelling at him to snap out of it- which would kind of wake him up and then he was able to respond to me- I felt like such a jerk before I knew what was going on.... he wouldn't really remember it in the morning though- Life changes that are stressful often come out at night, apparently....It's been a while since he's had one at this point, but that was a HARD time for us, sleepwise. I hope his hives get better, just hives alone without binky problems can make you want to scream! I should know- I was barely able to deal with speaking to people after having them for 9 days once- watching movies, on steroids and benedryl- if anyone had taken my binky then I would have completely lost it. ;) It's probably better to tackle that when you are both less stressed out, like you are doing.