forgiving

Madame Filth's picture

it's been on my mind recently as a good friend of mine struggles with her relationship either falling apart, or turning a corner. she keeps in touch with me - sporadically - just defeated by the hurt, the implications for the future if they can't stay together, the whole thing is kicking her ass. i found myself telling her that you don't have to forgive everything your partner does to stay together. that staying together is something independent of whether you can make peace with something that happened. and it occurs to me that this is new information even for me. i had thought that i had to either forgive everything Mr Filth had done, or break up. that integrity required it. but i've found that not to be true. matters of the heart have no logic and no rules, and just because i didn't break up with him at one point or another, didn't mean i accepted everything at that point, that's silly. i reserved the right to break up now or any time in the future, for any reason or no reason. what i do with my own life is my own business, it's not even his. and most breakups happen with no catalyst anyway.

you could go in infinite directions with that, i just laying the groundwork. because of my friend in need, this idea was on my mind. the way that i had an immature, simplistic view of how to deal with people, a view that sold all of us short really. and it carried over to my friends and how i respond to them, particularly when they're in need like that one is now. but also just in regular dealings. so as i'm talking to this friend, trying to be a good support and not fuck it up like i had with others, i kept ruminating on how we hold people we love accountable. how i had NO IDEA how to do it, how i held the silly belief that if i continued to care for them, i was somehow betraying myself or being hypocritical. dumb. for most of my life, i've turned my back on anyone i didn't forgive, out of some weird bullshit adherence to honesty or fairness or some shit. and my head kept going back to this other friend, who fucked my shit up, and who i do NOT forgive. the more i think about it, the less alright i am with her, her intentions, her willingness to be careless with my life... logic says that i walk away now, but i didn't and i kept wondering, is this what a mature conflict looks like? have i.... gasp... grown up??

i sat this person down not too long ago and just laid it all out, the potential for harm that she caused me, how it is likely to impact Lil' Filth in far-reaching ways, and that i'm "astonished" at the level of stupidity.

and i don't know where it will go from there. i've started to avoid her. i'll probably continue for a while. but at least she knows the real reason. hopefully she will try to mitigate the damage, i had hoped she'd be motivated to try.

but... i'm not grown up enough to predict whether i can ever hang with her, especially if this thing snowballs in the worst-case scenario.

but i know that even if we do remain friends, what she did is unforgivable. my view on that will never change.