SO. I've been single since the break-up with my most recent ex, 6 months ago. This is what I want. I am choosing to be single right now and it feels really good. I have absofuckinglutely no interest in getting back together with him. I wrote to him to tell him that I didn't end up getting cold sores from him (something I had freaked out about when I had inconclusive test results because he would get all upset with me when I wouldn't kiss him when I thought I saw a cold sore, turns out that I never did catch them from him after another blood test) and he sent me this "Thanks for letting me know. I'm glad you didn't get cold sores from me, they're sucky to have. Again, I would like to be friends again at some point, after enough time has passed and if it seems like a healthy thing for both of us and something you want to do. thanks for the email, I hope you and your son are doing well." SO, that's polite and nice enough, right? A week later my son brings him up in conversation for the first time in ages, saying that he misses him which is a change of heart because during the rotten break-up my son actually told me to just forget about him. I figure it's safe to tell him that my son mentioned missing him recently and see if maybe enough time has passed for us to act like grown-ups and see if we can do the friends thing like we had always said we would when he was in my life- I had been very reluctant to bring him into my son's life and he did this whole "Oh, we're grown-ups, we can break-up amicably if we ever need to and then I will of course be part of your son's life because I care about him and blah de blah blah." I send him this: "I'm not sure how it would feel right now to see you. It might be fine, it could be sad, I'm really not sure how I would feel. My son has recently asked about you. He wanted you out of my life when he saw me crying all of the time and he told me to forget about you, but lately he has been saying that he misses hanging out with you. We have such a routine lately, I'm going to school full-time and working at the college. Our lives are so much about survival, I think that you were a form of comic relief for him, if that makes sense. He misses making books with you. You were kind of his buddy you know. It's hard for me to think of those times." (This is a guy who swooped in as Prince Charming and got really intense only to start crossing my boundaries and play head games with me after I told him how much I trusted him and how much he meant to me.) Things went from unbelievably wonderful to 5 break-ups, with him instigating it every time then coming back into my life. It was HELL. I know that it had to do with his own issues and I'm not internalizing it anymore, but it SUCKED. He actually told me at one point that my life so far has been so sad that he just can't handle knowing me. Sweet huh? Especially because I'm pretty happy, considering. ANYHOW. He sends me back this: "Well it sounds like it's probably too soon for you to see me then, it would probably be too hard for me as well, we still haven't really had a long stretch of no contact. Are you still in therapy? Have you talked to your therapist about this? That's been a useful thing for me to do in the past, that's the only reason I'm suggesting it. I'm not sure how to respond, if your son is asking to see me, I would probably do that, but it still seems too soon and that it might be an unhealthy thing for you since I don't want to get back together. I hope you guys are having a good autumn." HA! So, I send him this "I don't want to get back together. I find it really condescending that you perpetually ask me if I've spoken to my therapist and assume that I would want to get back together. Have you spoken to your therapist? If you are wondering how my mental state is, I can tell you with confidence that it is better than ever before. Frankly I was only writing to you because I had that test result and then a week later my son mentioned you. It most probably is too soon now, if ever, to be around each other if that is the attitude that you have towards me." I wrote more in a second e-mail which was all on point and right on, but I wish I hadn't sent it because he knows that he got to me now.
Yeah. So I'm irritated that I tried to contact him in the first place. Apparently he still feels the need to be a dick to me. The guy has some really deep-seeded insecurities and skewed perceptions. I was feeling so strong and now the fact that I'm upset makes me feel weak. I'm angry and I didn't want to feel angry. I am SO GRATEFUL that I'm not with him anymore. I just feel like an ass for thinking that just because I'm ready to move on he is ready to stop being a dick. I believed his whole "I'm such a good guy" thing, you know? I thought that even if he can't be a good guy in a relationship with me he could at least be a grown-up when it comes to how he claimed he would be towards my son. Now I don't want him around my child. I don't need that shit in my life.
Just needed a place to write that out mamas. Happy Halloween.