i don't want to be an "it's not fair!' kind of person, but sometimes....it's just not fucking fair.

miss phoenix's picture

so BD is six weeks behind on his child support payments and he's taking the week off from work and renting a beach house with his friends. he also cancelled seeing DD at his parents' last weekend because he took a trip to NY to catch a yankees game. this is a man who claims his daughter means the world to him; a man who swears up and down that it's acceptable for this to be happening. a man who, when told that his failure to pay his child support means that his daughter and i suffer, claims that it's not his problem that i'm poor. he's been *way* more behind before than this but this is an especially huge slap in the face because of the time off from work and the expenses he's paying for his vacation/s. i'm furious that he's on a beach with his friends while DD and i are barely making ends meet. when i confronted him with this he told me that he's paying for his vacation with change he's saved up over a couple years-- why this change couldn't be used to pay his CHILD SUPPORT is beyond me-- and then told me to get a job because it's not his job to "take financial responsibility" for our daughter. i was so angry i could have spit; i'm on unemployment and the payments i receive every week barely pay our rent and for food, etc, but i do the best i can to make ends meet. i'm starting a class in a few weeks to get my LNA and become a nurse's assistant and hopefully that will open some doors for me. i'm trying as hard as i can right now to work toward a better future for us. i take care of my daughter 24/7 while her father lives the life of a bachelor, partying and drinking and sleeping all day and travelling and spending his money however he feels like it. i do the job of two parents and i don't get any reward for it; he shirks his responsibility and still gets to enjoy fun and freedom. again, i hate sounding whiny but i am angry and resentful and disgusted with how unfair this is; i don't expect alot from him, but i DO expect him to his SMALL part by being responsible with his child support. this is fucking bullshit.

i spoke to someone from CSS today to find out if there's something i can do. i was told that their system hasn't bookmarked his file yet because he's not "far enough" behind; they won't do anything yet although i always have the option of filing a contempt of court charge for failure to comply with court-ordered child support payments. the woman i spoke to also informed me that this would cost me a "filing fee" of an unspecified amount, and that the case may never actually make it to a court room if the judge decides in a prelim hearing that the amount BD is behind isn't "enough" to warrant legal action.

in my fucking opionion, a man who owes his child six weeks of child support and then takes time off from work to spend time travelling has fucked up "enough" to be called out on it and forced to comply. so why am i the only one who seems to think so?! i can't let my anger about this situation take away from our happiness because there's really nothing i can do about it, but it's tough sometimes not to seethe when i start to think about it all. i'd give anything to be able to take noa to the beach for a week for a vacation... jeebus, i'd give anything to just be caught up on all my bills and have a little extra money for ANYTHING special. and to be honest, i'd give anything to be able to reach through time and space and punch BD in the dick while he's frolicking on the beach. seriously.

ETA: i did just get a call back from someone that works for CSS. she told me that if his payments fall two more weeks behind then she can start the process of revoking his lisence due to non-payment. she also advised me not to waste my time filing a contempt charge; she said in nearby districts the judges are very strict about these things but in my district they tend to just shrug and give a slap on the wrist for shit like this that happens. so it's not worth my time or money to try to get a hearing because the judge in this area would probably just say "eh, it's not that bad. just try to get it taken care of, BD." super awesome, huh? bah.

Comments

Enelesn's picture
Submitted by Enelesn on

It sucks, but just wait it out 2 weeks. I suppose that's the best you could do. If he continues to shirk his responsibilty, which he just might at this rate, then he has to pay the price. Does the state you live in garnish wages for child support?
Keep your chin up, Mama.
Also, just curious, how long does it take to get the LNA?
*** I know it's kinda nasty, but I wouldn't let him know about them taking his license if he doesn't pay... let him screw himself over.***

Aurinel's picture
Submitted by Aurinel on

Holy crap, what an idiot. It is a shame how difficult things are for single mamas on your side of the Atlantic. Here in Germany it is a bit easier. Courts are more reliable, and the state (or better said the communities) have an interest that Daddies pay their child support. That's why DH has to tell the youth welfar office how much money he makes. And he has to pay the money to them and they hand it further to his ex-wife. But there are still those who don not pay a single cent to their child/ren.

...the lover, the dreamer, and me (Jim Henson)

raspberrytoast's picture

Kinda like what you posted on FB about how women who pursue CS are made out to be money grubbing harpies who wanna sit around all day and buy shoes or something. I rarely get CS and the last time I did I got $12!

But...the state garnishes his wages so he will either forever be a loser, work under the table, or pay me the several thou he owes my kid (and me.)

Honestly I don't ever expect CS, and I don't really have any hope that he will come through at some point either. I just took out the CS order because I wanted him to be aware of reality, and because if he ever does come into money, I want him accountable.

It sounds like you are just going to get into a position where you don't even have to worry about finances that much or even need CS. It seems like you are moving towards that, and at some point it won't be an issue, because you won't feel like you need the money, or have the time to worry about that money. Makes sense???

miss phoenix's picture

the courts will take the money directly out of the fathers' paychecks, but BD works as a waiter and makes mostly gratuities, so his paychecks are practically nothing. he "promised" the state that he would pay them in cash every week and then they could pay me, but i guess his word and sense of duty are a bit skewed, eh?

miss phoenix's picture

i won't be telling him what the consequences are. it's not my fucking problem, kwim? and i mentioned in my response to auri above that he is a waiter so has no wages to be garnished, unless someone stands at the door to his work and takes his tips from him every night when he leaves. not an entirely bad idea, actually; i'd be happy to do it. :p

earthgarden's picture

being broke with a small child and no help from the father is rough, hard times. everything dragon chic said is point-blank truth, vent! but keep it moving. I just wanted to add, there is light at the end of the tunnel because child support is like a student loan...they are going to get that money unless the guy is a total loser and refuses to work any legit type of job. Maybe this dude is like that, but many guys get tired of living this way, after a few years they settle down into a normal life and routine which includes a better job.

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shadeshaman's picture

they will garnish his wages. So, even if he gets most of his $ in tips, CS will take what they can out of his base pay.

For what it's worth, it has been over 4 YEARS since my ex paid any child support ($70,000 behind--give or take. I don't check any more). He works under the table, or mooches off people or uses a fake SSN. He doesn't call or visit my kids, but they did see him around Father's Day and they said he looks fat. And he has prostate cancer. Andd he runs and runs, while I have a thriving housecleaning business and live in a house in the hip-est part of Oakland.

It's a good idea to be businesslike with CS and make sure they do everything that they are paid to do, but, be prepared NOW that you will have the full financial burden of raising your kid. This sucks big, hairy, pimply ass, but--better to know now and to be prepared for this. The good news is that you are a strong person and you can handle this. You will find other support (financial and emotional), and the baby-daddy will go on to live his pathetic life.

"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius"--Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

KatieKaput's picture
Submitted by KatieKaput on

much sympathy here... i'm in the same boat today. negative eighty four dollars in the bank and that check that was "in the mail"? she lost her checkbook.

apparently losing yr checkbook can travel back in time.

good luck! *hugs* for you! <3, katie

miss phoenix's picture

venting feels good; releasing my frustrations and being able to move in is necessary, though. harping on this won't fix the situation, it'll only destroy my chance at being truly happy. accepting that BD won't ever live up to my standards of responsible co-parent isn't easy, but i have to do it eventually!

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