No More Lies, This is My Truth Part One updated more info

denessasma's picture

My Truth is the father of my children is an alcoholic. My truth is emotional and mental abuse is very real, I have experienced it for years. My Truth is my children have seen more and heard more than any child ever should. My truth is though I am far away this man still has a hold over me something I can never explain but it is so real I have actual pain. My truth is I don't know how to stop loving this man, how do you stop what you have known for all of your adult life? My truth is I lay down at night and cry tears that I can NOT stop from coming no matter how angry and hurt I get or make myself become. My truth is I was NOT this woman, this weak, sorry, hopeless woman is not who I am or who i ever wanted to become. My truth is what i thought was love for years and years i know is not what love is, should be, could be but it's all I know. My truth is i always wondered why battered woman don't leave their abusers i always said i would leave in a minute but the truth is i am emotionally and mentally battered and have been for so long i don't even know when it began. I don't know when i became this other woman or how i became this other woman. My truth is I can't keep getting up everyday and putting this fake ass smile on my face and interact with my children and my parents like life is grand when my mind is a million miles away and my soul is so broken I don't know that it will ever mend, when I want to lay on the floor in the fetal position and melt away into non-existence. the truth is without my children I would have ended this long long ago.My truth is I have nothing left, emotionally, spiritually, materialistically, i am at ground zero.My truth is i finally realize why my parents wanted to get here so badly to break me away from the person that has hurt me the most in my life even though i never knew exactly how or what or why.and who can say exactly what i need to hear and knows exactly how i wil respond. I finally realize that the intense, fierce mama love that i have for my children is exactly the way my parents feel about me. My truth is if any man ever did to my girls what i have been through i would try my hardest to get them away from him. My truth is i still love him and believe his lies. My truth is I have never in my life told anybody any of this. see below

Comments

turtle's picture
Submitted by turtle on

Just saying it all out loud takes strength and courage. Hugs, mama.

Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson

You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom

dahlia's picture
Submitted by dahlia on

I'm reading, mama. Love you.

P.S. You've done the hardest bit. You got out, you're making plans, you're in your support system. You are awesome. This does not define who you are, who your future self will be.

rebeccaeee's picture
Submitted by rebeccaeee on

You owe it to your kids not to teach them that that is how men treat women. If you allow yourself to be treated that way, you will be doing a huge disservice to yourself and to them. If you need the strength to step away and break free from the pattern, allow yourself to find that strength in your children. Allow your parents to practice their fierce mama bear love on you. Allow yourself to be loved.

earthgarden's picture

maybe check with social services in your area for therapy to help you through this? I know your ends are little tight right now, sometimes the county offers free or low cost counseling services. big (((hugs)))

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raspberrytoast's picture

I wish I had meaningful advice or just something helpful to add.
I was in a long term relationship with an alcoholic, but we didn't have kids and I think that made it easier for me to break it off finally.
I do remember when I finally got out of the relationship, I was really shocked at how much I endured, and how I glossed over the "bad" things.
Maybe you can get medicaid and see a therapist?
http://www.ponycherry.blogspot.com/

Monarda's picture
Submitted by Monarda on

I don't think you are weak.

My abuser never hit me. The closest he got was shoving me and being physically intimidating, like driving recklessly or putting a fist through a wall. He also injured me seriously, repeatedly, and to this day I bear the scars; they are just not visible. This trauma is real, and you can survive it.

So much love coming your way, Jessica. So. much. love.

dahlia's picture
Submitted by dahlia on

this, to me, reads a little harsh.

Jess is totally being a mama, she always has been. She's already out of that relationship, she's living with her parents far away from the girls' dad. Like that huge step in protecting her and her family has already been taken - and you know sometimes this shit just creeps up on you. If it was all bad all the time she wouldn't have been there in the first place.

Again though, maybe I'm mis-reading your tone. If so I totally apologize!

guava's picture
Submitted by guava on

just to see how bad it really was, and how far you've come. You are still you, Jess. You're here. You're already on the road to a better place. It takes a load of guts to be as honest as you are being right now. I'm so glad you're with your girls and your folks up in peaceful mountain-land. Big hugs coming your way.

"Too weird to live. Too rare to die." - Hunter S. Thompson

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