Still fighting the pounds

Glamorous's picture

I caught sight of myself in a mirror today and flinched. It was an unexpected, full length glance. I was neither sucking anything in nor standing up straight.

Clearly, sticking to the eat-well-and-exercise plan is too unpleasant for me to commit. It's not difficult or "hard", as we like to say here in the U.S. It's quite simple. However, it also feels exponentially unpleasant.

Which is the lesser of the evils? The answer changes several times daily as I vacillate between getting smacked in the eyes by that startling reflection of meals gone by, or living with the knowledge that I have to break up with my dear friends Chocolate and Mayonnaise. I cannot manage moderation, so it has to be a clean break with no contact, or I will not last.

So far, I have not lasted.

Sticking to the plan to reach my mind's belief of how I should look means living in a state of unhappy longing, and there is way too much of that in my world as it is without voluntarily adding more.

I have trouble with commitment in every area of life, and this is no different. Commitment always means giving up something that makes life less unpleasant in order to uphold an ideal that is precariously full of holes.

While I balk at the theory of ideals, I simultaneously drown in shame at my lack of success at upholding ideals...I want to refuse the ideal, not to fail at the upholding part.

Misery and frustration brought about by trying to be committed to something that makes me miserable and frustrated creates an exhausting concentric circle of futility. I usually shout it down with a brimming bowl of something delicious that will make me sleep through the night.

I have to learn to dress well as a big woman.

Comments

mermaid_radio's picture

Is there any kind of exercise that is fun for you? I had a friend who lost over a hundred pounds and kept it off. He did change his diet to include much more fiber and vegetables.... but the main thing he changed was to pick exercises he loved and he did them everyday. For him it was Kung-Fu classes and rollerblading. He loved those two things enough that he always looked forward to them and never wanted to skip his exercise.

lilashakti's picture
Submitted by lilashakti on

one of the reasons i loved living in portland was because there were so many stylish bigger girls. big girls who were not ashamed of their bodies, who rocked whatever they put on, and had hot boyfriends (and girlfriends) and no one cared. in fact, it was so body accepting and non judgmental there that when i moved back to southern california i felt stunned. being a not skinny person myself, but not obese, i like to call it the middleground. i feel slightly invisible to men AND women, because i am not skinny, tan, barbie.

YOU CAN dress fun and hip and lovely if you are bigger.

but i ask you- what is it that your mind believes you should look like? and why? i find my mind very often has completely different beliefs then my heart, my TRUE self. the one that would emerge if myself or a loved one were dying, or if my art was being created as much as i want it to, or some other big inspiring thing that has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with my soul. and i bet you my bodies weight in cookies that doing what feels good to your body WITHOUT the desire to lose weight will give that mind of yours a reality check and let your heart do the talking. even if you never lost a pound, your beauty is you and therefore do the things that make you feel (and think!) that you are beautiful!
anyways, changing my mind frame helped me tremendously, because when i started feeling good, i started doing things that made me feel better, which made me look better. and im still not skinny, and probably wont ever be in this lifetime! :)
xo
shakti

shakti
shaktisrealwords.blogspot.com

Glamorous's picture
Submitted by Glamorous on

It's greatly appreciated.

I haven't found an exercise that I enjoy, maybe that's the first problem. Exercise is hard work to me...coupled with Lyme Disease/Fibromyalgia, it also hurts, which is probably why I stopped doing it. I wish sewing and knitting burned calories.

As for who I'd be if weight didn't matter, who my soul is, I don't know anymore...so maybe that's a major obstacle as well.

Hugs and thanks for giving me something to chew on. ;)

Glamorous

Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley

Jenna's picture
Submitted by Jenna on

I am with you. I struggle with this too. And can I just say stress and depression isn't helping me? I LOVE food, even when I'm not on the up side of my yo-yo-ing. And when I'm depressed I am out of control about seven ways from Sunday.

Sending you hugs, Glam. You are gorgeous.

Glamorous's picture
Submitted by Glamorous on

Understanding and acceptance is so comforting. Thank you.

Glamorous

Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley