Your First Love

Ruby of the Moon's picture

I wanted to dedicate this blog entry to my first love...he has hazel eyes and perfect cocoa skin... Although he hurt me the most, he also taught me the most and continues too...

So, who is your first love and do you still love him?

Do other Hip Mamas believe that true love never dies (like I do)?

Do you keep in touch?


733t sewz0r's picture

my first love lasted four years (14 to 18). he was a controlling jerk and i put up with and played into it. he knocked me around a little, nothing serious. he got me pregnant and left me in Tacoma to have an abortion, meanwhile taking the car (my parents' van!) back to our hometown so he could show up for a soccer game (he was the star player) so no one would know anything was amiss. i cramped and bled and threw up by myself in a cheesy EconoLodge room while trying to watch Cleopatra on TV. a year later he threw me down his stairs and beat me with my own car keys. i left him after that. he's an army ranger or something now and enjoys weapons.


and no, we don't keep in touch. and no, there is no part of me that still feels love for him (even though my teenage self was convinced for years it was true love). i have forgiven him, and forgiven myself. i hold no rancor.

thanks for the trip down memory lane!

diary of a mad bitch

"Macaroni - let me finish! - salad."

missamanda's picture
Submitted by missamanda on

sounds just like my first love! 14-17, beat me up a bunch, i left him right before i turned 18 because i knew he'd make me marry him. i was so naive, i was so afraid of him(threatened to kill me and my i can see how silly that was,he could never pull it off)...i didn't know any better. so then he stalked me, followed me to a shopping center, raped me. i was still scared, never reported it, but told my brother, so my brother beat the shit out of him at a party(SEVEN beer bottles over the head to top it off!!!!) and put him in the hospital. he pressed charges, my brother was on probation for 5 years.
*sigh* young love........
"what if the hokey pokey IS what its all about?" - random bumper sticker

"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." - Nietzsche

missamanda's picture
Submitted by missamanda on

i don't love him.
we don' keep i touch, although a few months ago he started working at a bar i used to go to, and my SO made sure to slam him against a wall in the bathroom with no explanation. my friend was the bouncer there and told him he would quit if he knew what was good for him. he worked another week then was gone.

"what if the hokey pokey IS what its all about?" - random bumper sticker

"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." - Nietzsche

Ruby of the Moon's picture

OK... I admit, mine wasn't that positive either: although he never hit me, beat me and I think he only called me a b$tch once in the past 14 years (1/2 my freaking life for god's sake!) He did get me pregnant when I was only 15 and then again when I was 16... and he didn't stick around and help me raise our kid but instead got 3.. count them 1, 2, 3, other girls pregnant over the past 11 years. He still sweet talks me and smoozes me and maybe I am really still 15 years old and that is why I am up this late dedicating a damn blog to him. I guess it just feels like to me that if it wasn't true I wouldn't still have a "special place in my heart" for him. ok, I'm gonna go barf now.

"If I could tell the world one thing, it would be we're all okay"-Jewell

missamanda's picture
Submitted by missamanda on

a first love thats reciprocal and good(besides our children)?!
john, my current partner. never have i felt so at ease and comfortable with someone before. i've never had to compromise who i am to satisfy him.
he's a 6'4" drink of water. he's an amazing artist, lover, father, friend.
i can car sing old punk songs at the top of my lungs, and he smiles and sings along. he loves my kids as if they were his own. he loves me like i've never been loved.
he changes the lyrics to "baby baluga" with me, so we can sing the new improved version much to our childrens' dismay. he stands up for me when needed. he's been helping me perfect peeing-standing-up. thats just the tip of the iceberg.
he's the one.

"what if the hokey pokey IS what its all about?" - random bumper sticker

"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." - Nietzsche

Henry's picture
Submitted by Henry on

I was 17, he was 19 and a half. We hooked up right before I graduated from highschool. We had gone to the same school but not known each other well. He was the first in a long line (ok, pretty short, but its almost the whole line) of musicians. We were all in love and shit. I went to college 3000 miles away three months later, he followed 9 months later, we lived together 9 months and moved back to our home town for, you guessed it, 9 months before I went back to my old college 9 months later and we broke up three months later.
He liked to try on my dresses and drink beer and play guitar and go for walks and eat cake and hang out with nerdy boys (because he was one) and he bragged about his age and how young and naive I was and had an attitide and worked at a beer and wine store. He was a pisces. He had been to europe in his early teens and never let me forget it.
I don't really still love him. Or I do in theory, but not really. I love the memories of our first love and how we felt at the time. But thats about it.
He is kind of a jerk and kind of a loser. We keep in touch a tiny bit every year or so. He lives in the past. He is very closed minded. He is both homophobic and racist, while pretending to be really open minded and cool. He is a tall skinny dorky guy in his mid 30's who has a fairly dead end job, got out of a very sick relationship recently, keeps trying and failing to stay in college (hmm, sounds like most of my friends!) and wants to be married with kids and a house, wants to be a rockstar. He was a good classical guitar player, going to school for jazz studies and actually decided to drop out because being a rockstar was more lucrative that being a jazz guitarist.
He was not great in bed (I fell asleep once and wasn't drinking) but thought he was. His dick was pretty big, but it wasn't put to good use. He was way into oral sex (giving, not recieving) but sadly was poor at that too. I don't know, maybe he was great for someone young and immature, but not very good in context of my other lovers.
He was obsessed with me (thank god for the distance) for 3 or so years. Blames me for his impotence in year one and his sluttishness ever since. Oh, and blames me for a lot of his drinking. And "ruining his life".
I found his myspace (and I hate myspace so much I can't even believe I am bringing it up) and couldn't think anything but "what a pitiful fuck". he hasn't really grown up since I met him. But not in the good ways I could mean that.
Next time i am in my hometown I will probably try to have coffee with him or whatever (with my husband and baby) but usually it doesn't work out and we see him for 10 minutes right before we leave. And I leave relieved that I moved back across the country and stayed. Relieved that I found my fabulous husband. Relieved that I don't still live in the world of my high school. Relieved because if I had made a few more decisions (or indecisions) based on fear I would probably be just like him.

dahlia's picture
Submitted by dahlia on

He was my first love, we were passionate and happy and had oh, so much fun. We met at a play he starred in (Lysistrata), and flirted a little, then he was at a show my friend's band was playing. His sort-of girlfriend kept hitting on me, and then he dumped her a week or so later and asked me out. We were amazing and nobody in the world had what we did. We broke up a couple months later over some petty thing. Intense, beautiful, sexy, wonderful. I finally understood what all those love songs were about. We kept in touch for a few years but somehow ended up in bed together just about every time we met. Last time I saw him was a few months before DS was concieved, I was dating this silly little goth boy (it was all about sex, no love) and he told me he missed me.

On some level I would like to talk to him, just once, say thanks for the memories, thanks for being so sweet and lovely back then. Not all my relationships since have been so sweet, but I'm glad that my first was. I do love him for that. But, I don't want to date him ever again, I just truely hope that he's living a wonderful life.
"And a political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your Commander-in-Chief."

-George W. Bush

star's picture
Submitted by star on

My Mr. really is my first love, certainly no one else has compared, and I've been with him all of my adult life (past 9 years) so... I really can't compare. And yes he is great, and I do try to keep in touch with him, but sometimes we lose track for a bit and have to still work at it constantly.
The first time I thought I was in love (like seriously in LOOOOVE planning to marry this guy and had promised the world to each other) was with a penpal I had from age 12-about 16, he was much older (say 9 years- 9 seems to be a common #) and he lived quite far away up north, hunted, fished, camped and did all this cool stuff that I still admire him for. We still write now and then, but didn't for about 5 year after I got married- we were both kinda sore with each other. He called me up on Mr.s birthday two years ago! He had checked directory and found us, its a lil strange talking to him and hard not to flirt!And yes I do still love him- though it goes with out saying it is a totally different kind of love than what I have for my Mr.
I think I love all of my first boyfriends, the ones I thought I really loved at the time. They all still hold a special place in my heart, and I appreciate them for the little bit more about life and people that they taught me.
I don't keep in touch with any of them regularly, I don't think I have much more energy than what my marriage takes.