It feels really important to me to admit this. There were entire months out of this year when I really wanted to kill my daughter and then myself. I had all these elaborate ideas about how I would do it so that my husband wouldn't have to find our bodies.
I just felt so hopeless. My daughter, whom I love with EVERY BREATH IN MY BODY, is insanely hard. She's not a sleeper, she's very strong-willed, on and on. Things are getting much better now, but there was a time this year when I wasn't getting more than an hour or two of sleep at a time and she would cry for HOURS. I felt such rage, and such hopelessness. The sound of her crying made my head feel like it would explode. I saw no way out. No end.
So I thought about killing us. I am not really sure why I didn't do it. Probably because I had enough control still to know that ultimately I loved her, and knew someday our relationship would be good and I'd be able to sleep again and things would get better. But I look at moms like Andrea Yates and I know how they feel. If I were them and not me, with enough money to go around, and a supportive husband, and many friends and loving family members, I might have cracked too.
I can't tell the people in my life these things because every time I tell someone they recoil like I am a monster. And I know I am not. If you knew me, really, I'm the best fucking mother ever. Violet's life is practically perfect; I'm patient and playful and cuddly, etc. But still. I want to process through these intense feelings and no one will let me. It's so taboo to talk about. My best best mom friend stared at me when I told her about my feelings and said "you'd better not say that or someone's going to call CPS." Is it any wonder that when I was actually having the feelings I couldn't talk to anyone? And that made it all the worse.
Probably now the women on this board will be disgusted with me too. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I know I can't be the only one.