how can I help these kids?

pk's picture
Mon, 07/24/2006 - 00:39 -- pk

Here is a crazy situation and a crazier ideas in my head.
A woman I know in a neighboring town has two kids, girl and boy. They are both under 5. She says, often and in front of them, that she does not want to be their mother. She has a very hard time with them, yelling, complaining and saying awful things to them, about them and in front of them. Constantly. She threatens to abandon them

They are good kids.
She has offered them to me if I want them with a varying level of sincerity. I am tempted to do it.
How crazy is that? Very crazy. I have a little girl and a husband and a life of my own. Fairly low drama. This could only complicate things, that is, if she really means it. I am not sure if she would even really do it, but god... It kills me to watch her with those kids. Who knows what will happen with the boy, and the girl seems like the poster child for sexual abuse targets.
While she isn't burning them or chasing them with axes she would definitely be considered to be abusing them mentally and emotionally, and i believe physically too, though milder, by our state laws.
It makes me ill to think about their futures. My own family situation growing up was similar, so that is confusing too. I want to save them on one hand and on the other I want someone else to do it. I would love to be able to take them, but then I worry that it wouldn't work. The mom would change her mind or something. Then there is the work it would involve and the turmoil and such. And that seems small in comparison to their lives and well being. These kids are not safe. I doubt she would kill them outright, but they are not protected, they are not in seatbelts, they are not ok emotionally speaking.
I am not one to criticize other mothers. It is the hardest job on earth. On the other hand, if I showed up at work drunk, fucked my boss in the receeption area, shit on my desk and sprayed everyone with urine while hurling rocks at clients, I wouldn't have a job.

Comments

Katja's picture
Submitted by Katja on

I'm so sorry.

It sounds to me like she's issuing some pretty serious cries for help, and maybe she's trying to show everyone that she's unable to be a proper mother to these kids in order to get some help. Not that it's any excuse to abuse your kids, but is she burnt out from being alone and/or poor?

Where's the father in all of this? Is he involved? Could you talk to him? If he's not a total slimebag, he deserves the first shot to take his kids from harm's way. Failing him, the kids' bio family members should be notified and given a chance to step up, imo.

If not, I think that you need to give her a list of mental health resources. I don't know what your relationship with her is like, or if having an honest talk about this stuff would put her children at risk. Maybe you should call a crisis line and ask them what you should do. But it sounds like she needs some serious help, and is asking in the only f-ed up way she knows how.

Taking her kids with her permission but with no official blessing and with her getting no official help is asking for shitloads of trouble, imho, no matter how well-intentioned. Those kids will not be served by being drawn into more drama.

Maybe if you call CFS and don't give them any names, but describe the situation and see what they have to say..? I'm so sorry, mama. I wish I had some better advice. Take good care of yourself.

The world is the size of our passion for changing it.- Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos

The world is the size of our passion for changing it.- Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos

Ruby of the Moon's picture

It sounds like this mama is stressed to the max and can't control her own feelings so is taking it out on the kids. Maybe you could talk to her? Find out what is really up, if it is just a stressful time or if she is really not fit. She might benefit from some emotional support. She may not even know what she is saying or doing to them - all of us get to our breaking point sometimes and need to be brought back to reality.
I would just try to talk to her and see if you can get through. Tell her "It looks like the kids are really stressing you out, I know how that feels" and then ask her if she wants to talk about it. Tell her that every put down a child hears needs to be reinforced by four positives in order for them to develop healthy self-esteem.. reccomend a good parenting book. Sounds like she is crying out for help.

"If I could tell the world one thing, it would be we're all okay"-Jewell

pk's picture
Submitted by pk on

she has been forced into parenting classes, which she doesn't attend. She is seeing a counsellor. The father of the kids is unknown.
We have talked about it and she truely believes that its the kids fault. She tells them they are demons and other fun stuff.
I really can't talk about it much with her because I do not understand. I know what its like to be frustrated and feel crazy. But i don't slap my dd or push her down or call her "evil whore' or "fucking bastard asshole". I know she is hurting and can't deal with how she is treating them, but I am not mentally and emotionally able to support someone who is treating kids like this. We do all get to our breaking point, but she is kind of beyond that. We talked about saying positive things once and she made a joke about it. And how her kids are so bad that you can't come up with anything to say thats good unless they are sleeping.
I am not casually critiquing someone who is doing a poor job. She is pretty far gone.
I have tried to remove myself, but we do see her around anyway and I love her kids. When I ask what I can do to help she tells me to take them and never bring them back... Or that maybe they will all die in a car accident. Or that she should take them to a park in a city a few hours away and leave them to be kidnapped. Or that with enough heroin she would be a good mom (no, she is not a heroin user in reality).
She feels horribly guilty(she says) and cannot get through the day without spanking, screaming, namecalling and neglecting them. I don't think she is bad, just sick, but its not her kids fault and they shouldn't have to live like that. If I coudl wave my magic wand I would make her feel better so she can take care of them. She is always stressed out and mean and stuff. I am afraid to call the officials in since her kids have been threatened to be taken away before. Our state has a horrible record with the kids they take. there are too many and they usually end up in group homes.
I just feel so powerless. She says she doesnt' want them. She offers them to strangers. Her ds begs us to take him with us and she's like "fine you little shit, I dont' want you. they won't either".
I wrote my initial entry late last night because I couldn't stop thinking about them.

springy's picture
Submitted by springy on

while she is not chasing them with axes, as you said, she *is* abusing them. Do you have a legal obligation to report child abuse in your area? Who is 'forcing' her to attend the parenting classes? If she is not going, is she trying to sabotage her custody? Would they go into state care for certain- there are no family members who may be interested in custody but haven't stepped in yet?

Poor family.

IGGY's picture
Submitted by IGGY on

done.

i don't understand this part:
"if I showed up at work drunk, fucked my boss in the receeption area, shit on my desk and sprayed everyone with urine while hurling rocks at clients, I wouldn't have a job."

this mother. she doesn't happen to be a hipmama?

"All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." --Mark Twain

"You know, i could write a book. And this book would be thick enough, to stun an ox." -- Laurie Anderson

missamanda's picture
Submitted by missamanda on

i think shes using it as an example of doing a really poor job at your job(ie mothering)?
does that make sense?
word on cps. it (hopefully)can't be any worse then what those poor kids are living in right now.

"what if the hokey pokey IS what its all about?" - random bumper sticker

"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." - Nietzsche

IGGY's picture
Submitted by IGGY on

i've been here long enough and listened to enough people make allegations of abuse to wonder, why here? this person just got here, has a new ID and suddenly has such an explosive question? and one with such an easy answer? it's happened here before that one of the hipmamas pissed someone off and they came here to make accusations about the person under the guise "what should i do about this horrible horrible mother?"

the bottom line is, when you know abuse is taking place you call CPS. it may be tough to take the step but it's not something you have to ask what to about, it's pretty straightforward. furthermore, in a lot of states the person making the call can give their contact information to the case worker with an offer to either be a foster parent or just maintain contact. they like it when they can keep the kids together and in a familiar town, etc.

so, i'm watching this thread with interest. if it's legit, call CPS. easy.

"All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." --Mark Twain

"You know, i could write a book. And this book would be thick enough, to stun an ox." -- Laurie Anderson

Katja's picture
Submitted by Katja on

I agree with IG. You are not equipped to deal with such a deeply disturbed person. CPS may take the kids away, but someone needs to stand up for them. I think that, hard though it may be, children can overcome the legacy of abuse, but I'm not sure if they get over not having anyone try to protect them from it. I'm glad that you want to protect them.

Those poor children are being terribly abused, and I can't imagine a group home being much worse than being with a mother who hates you and tells you so. It breaks my heart that there aren't other options. Maybe you could suggest to CPS that you foster them for a while? But that could get really messy with the mom and is likely illegal.

Again, I am so so sorry, for all of you.

The world is the size of our passion for changing it.- Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos

The world is the size of our passion for changing it.- Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos

pk's picture
Submitted by pk on

yep, using a different name for this one. I am not accusing anyone I know to be on this site. I doubt the person in question has heard of this site, but just in case...
And as far as the CPS thing - they are aware of the situation. I am not sure one more call will change anything. They have told the mother, in the past, who has complained and what they said. And frankly my whole family shouldn't have to be a part of this - which will happen if the mother knows I complained, she is not going to sit at home crying about it, she is going to react.

IGGY's picture
Submitted by IGGY on

not to do the right thing.
"All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." --Mark Twain

"You know, i could write a book. And this book would be thick enough, to stun an ox." -- Laurie Anderson

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