oh, i know, hate is a bad word. we are not supposed to hate anyone or anything because it fosters negativity and makes us look and feel bad.
but how do you change such a strong emotion?
i am not lazy, i am sad.
i am not white trash, i am depressed. because i have been stripped of my self worth. and its a lot of dismay about not leaving then, and then and then and then.
if you met him, you would never know.
each time, i am left drained completely and sobbing.
it is a verbal lashing- a violent word bash. no, not the same as being physically beaten, but i think the effects, are, possibly, quite similar.
each time i am wondering, where to go, how to go, how to live and support my children, where is MY JOB, how could i possibly have ANOTHER BABY with a man i hate?
you see, pretty much whenever we have physical relations, i get pregnant.
but i have not always had them, either.
how many trips to the clinic can you take?
i love my two girls. i will love this one too.
you know what i pray for?
that my hate will be fuel me and be the complete catalyst to getting the fuck out and showing my daughters that i have some self respect.
and that you cannot pretend it is ok to treat women that way. women being me.
thanks for listening.
please cross your fingers that i get on the housing list here in san diego so i can get out.
and please pray for me. or whatever you believe in.