I miss my ex-fiance and feel like my boyfriend is an alien and I am a space probe sitting in front of him

Birdie's picture
Thu, 11/30/2006 - 17:33 -- Birdie

Going "Beep, beep... Here is English, here is French, here is Swahili, here is Mandarin...okay, doing some basic math, showing some anatomical pictures, the periodic table, some basic scientific equations.... nothing?" Space probe is getting nervous, no input, no response, detecting other life form that just does not seem to care or respond to me, talk or communicate... so I talk more and he listens less. Doesn't want to hear about the interesting article I read, doesn't care if a poem make me cry, doesn't have anything to say to anything I paint, doesn't seem to want to share life with me at all. I can see it now, our son grows up and leaves the house and all of a sudden I am completely lonely- no one to talk to- but never alone- too old to find true love because everyone has given up looking by then and just stays with who they've got because they don't want to be alone in their old age when they get sick and die, they're too afraid to care... sorry if I depress anyone, I haven't even been able to eat today. I desperately need someone whose passion and joy for life matches my own. He sat there with me through labor and I have never felt so alone. What do you say, ladies... do I go it truly alone as a single mom with and hold out for the real deal or just accept what I have and be thankful I have someone? I've stayed in BAD relationships before because I was so afraid to be alone and I don't want to waste any more life or emotion on people who don't really care about me. How can we make it better if we are so very different? He keeps saying he's already changed so much for me and I just feel unwanted- he just doesn't get it. He doesn't want to share life with me- he just wants someone to come home to.


Domesticated Houseslave's picture

i think about it this way:
If you stay with Mr.Personality and be alone in your house/apartment whathave you counting carpet fibers and feeling sorry for yourself, you will have missed the opportunity out of sheer boredom and having to reinevent yourself to take your girlfrined up on the offer to go to her gym for free one night to where you will get a falt tire or something when it starts raining. Then some dashingly handsome guy with a shaggy haircut and one dimple will pull up trying to assist you. Or maybe you will be the one driving by and he will be stranded. Or maybe you will be bored and run into your old neighbors cousin at the local blockbuster and agree to babysit her kid and then her cousin will come live at her house because he needs a change of pace and you will fall madly in love and become the next White Stripes but with talent. But chances are you are not going to find some rare gem of a guy hanging out in your livingroom shooting imaginary darts into the soul of ol'bore and snore over there. And if you do, he won't be too impressed that you live with your dude. Life is too short, don't settle for that guy, please. Lastly, I always encourage everybody to move on when they are miserable and recall how scared I was and how I kept putting it off out of fear, and then it happens and its liberating and invigorating more than anything and I regretted not doing it a year ago when I began thinking about it.

star's picture
Submitted by star on

it will become very clear to you.
I say if you have so little in common there is no sense beating a dead horse. But if this is the only area where you don't get along, say he's great in bed, and pays the bills, its a compromise. Otherwise, doesn't sound like much fun to me. Your partner is supposed to make you happy at least sometimes.
Good luck and sorry you have to deal with that.


Birdie's picture
Submitted by Birdie on

He does pay the bills, and the sex is good... he's just wired so differently than I am!!! He keeps telling me- "Birdie, I'm a simple man." I just don't feel like we share the same amount of passion or wonder... Maybe I'm too hard on him- but I'm a talker! I like to discuss things! I've never been with someone who made me sick of the sound of my own voice before! And he's so obstinate... then he's a big baby. I just never pictured myself with a man like that. I'm lonely! And I have friends I talk to all the time- it's just not the same. He's just not involved in life like I am, and I just confuse him.

maumau's picture
Submitted by maumau on

A friend shared the 70/30 rule with me years ago (I don't know where she got it - I like to think from her wise grandma, but it could've been from a magazine for all I know) and it has always guided me well. She said that all relationships are work and there are going to be times that are tough and complicated or just plain irritating, but that if you aren't happy and havind a GOOD TIME with your partner at least 70% of the time, then it is time to reevaluate and maybe get out. And that doesn't mean that he should be constantly sweeping off your feet or anything - you just, on a basic level, should enjoy each other's company. Relationships are supposed to add to the enjoyment that we feel of life, and while it's unrealistic to want one person to be our be all and end all (that's why we need friends and internet forums) it's NOT unrealistic to expect our partner to take an interest and to perk up a little when you are around! From what you've said it doesn't sound like you two are enjoying each other's company so much as enduring each other's presence and that's not good. So think about the 70/30 rule - do you feel like it's hard, unfufilling work way more than 30% of the time? Then it's time to shake things up one way or another!

denessasma's picture
Submitted by denessasma on

oh mama i no the no connection feeling but some people are not passionate people about much of anything. what got you 2 together in the first place there must have been something you were attracted to. did he used to listen to you? you should never settle you don't waqnt to teach your babe to settle do you?

Life in the hood is all good for nobody.... Tupac A. Shakur

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss

sebsmom's picture
Submitted by sebsmom on

I'm a big believer in the idea that it's better to go through life alone than to spend it with someone you're not happy with.
My mom basically wasted 21 years with someone she was unhappy with. She married my dad because she was afraid to be alone and stayed with him largely for the same reason. She was 40 when they split and now is remarried and much happier... so I don't think it's ever too late, but I often feel sad that my mom spent so much unnecessary time being miserable- ya know?

star's picture
Submitted by star on

I think I've been through this with my Mr.
There are times (I now call them dryspells- even though sometimes they last wayyy too long) where we just don't seem to see anything eye to eye. And I am like you, a talker, and I get awful lonely. There is no comforting words in those times, and it takes a real heart to heart to get through it happily. I'll just say what my mom always says when I complain that he doesn't spend enough time with me or let me know he is really into me "At least he's not smothering you! He trusts you enough to give you your space. And some guys just don't show their feelings very well." I say don't let him get too lazy.


earthgarden's picture

can I get an amen on what I'm about to say? :)

oh yah relationships are hard work and go up and down. sometimes my husband gets on my last nerves. sometimes he is boring. sometimes he ignores me. sometimes he is just no fun. It can be lonely, frustrating, boring, and all sorts of negative things within a marriage/LTR but does that mean you leave him? Is that your only option?

Would you consider counseling? Would he? Is that an option for ya'll to try before splitting up?

Do you know for a fact that he doesn't really care about you? Has he said, I don't really care about you?

It sounds to me that neither of you is being clear about what you need from the other, or not understanding what that means. If he keeps saying he's changed so much for you already...stop right there and acknowledge what he said and try to understand it. He may feel, why should I listen to her poems when she didn't care that I went to 20 parties with her back in 2001 when I didn't want to or whatever. I know, crazy right! but he may just need to have his past and current (miniscule as they might be) contribuions acknowledged before he's ready to move on, simple as that. but he may feel you won't listen to that so why even bother. kinda like how you feel towards him, right?

You posted he just wants someone to come home to. Ask him what this means to him and why it seems to be 'enough' for him. A couselor can help ya'll explore this issue better but it could be something in his background or family life. Were his parents divorced or never married? Was he raised by a single mother or father who had to work or if he had both parents in the home was he left home alone for long periods of time when he was a child or teen? Perhaps just wanting someone to come home to is a great and deep dream for him, and he doesn't know or understand that there can be more to a relationship...his dream stops there because he didn't have a good model for what a fulfilling relationship can be like. and this is something you 2 can negotiate as well, like you help to make your home life more peaceful and fulfillinf for him if he helps make your emotional life more enriched and fulfilling for you i.e talk to you, listen to your poetry, read the interesting articles you like, show an interest in you as a person.

It also sounds to me like you perhaps should try making friends. You posted: our son grows up and leaves the house and all of a sudden I am completely lonely- no one to talk to. Yes, you should be able to talk to your husband but I have found that the more I increased my outside friendships the less I relied on my husband to be my social life, my social world. If he is indifferent to an interesting article I read it stings less now that I have other people to talk to about it then when I didn't, you know? and older long-term married women told me during a very stressful time in my marriage that I should not expect my husband to be my friend in the same way my women friends were. It's a different relationship.

oh yeah it might also be that your man is clinically depressed. Does he simply not respond to you at all? Does he seem apathetic? How is he with his family and friends, or does he have friends? is he able to get along with co-workers? I would ask him that, if he responds to co-workers in the same manner. I bet (unless he is depressed or having some sort of breakdown) that he doesn't, that he is at least able to fake an interest in the comments and questions of his coworkers. Why? because only a crazy person would risk his/her job by intentionally alienating the people he works with. Perhaps he doesn't understand that the same applies to a relationship as well, that he is (although perhaps unintentionally) risking his relationship by his alienating behavior toward you.

I sincerely hope you 2 are able to work things out and find your way back to each other. Please consider counseling; it can really help. and you won't waste much time because if he is not receptive to what the counselor says you will know by the second session, for real. Our counselor gave us 'homework' to do so we were forced to deal with an issue before our 2nd visit. Neither of us wanted to do it but neithe ro fus didn't want to be the one to flat-out reject the help and advice, because then the other one would be all smug and self-righteous. So we did it, and to our suprises it helped us focus on the issue as a team rather than 2 seperate people with widely divergent/opposite feelings.

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