sometimes when shit pisses me off

shadeshaman's picture

Like how I start that with "sometimes", as if there aren't times when shit pisses me off?
But, really, there are times when shit doesn't piss me off.
I'm not talking about those times.
I am talking about being pissed off. I spent the whole day in a pissy mood because She Who Must Be Obeyed informed me last night that I can't play in MY orchestra concert because I have to film HER closing night of her show. Fuck me. Is there no-one else who can step in and be mommy so I can hack my way through the Egmont Overture? Apparently not. I fumed today and I cried a little, in part because I missed the last concert due to much kid drama, and it was emotionally SO FUCKING HARD for me to get my ass to rehearsal at all for this concert, and now I don't get to play it. But then I got real with myself. Why was it really so important for me to play this show? I'm overwhelmed with everything right now, and I would be playing violin because they are awash in violas, so why get my panties in a wad over this? Ah! Because of my bad date. Remember, I had a date a couple weeks ago? Asked for good vibes? Uh, well, it was a show (which usually means music) at the warehouse space where DateBoy lives, but it turned out to be....Electronic Noise (which real musicians avoid trying to make at all costs. Noise manipulated for a certain effect in the context of music is fine, but digital feedback is like 10,000 cats yowling at once, and it isn't music, it's NOISE, hence the name, and 3 different "bands" making that kind of noise will, like "dick", make ya wanna SLAP somebody). But that wasn't the worst part. It was how the guy kept disappearing. Why, why, why invite a woman to your place to listen to Noise, and then disappear into parts of the house where said woman has no access, due to living in a house where people make music and the yowling is left to the actual cats? Why? Why talk and drink until 4 in the morning, and then make like you're going to send DateWoman out into the serious muthafuckin' 'hood to drive her drunk ass home? Why? And then act like it's a giant imposition for DW to stay at your house (although it was FINE to stay over at her house with the actual music and cats the week before)? Why? I don't know.
A couple days after the Noise--I'm not even calling this a date--I sent Date--no, NoiseBoy a message on the Ouija Board, I mean F*cebook, calling him out on this (I thought it was a date, why avoid me? You stayed over at my house, why not afford me the same courtesy?). His reply would have made more sense if he followed grammar rules, but the gist of it seemed to be that he was thinking with his little head when he invited me over, and then he lost his theoretical boner because he equates sex with overwhelming expectations (or some kind of projecting of his issues from his past relationship onto me) and he just wants to have "fun", so there. We didn't fuck, BTW. Nothing more than kissing and snoring.
I responded, truthfully, that I'm not interested in fucking right now. I'm feeling very, very independent these days, and I don't want entanglements. I mostly want someone to talk to. The kissing was nice, the sleeping in the same bed was tolerable, but I mostly I enjoyed talking to him. And I said that if talking, kissing, sleeping, not fucking, and not being each others' caretaker sounded like something he could do, then that's what I want.
He did not respond.
Sometimes, when I have an interaction like this, a most unsatisfying, not bounded, bullshit, guy-can't-take-responsibility kind of a thing, then I soothe myself by going out and doing something very badass just to reset my thinking or my heart or something. Playing the orchestra gig, after having such a hard time even getting to a single rehearsal, seemed sufficiently badass. But now I'm not doing that.
Well, so, maybe it's ok. Maybe this guy is such a loser that I don't have to do anything more than pick my nose to move on.
Ok. Thanks for listening.