Shame on Me?

kamla's picture
Sat, 07/15/2006 - 11:56 -- kamla

I should be attending my cousin’s wedding shower today, but because of a “leave your kids at home� request, I opted to spend the day with my babies instead of extended family. I’m not sure if I was trying to make a silent statement about so-called family functions by not attending, or whether I honestly thought finding a sitter to look after three under the age of three was doable.

At the last minute, I was informed babies were allowed – meaning my littlest man Curtis of six months could tag along, but not my two or three-olds. Maybe it’s the mama in me that wasn’t swayed by the “infants only exception� rule. I guess in my own twisted mind I believe family events should be just that; after all, we have never excluded the tiniest family members from anniversaries, birthdays or simple BBQs. In my Guyanese family our motto is "the louder, the better".

But, who am I to pass judgment on my cousin’s wedding celebrations? After all, I was there seven years ago, and I went through the trials and tribulations of planning a wedding while trying to appease all sides. But, always the analyst, I thought about the future, and the questions that may or may not be asked by my children…you know, like “How come you were there but we weren’t?� And while the adult answer is simple and easy to understand – some people choose to have adult-only weddings, it may not seem that way to my kids. “Aunt R didn’t want us there because they were afraid we’d sneak vodka into our baby bottles thus slapping her with a $3000 fine, or maybe two-year-old Christopher would make off with the money box (mom would have shoe money!) or worse, someone would do leaps and bounds into the wedding cake.� OK far-fetched and over-the-top scenerios. Shame on me. But, I know the real reason is because kids are loud and unpredictable, they may say something inappropriate, do something embarrassing or leave a lasting unwelcome memory on that sacred wedding video. Chances of that happening are just as good for their parents…the adults.


Conspiracy_Monger's picture

I've never understood the "no children" policy. I'm a new mother and haven't had to deal with that, yet. I'll probably handle it the same way. I mean, it is a "family" function, right?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
~ Groucho Marx

kamla's picture
Submitted by kamla on

I never thought I would take something like this to heart, or feel as terrible as I do about not attending, but I know my heart wouldn't be there, it -- along with my thoughts would be back with the kids wondering if they're torturing the baby.

"Beautiful people often say ugly things."

IGGY's picture
Submitted by IGGY on

in theory. i don't like a mess of kids running amok at a gathering, particularly when said gathering is indoors. i get a headache around any more than four kids inside of an hour. especially when the parents of the kids do nothing to keep them occupied and civil, and just lose all contact with them as soon as they walk in the door. i also hate having to look after my kid at a party (not wanting to be like the parents who don't). i don't want to have to curtail my drinking, watch language, censor who i insult, etc. kids can really cramp my style.

also, when kids are going to be included, they really ought to be accommodated and entertained, or they should stay home. kids aren't going to ooh and aah over a friggin cake, for instance, and don't care how much the bridesmaid's dress costs when they climb up it. they only act out like that when there'e nothing for them to do. so, if you're not going to have a video game section or a clown, then go ahead and have an adults only party.

but also remember that requiring guests to find child care will limit your attendance... hey, maybe that's the idea.

"All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." --Mark Twain

"You know, i could write a book. And this book would be thick enough, to stun an ox." -- Laurie Anderson

guava's picture
Submitted by guava on

I draw the line at functions where I'm required to pay for an airline ticket, but have to find child care in a strange place for my kids. We've had a couple of family weddings this year where children weren't invited - which is fine, their prerogative - but no childcare options were provided for us. DH ended up sitting in a hotel with ds bouncing off the walls on one occasion, after we'd flown 3,000 miles to the darn wedding. No more.

One of my cousins was cool enough to hire a babysitter at his wedding. She stayed in a room upstairs with her sister, and watched the 8 kids that were there with their parents. Everybody won; we could party however we wanted, and the kids had all crashed out upstairs by 10. It was a really awesome idea.

"Everything looks perfect from far away." - The Postal Service

Ruby of the Moon's picture

It feels like an insult when people choose not to include our children. Hey - they are people too! I can understand where you are coming from and think that you made a good choice. Someday when your cousin has kids she may see it from a different point of view...

"If I could tell the world one thing, it would be we're all okay"-Jewell

mommamichelle's picture

i don't personally care if someone has that rule, but they better not take it personally when my family doesn't show up to their shing ding! i have no problem telling someone (if i can't get a babysitter - like another relative) that if my kids can't come, no one is coming. now, usually, if i can find a sitter, i would rather go without my son because i hate having to mind him while trying to have adult conversation. but, see, i only leave max with family or a super close friend. so, if their invited, too, oh well!

kamla's picture
Submitted by kamla on

Her wedding is also no-kids allowed. What's worse is she's asked my son be the ring bearer and my daughter a flower girl, but then they have to leave after the ceremony. We don't even live in the same city, so it's not like we can take them home to a sitter and then return for the reception. And, bear in mind my family is HUGE. There are seven brothers and sisters on her mom's side alone (our moms are sisters), and between them there are 30+ kids (20-30 something) and they have on average 2-3 kids, so it's like slicing the family in half. It's not a matter of money either...she's an exec, he's a model and they already have their house and two cars...oh well.

"Beautiful people often say ugly things."

denessasma's picture
Submitted by denessasma on

I see both sides. I personally think kids should not go to the actualm wedding as of course they are going to fuss if they have to sit there during that.espcailly if it's a catholic wedding(just kidding i say this as i am)I do however think they should be allowed at the reception i mean make sure there is entertainment, this way it is up to the parents to decide, but i do also understand that other guests who may be equally as important to the bride as you are may not want to be around screaming kids, they could have a kids gone by 10:00 rule or something. BUT i also think if you're kids are IN the wedding aren't they part of the wedding party which would kind of make them necessary for the reception. i mean they do the work and sit through pics and don't get any of the fun partying not fair.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life"
Good Riddance, Green Day.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss

kamla's picture
Submitted by kamla on

I agree. It is a personal jolt to the mama ego. And I know it will cross her mind in the future when she's a mama herself.

"Beautiful people often say ugly things."