Limbo is a dance, not a place. Let's dance!

vkitty's picture
Tue, 02/01/2011 - 11:15 -- vkitty

I'm just gonna get over myself, mamas.

Look, I come from an extremely humble background. My daddy is recovering alcoholic/drug addict, and all the better for it. My mama is non-existent, taking her own addictions and running away from her problems (psst... Marla... your problems follow you...). I'm proud to be a present mother, college grad, and work as teacher for those who realize their mistakes and refuse to give up.

I'm thinking of grad school so I can write? I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a writer. There's nothing wrong with going to grad school to be a writer. But, the truth is, I'm not going to be happy if I'm just writing.

(That's "just" as in the only thing, not "just" as meant to diminish the act of writing or those who do it.)

I need to be of service. Not only that, grad school isn't the place for me. At least not right now. I'm freaking out because I'm 33, but my favorite college professor started grad school at 45. STARTED! Maybe I'll never go, but maybe I will. Anyway, there's not an age requirement for education.

Where am I going with this?... Oh yeah! Being of service. It has become clear to me that the kind of jobs I'm applying for are social work type jobs. However, I don't really want to go to grad school. I just don't and there's nothing wrong with that. But I DO love school like a bunny loves the forest. So, instead of being a caged bunny, I enrolled in school!

I enrolled in a certificate program at the community college I teach at for addictions counseling. My friend recommended it. It's 36 credit hours.

I passed up applying for dozens of jobs because they wanted someone certified in substance abuse in some way, and every time I thought "I should just get certified. It'll only take a second!"

Friends, I am VERY excited about this! For the first time, I'm not questioning myself. I get to be in a job where I'm helping the world (part of why I loved Montessori so much), I get to be in school for a little while longer, which I love, and all is well with the world!

"But Vee Kitty, what about being a writer?"

What? I can't go to school, be an addictions counselor, AND write? I used to do school, work, mommyhood, and be a musician. I played shows up and down this town. I don't play music anymore, sure, but why can't I write?

Something I've learned throughout all of this is that life has no real rules. It's not an Excel spreadsheet complete with formulas. It's not a cut cookie. It's an open canvas where choices are like rivers and paths are blazed rather than followed.

I have it a lot better around here than a lot of people. Sure, hubby is unemployed, my ex husband is a douchebag, and bill collectors breath down my neck constantly. But I have a job, even if it is part time, I have an education, I have a mind of my own. I have food in my belly and more where that came from. I have warm clothes. I have a brand-new espresso maker in the kitchen! I have it better than most people do, and I also have options. I'll use them.

Thanks to everyone for the advice, support, and just for reading all of this! I've been going a little nuts these last several months. It's hard making life changes, but that's life. We get over it and we move on.

Comments

turtle's picture
Submitted by turtle on

Do you know this quote? When I saw your blog I immediately thought of it. One of my FB friends posted it a couple of days ago. I don't know who Barbara De Angelis is but she has it right!

"The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place" Barbara De Angelis

Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough. -- Emily Dickinson

You want to do what you think is right and what matters to you, and if other people don't like it, as my father would have said, they can go fuck themselves. -- Amy Bloom