Okay Mamas. I hope you are all sleeping sweetly. I am up with
my bleeding heart in my hands here...or so it feels, at 1 a.m. and g-damn the time change today. Can you believe- my son is almost 6 and with the divorce and all the back and forth and many many illnesses over these past few winters and changes etc... and an UNbelievably at times vindictive ex who at times would like to TAKE ME DOWN, I've let him keep his "paci" at night. I have a willful kid or maybe it's a tricky regulated kid- who for ex when we tried "cry it out" at 6 mos cried for 5 hours, then fell down in the crib, then cried 2 more hours. That was the end of that. I feel like he always wins when it comes to his demands around sleep, because I get to gdamn worn out and have too hard a job and too mnay responsibilities to miss WEEKS of sleep, and I mean WEEKS if i Try to change the status quo. I won't even get into how I a very healthy woman almost went nutso w/ his tsleep issues
the first 2.5 years of his life!! But cut to the present, his dad acts like everything is a total breeze w/ him at his house, and in fact I think it DOES look like that. I helped raise my stepson, my ex's older son, and in fact when he was w/ us he ws like some
angelic character in Andy Griffith show. UNREAL. Anytime he DID have a different idea or complaint he was SHUT UP. His dad does not tolerate ANY DIFFERENCE of opinion or need. SO he got my son OFF paci for 3 nights 2 weekends ago, beginning of
the "weaning" of it. He comes back to me, as if often the case, w/ a fresh cold and stressed. I try to continue the "plan." He starts getting hives every night, and dr examines himn and says he's got the beginning of an ear infection. I try to continue 'the plan." He goes to sleep fine w/ out paci but then is up at midnight WRITHING and screaming and have HUGE tantrum. Only time I've seen him act this way is w/ ear infection. But usually he is a super articulate kid, even at midnigh, about pain or whatever is going on. NOW HE WON'T SPEAK. Just screaming and even "goo goo gah gah." I am asking him 'Please are you in pain? Do you need medicine? Or is this missing Paci...?" I give him paci back 2-3 nights at that point exhausted and thinking he is maybe in pain and I'm not going to do this while he's in pain. But next day he tells me "I was not in pain at all, just miss paci...I want to do the plan when I'm over this cold." I supportively agree. So tonight he agrees at bedtimre let's try tonight. I give him lots of love and attn. He's getting hives at bedtime now, since "paci plan" but dr felt they might be related to the cold/virus. WTF. I can't figure anything out. So tonight I am beyond exhausted, sick-ish myself, big codl sore, too many clients, kids in big agony (clients) calling me even from college for help in ER as I"m trying to put him to bed w/ hives...for their "check in" but he's up 2 hours past bedtime because of the time change and hives, etc. I finally get him down. Watch some TV, relax a tiny bit. At midnight he's up WRITHING and screaming, won't let me hold him,m won't speak, won't tell me waht is going on. Nada. I make it okay if he misses paci, try to tell him it is okay to say he wants it. He finally does but is kicking etc. I tell him I'm going to hold you, help you all night if you need my help. I'm right here, it's okay...holding you... this feeling will pass...." etc. More writhing and screaming. On and on. Finally he's hitting his legs and I FINALLY (30 minutes into this) yell and say "STOP HITTING YOURSELF! THIS IS NOT OKAY!" and then he finally speaks and says 'YOU are a monster!!!! YOu are a monster!" and runs away from me. I go away and cry. It is too late to call anyone. Finally I go in the room and give him teh paci. This storm is too much for me. ANd i'm undone by his accusation which he could tell his dad which scares the hell out of me. I was a lvoing great mom all day, and through 1/2 hour of bloody murder screaming.
I feel like dog crap on the bottom of someone's shoe. I am demoralized.
This is the same kid that said to me two days ago sitting in a waitinbg room WAY to long for me, "I'm a Musa (his martial art)...I practive patience." He is FIVE! He is a great in school, totally loved, tons of friends, super loving, incredibly creative, articulate, wise... but has these times w/ me which just undo me. It is time to stop the paci but i'm telling you I feel like I go into the lion's mouth w/ this kid at times- it is so overwhelming.
Thanks. Please know I have a healthy great kid. But his sucks so badly.