i hate him.

lilashakti's picture

oh, i know, hate is a bad word. we are not supposed to hate anyone or anything because it fosters negativity and makes us look and feel bad.

but how do you change such a strong emotion?

i am not lazy, i am sad.
i am not white trash, i am depressed. because i have been stripped of my self worth. and its a lot of dismay about not leaving then, and then and then and then.
if you met him, you would never know.
each time, i am left drained completely and sobbing.
it is a verbal lashing- a violent word bash. no, not the same as being physically beaten, but i think the effects, are, possibly, quite similar.
each time i am wondering, where to go, how to go, how to live and support my children, where is MY JOB, how could i possibly have ANOTHER BABY with a man i hate?
you see, pretty much whenever we have physical relations, i get pregnant.
but i have not always had them, either.
how many trips to the clinic can you take?
i love my two girls. i will love this one too.

you know what i pray for?

that my hate will be fuel me and be the complete catalyst to getting the fuck out and showing my daughters that i have some self respect.

and that you cannot pretend it is ok to treat women that way. women being me.

thanks for listening.

please cross your fingers that i get on the housing list here in san diego so i can get out.
and please pray for me. or whatever you believe in.

shakti

Comments

mamanopajamas's picture

MANY HUGS & VIBES

and you are in San Diego? see your inbox

 "Do not speak--unless it improves on silence." ~ buddhist saying (wow - my email on file was so old - it was from the old hipmama email!)

bitch-face's picture
Submitted by bitch-face on

reading, listening & praying for you

verbal abuse is hellish. You are in my thoughts.

mermaid_radio's picture

I don't know what to say. But I'm thinking about you and hoping you find peace.

motormouth's picture
Submitted by motormouth on

I think it's ok to hate, when hate spurs action. I will pray for you, and hugs.

punkmama's picture
Submitted by punkmama on

let me quote one of my gurus, joe strummer..."let fury have the hour, anger can be power, you know that you can use it"...turn the hate out where it belongs, use it to create something for yourseld rather than to destroy someone else, and i think it is as healthy as any other strong emotion. and BTW, emotional abuse has been found for years in the field of research psychology to be more harmful than physical abuse, in both children and adults. for several reasons, and in many ways that are irrelevant right now, i mention it to validate you. run, mama. you can do it!

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

guava's picture
Submitted by guava on

Deep breath, Lila.
When he starts in, remember:

1. You do not deserve this.
2. You are a good person.
3. He does not have the right to ruin your week/day/hour/minute with an abusive rant over something that could have been solved with a respectful discussion.

Good luck, mama. You can do it. One step at a time.

mamanopajamas's picture

since I can't find my messages on here I don't know if you replied --- but please contact me via my email -- you prolly can't get to your messages either : ( so kiakiali at the g mail .com, okie dokie?

 "Do not speak--unless it improves on silence." ~ buddhist saying (wow - my email on file was so old - it was from the old hipmama email!)