My kid called me selfish because I had a nightmare...

shadeshaman's picture

...wherein I was dying from being stuck in a firestorm and I happened to be with my ex-boyfriend in the dream and I thought it was better to tell him that I loved him than to die with anger on my lips. He did not reciprocate. I guess I didn't tell her the rest of the nightmare, because I came back as a ghost and realized that she was stuck in the house while the fire was racing toward her. She could not escape, but I thought she might survive if she got in the bathtub and turned on the shower and filled the tub and got as cold and wet as possible. I woke up not knowing if she lived or died. I think I didn't tell her that part, because it was so horrific and intense. Nevertheless, it was a dream, and I told her about it the morning after I had it, when we were in LA, while I was very sick with the flu and driving her all over that godforsaken mess of a town so she could look at college campuses. And meet up with her new girlfriend, all on my dime. How selfish of me. She's been holding a grudge ever since. Guess when she told me? That's right, on Thanksgiving. After I had been cooking all day, but she wouldn't eat what I made, after her tiramisu experiment failed and I tried to help her fix it (she didn't read the baking directions for the cake--the whole thing was destined to tank after that), after she decided she wanted sushi and I called 6 different sushi bars and they were all closed, but I found one Chinese place that was open, and I helped her load up the dog that she was getting paid to dogsit at my house and drove her and the dog back to the owners house, and then I ordered something that I didn't really care for at the restaurant because she wanted it, and I paid for dinner (during which she told me that she didn't think she wanted to go to college after all!) and then when we went home and I--did I mention that her intense anger all day caused me so much stress that my back seized up (oh, shit, that's my problem, how selfish of me)--called her on her behavior, and then the "you're so selfish, your subconscious doesn't place me in the middle of your horrific nightmares" bit--she didn't really say that. That would have been awesome, but, no. And then she put on her $90 boots that I recently, selfishly bought for her so she could go to Alaska and not have freezing feet, and went down to the dryer that I selfishly provide for her so she can do her laundry for free and pulled out the parka that also was for Alaska, and made like she was going to run off into the night, and I, selfishly, handed her her phone so she could call someone and not get stranded or be without a contact or help, if she needed it. Fuck me, I suck.

Comments

maggles's picture
Submitted by maggles on

Parenting is the hardest job, especially alone. And you guys don't have real back up. Try to find some compassion for all the pain. That's all you can do. ALl the anger/her acting up- it's just pain and confusion. Not that you should "take it," but try to take a "sacrad pause" and talk to her about it calmly. That you were trying really hard and you need more respect than that. I'm so sorry. You work so hard. I feel you.